[BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME HE'S EATING ANYTHING AT ANY EATERY. i will give you the same mcds prompt that i have given everyone else which is that Matsui is just sitting here with nothing but one of those little paper condiment cups which is filled with ketchup. He has an IKEA shark with him.]
please don't get into feet kinks i'm at my limit. also his history score probably isn't high enough to recognize this name with any real familiarity, so he just accepts it. ]
Also that's fair and valid, only real sword buffs allowed in this club.]
This one does. [Maybe some others out there would not... Kashuu would probably bitch about how it'd make him fat.] Though I can't say it's the best food I have tried.
he's not even going to question how that's possible anymore. everyone seemed crazy before they got here. he just reaches over and steals a little bit of ketchup for a fry. ]
Plenty of people have said they can't do what they used to. [ he wouldn't know what depowering is like, he feels exactly the same. ] Dying... again but of malnutrition would be a stupid way to go.
He's also thinking about this, because he had definitely noticed one thing in particular upon arrival, but he sure didn't mentally go "well that means I can starve to death now".]
...Then I will make the effort to eat more often. And to eat more than ketchup, even if that is the best thing currently available. Buzen would be upset if I starved to death.
[ after all the teams are pretty much announced... he's chilling and laying out beneath the (1) tree in the park. it's cozy. he cracks open one eye in greeting though.
Matsui will move over to take a seat nearby. Everyone is constantly under this one singular tree it's so fucking funny, just imagining like 10 pcs happening at the same time under this tree.]
[He is so valid. After a second, Matsui will join him, moving from Seated to Horizontal out of solidarity and also perhaps just general exhaustion over the state of existence he's currently forced to suffer through.]
It would be less jarring if there were no familiar aspects to it... I think so, anyway.
[Instead, the vibes are very liminal space-y, which he doesn't have the word for but can still feel in his bones.]
[ sometimes you just want to lay on the ground and allow the world to temporarily swallow you up. they can just stare up into the tree boughs together. ]
Yeah, it would be. [ it's... too much like leaving his little hometown and wandering into the big city, only nothing about it is right. ] ...And I'm fine.
[ he sounds a wee bit defensive about it, because he's a teenager. ]
It's a lot to take in. But we don't have time to deny what's happening. Not if we want to help our teams.
[That's him all the time, man, ALL THE TIME... Also that's fair, being a teenager is overwhelming, probably. He would not know, but they all seem insane.]
That is correct. [No time for denial...] Many seem to recognize this, but are still reluctant to hold the full weight of the thirty-six souls that will be lost.
[BACK AT THE TREE... Matsui pauses for a moment, but he'll sit down soon enough, close enough that he can reach out to gently and briefly rest a hand on this lad's shoulder thanks to the miracles of touch week. He ain't good at being reassuring or comforting.]
[ he's very tense to touch, but he doesn't try to shrink away. ]
I couldn't tell who you were. [ though he looks at him now, just peeking up a little. more sharply, ] But I'd like to know who the murderer is too, yeah.
[Kindred spirits... Unfortunate. Matsui is unfortunately always here to deliver the news no one wants to hear.]
Yes.
[It was easier to bear his sins when he didn't have the same human comprehension of them that he does NOW!! But the trauma of his past was carved into his blade even before he understood what it was like to be human, so really, he loses either way.]
I would return to it, if I could. But there's no point in pining over unattainable things.
[ he's staring at like, the ikea meal line, not really taking in anything there or picking stuff up. just vibing. disassociating, if you will. he blinks out of it when he spots matsui. ]
[These fucking swimmers out here with their pocari sweat and jogging. Tch.
He looks vaguely sympathetic though, in the way he looks vaguely everything.]
I've heard that it's hard for humans to maintain appetite in situations of high stress. Something soothing may be good, instead. Several appear to be turning to ice cream?
[ he looks excited about the gondola actually, insofar as his facial expressions can allow for excitement. mostly a genuine glimmer of the eye. he'll gently hop down into the gondola. ]
You mean your hydrokinesis? [ or his boat steering ]
But into the gondola he goes... Matsui can probably read that tiny little expression because his own are also usually quite tiny and fleeting. Sasuga, waterboy.]
Hydrokinesis. I haven't had this much water to work with before.
[Creating his own is fine and all but it's so limited comparatively... Once Haru is settled, Matsui will turn toward the back and lift his hands, setting the boat moving forward at a pretty gentle skip.]
This is so funny though help. Haru is really suffering out here. Matsui feels kind of bad for the guy?? He's truly ambivalent about these powers on a whole considering he has no elemental obsessions or affiliations. He's just a little sword dude out here.]
Mm... I wish that there was a way I could share it with you... Is there anything you would like to see, at least?
[Even if he can't give Haru his hydrohands he can at least entertain a lad.]
[STOP Haru is so fucking funny though help this water lad.]
I can make pillars, blades... Move the boat along. Create whirlpools. It appears that I can create a small amount of water without having to use any nearby, as well.
[HELP STOP ONLY SOME OF THEM WERE SCREAMING externally at least. It's fine.
Welcome to the cathedral, though! Matsui's favorite place! He can be found kneeling on one of those fancy little knee bars at one of the first pews, hands clasped together and eyes closed, seemingly in prayer. He's also been cleaned up by now thankfully so no more blood...]
[I'M DETERMINED TO HAVE A PC WITH HARU EVEN IF HE'S HIDING. I HOPE HE IS HIDING. Matsui isn't getting very far on his own at the moment but maybe he can literally or metaphorically run into him at some point WHERE IS HEEEEEEE starts a pc with this instead of asking you on discord]
[ he is indeed hiding but i feel it's deeply predictable that he's going to the pool. so matsui wins today. haru is sitting in the water like a sea slug, but when he eventually comes up for air, he looks at matsui... and then looks away.
hello sorry i have no dialogue in this tag it's useless ]
[STOP I LOVE HARU BUT THIS IS ALSO VERY FUNNY BECAUSE MATSUI CAN'T FUCKING SEE. HOW DID HE GET HERE. A mystery. Maybe he asked Buzen to chaperone him because he's pretty sure Haru is probably by the water.
Seeing as he cannot fucking see, he also can't see that Haru is in fact where he thought he'd be, but he can hear someone in the water. So.]
[ SORRY IN MY SPOON-INDUCED RAGE I HAVE FORGOTTEN EVERYONE'S CYOA STATUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH
anyway he's not SUCH a rudeass he'd ignore matsui, so despite just ignoring everyone at large he'll pause for a long beat, then splash a bit of water to confirm. ]
[WELWAEOAKOFKSEFOKESFS STOPPPP NO FORGET ABOUT THEM IT'S HARU'S TIME TO SUFFER NOW BEATS HIM WITH A TABLE LEG.
He'll edge his way closer to the side of the pool, carefully feeling his way before he kneels down and just. Extends a hand out toward the water, in the direction he heard Haru's voice come from.]
again he would probably just submerge himself again but this is just. sad. so he's drift over, accompanied by the sound of moving water. he reaches out only enough to brush fingers and let him know where he is. ]
[THE WAY HE'S BEING SO SAD THAT IT'S OVERPOWERING HARU'S DESIRE TO BE ONE WITH THE WATER. Absolutely hilarious.
Matsui will let this lil finger touch happen and reach out to hold his little wet paw a second later. His grip is very delicate, so it's easy for Haru to pull away if he wants.]
I am fine. [He's not the one whose boyfriend just died...] ...But I didn't think that you would be, so I wished to see you, even though I'm not good with human hearts.
[ that's what he gets for being such a pathetic sickly injured victorian lad.
haru doesn't hold his hand back, but he does stick around. matsui can have his cold fingies. ]
I told you that I'm not either.
[ he doesn't even know what to say to everyone's well wishes. his focus goes to not completely lashing out at everyone who talks to him. it's easier with matsui because again he's in such terrible shape. ]
I don't think you should try to feel as much as we do.
He will keep his handsie for the time being then. His now.]
I do, even if I don't wish to. [He is just stuck here.] ...Would it help, to have someone here? You don't have to speak to me, if you don't wish to. I understand that words are difficult when the heart is damaged.
[ cathedral... still kind of creepy here, but he expects to see bdsm team around these parts, and maybe it's strange for them to talk, but it also feels like the right thing to do.
[Matsui, who's up at the front of the cathedral near the altar, looks up and in the direction of Haru's voice from where he's kneeling. He's... quiet, for several long moments.]
[Matsui still can't see him so he will never know what Haru was lookin like in trial...
But they sure did, huh. Matsui folds his hands together, and the grip is tight. After a moment in which he gathers his thoughts:]
Because Rin was young and knew only times of peace. He was afraid just to be here, but still wished to be strong for others, even though no one should have to learn such strength in such a way. ...If winning comes at the cost of a life like that, I will have no part in it.
[Matsui really said I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP.]
[ i hate you!!!!! HE ALSO SOUNDS CALMER!!!! it's fine. the vibes are there is the point.
he drifts a little closer, grateful maybe in this instance that matsui can't see his expression. ]
...You're right. He was all of that. [ rin was just a young person doing his best in a place that was insanely beyond him. ] But I didn't expect that anyone would... honor that. Over their team.
CALM VIBES... Welcome to the pew though friend... Matsui will follow the sound of his approach as best as he's able, and the sound of his voice after that.
That said he's about to become gloomy and vaguely ominous very quickly because he's just Like This.]
You carry the actions and choices that you make on your back until the day you die, and even thereafter. If you make a choice that you cannot carry, what will you do even if you return to life? [A beat.] For me, this would be something that I couldn't carry.
[Because he has
✨ kid murder trauma ✨
but i refuse to let matsui be the most upset person in the room when THE OTHER PERSON IS FUCKING HARU FREE.]
...I wish that I could offer you something more than this, though. Repenting doesn't bring back the dead, or the erased.
[ hello he wants the sad sword lore?? he really looks so torn listening to all this, because it's weightier than he's used to. you don't get discussions about the weight of your sins in swim club.
but no, he sits beside matsui, very rudely pulling his legs up so his feet rest on the pews. he just wants to be curled up and small. ]
You don't have to offer me anything. You didn't kill him.
[ it's still hard to even say those words aloud, but it's the truth. ]
Your kindness won't revive him. But it still means something. To me, if not him.
[no sswlore (sad sword lore), only existential discussions about the crushing weight of human sin.
He wouldn't mind Haru's disrespect of the church even if he could see it though, you put those feet on the pew. Valid to want to be small. He was probably doing that himself at several points throughout the day.
He's quiet for a little at that, though, because he isn't entirely sure how to respond to it. It would be easier, he thinks, if people treated him with the same level of upset that they would likely treat the one directly responsible for it.]
...I am sorry, even so, that it's the only thing I can give. This place is a cruelty that none of you should have to experience.
[ it's not so bad to just be small in a quiet place. he prefers the pool, but as stifling as this place is, he can kind of see why someone might drop in for sanctuary. ]
That's true. [ he thinks this place is really cruel. a buried piece of him feels sorry for the rest of their team, too. since they'll lose someone the next day. ] Buzen-san told me that someone forced Rin's killer to act.
[ and he isn't resentful of that, at least not visibly. he thinks it's a difficult position to be in. he can't forgive anyone, but he can't judge them, either. ]
[Matsui isn't forgiving either, because even though D's hand had supposedly been forced--]
He was made to erase or be erased. He was not made to target Rin.
[And Matsui definitely thinks that that's something to take responsibility for, beyond the responsibility for choosing to take someone else's life in exchange for survival at all.]
...But it's unsurprising. This game is only meant to last seven weeks. If no one is moving of their own volition, then something else will have to create the movement.
[He glances over, without seeing, and wishes that he could for a moment. If only so he could maybe try to gauge what response to give, as if even a human would be equipped to handle this kind of situation flawlessly.
He struggles with what to say for a moment. The last time anyone mentioned to him in such a straightforward way that they were afraid, it was Rin.]
...I wish that I could tell you something that would make it easier, or less frightening.
[But he can't think of a way to do that that wouldn't be false reassurances at best. He wishes that it could be different, too, but what does wishing really do?]
If there is any way in which you think I may be able to help you, moving forward, then please-- let me know. I don't believe I can do much, here. But I will do what's possible.
[ matsui's honesty is frightening in and of itself, but he still appreciates it. haru'd lied and told rin that things would be okay and that he'd be safe.
in the end, this is better. ]
I don't want to be a burden. I'll try not to ask too much. But... thanks. ...Thank you.
[ he can't deny that he's in over his head and the offer alone is nice. ]
You won't be a burden to me. I am a sword, after all.
[This is what he was made for - to help and protect humans, even if it means by cutting flesh and spilling blood. He has a human body, now, so he himself can choose who to protect and who to turn his blade against.
Part of it is certainly a feeling of debt toward Haru, but most is just the fact that he can't stand to see the lives of young civilians put at risk.
The thanks just earns him a gentle nod in return, though. It's the very least he can do, when he can do so very little.]
He doesn't feel like this is necessarily enough, or okay, but like. What is he gonna do, force Haru to ask for more?? He can at least just make it clear that he would be willing to do more, if ever asked.]
...If that is what you wish.
[Haru may regret these words on Saturday but it's fine.]
[Matsui allows the silence to stretch however Haru may like it, never having been an overly-talkative person, himself.
When the question comes, he answers without pause.]
Stay as long as you would like.
[Because he can offer very little, but he can at least sit with Haru in the same way he'd offered to before, when he'd held his hand in the water and asked if he would rather be alone. The cathedral is kind to him, as vast and indifferent as it may sometimes seem.
He hopes that Haru can find some solace in it, too.]
[Matsui's not in the cathedral today! IT'S A CATHOLIC MIRACLE...
He is seated in the park instead, not overly close to the lake, and appears to be looking through wildflowers for ones of a very specific shade. WHERE IS HARU ON THIS FINE DAY surely not in the lake.]
because matsui is a sword, and because haru is not good at verbalizing anything anyway, he'll just step into emotion-share range so it can explain itself. his feelings aren't buried, happy, or weak: if grief could be a vast, still sea, that's what his is.
but they also aren't a tumult right now. he's steady. ]
SIR YOUR FUCKING VAST OCEAN OF GRIEF, THOUGH. HELP. Matsui is in some parts grateful for this week's effect, because it helps him to understand things that he otherwise wouldn't. He's unhappy in other parts. The feeling of that stillness isn't unfamiliar to him, but there's still a thread of thrumming empathy that weaves through him when he feels it.
Humans shouldn't have to experience loss like this, even if it's steady, even if it's stable. People drown in tranquil seas just as often as they drown in turbulent ones.]
...It feels-- wide and quiet, inside of you. Like an abandoned shrine.
[#spirit metaphors. But if Haru says it's fine, who is he to argue? He doesn't know a damn thing about human hearts. After a beat, he nods in response to the last statement.]
Yes. Buzen healed the rest of my damage today.
[HE REALLY MAKES BUZEN DO EVERYTHING.
Anyway, beyond that thread of empathy, Matsui's general base state once Haru steps into range is that of an ailing Victorian who i have been describing with increasingly ridiculous seaside metaphors which truly makes him a match for Haru. It's not grief, though. Just a pervading sense of morose melancholy with vague underpinnings of guilt.]
[ i've written so many flowery water metaphors for wahhhh big sad ): hate that this is a shared trait for them. they can chill together with their watery grave vibes. it's placid between them. ]
A shrine... [ hm ] Could be worse.
[ he'll take quiet. he's rather be a forgotten shrine than a burning one. he reaches to pick a flower—it's more like a weed, tall and reedy, but bright yellow. ]
I don't mind healing you when you need it. [ a gentle current of concern threads through his words, still tranquil ] But I guess you were waiting on Buzen-san.
[HELPPPP NOT LIKE THIS they're down there... down in the twilight zone somewhere, living as squids.
Matsui watches as he picks the weed, and there's a little blip of something that feels like agreement when he says "could be worse", even if the concern is still present. It really could be...]
Abandoned shrines can become harbors, but they can also become curses.
[The offer, on the other hand, causes the guilt to increase a little, along with another, complex feeling.]
...Thank you for the offer. [A flickering thread of gratitude.] I dislike repairs, so... I wished for it to be Buzen, if it had to be anyone at all.
Matsui gives him a little look at that emotional rise, but doesn't say anything aloud. There is some faint whisper of concern, though. None Of These Kids Are Alright.
As for the question, Matsui replies very Catholicly.]
It serves as a reminder. Most of my damages occur because of mistakes I make that cost others in blood, so the least I can do is retain it for as long as possible, rather than wiping it away as though it never existed.
Matsui's emotions just remain in the same perpetual melancholic state, but there's something a little hesitant because he simply does not know how to explain Catholic guilt to this teenage normie.]
...Because all of the physical and emotional weight that I can carry is still not enough to compare to the loss of one life. The scales can't be balanced, but I would still like to do what I can.
feeling guilty about killing someone seems normal to him; having any amount of empathy would make it unbearable, he thinks. just living life, every happiness tinged with memories of robbing someone else of theirs.
but matsui is a spirit—he'd assume it would be different for him. haru reaches for some small, pink wildflowers. ]
You're right. There's no amount of remorse that brings the dead back. [ even here. ] ...But neither does pain.
[ justice, revenge, the metaphorical evening of the scales—none of that matters to the dead, do they? ]
[It's a kind sentiment, and one that moves him somewhat, in a sad sort of way. Matsui thinks he suffers as much as he deserves to.
Wordlessly, he plucks up a little blue flower and reaches forward to tuck it behind Haru's ear. There's a little soft thread of gratitude.]
You have a kind heart.
[At least, the heart that he's seen so far is kind. All the more unfair that he's had to suffer through such a loss. Rin, he thinks, also had a kind heart.
Life is largely unkind, though. It seems like death is much the same.]
w2 sat cw for suicidal ideation, self-harm closes my eyes
Welcome to the CATHEDRAL!!!! Matsui is lying on one of the pews overlooking the front. Hopefully Haru is prepared to approach him because the vibes that were happening in trial are literally nothing compared to the ones happening now even though that was like being piledriven through the earth's crust. The vibes happening now are much more similar to the ones Rang had to deal with all by his lonesome on Friday: a colossal, crushing, agonizing grief. The kind of pinprick puncture that sucks all the air from the room. The kind of density of a collapsing neutron star, or the very, very bottom of the sea.
There is also an extremely strong desire to end things. Like truly there is just no nice poetic way to say that Matsui is feeling exceedingly, insanely suicidal right now i am SORRY NU.]
[ listen i signed up for this and it's not even memshare but we are already in the trenches now lads
haru does have like, considerable empathy, so it's hard not to absorb it, this absolute pressure of an entire ocean's worth of grief and misery bearing down on him. it's overwhelming enough that he nearly empties out in response, emotions flattened to something very quiet and still. and that works out. it helps him exist in this space with together.
he'll come sit next to matsui, though it's a wonder if he'll even be responsive. he doesn't try to touch him yet or anything. ] Matsui-san.
[HARU HELP. He really either pulverizes everyone who enters his sphere or they just do this and become a wholeass void about it. Fair, honestly.
Anyway, Matsui doesn't respond at first, though it seems like he's relatively aware of his surroundings. The emotions don't abate, but he feels like he owes Haru more than most here, and that includes giving Haru what he can, when he can, even if it's a small thing like this attention.
[ sometimes you are the least emotive person in your friend group and just disassociate to make room for all their teen feelings. it's like that, but 100x worse here, because instead of an angsty high schooler it's a should-be immortal sword spirit who has many moons of trauma.
but he's trying very hard to cope with those things now that he's here. so he looks peaceably back at matsui. ]
...I'm sorry. I intruded on your feelings, earlier. [ when he felt his huge gay grief and yearning for buzen. ] But I'm... glad I got to feel it. The magnitude of who he was.
[ even if it was through matsui, it felt... important. to understand how much this man meant to someone. how much his love bolstered them. ]
[HELP. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH MATSUI'S ENORMOUS OCEANS OF HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF GRIEF!!!! GET THIS IDIOT OUT OF HERE.]
It is no fault of yours. This place is unkind.
[He's not upset for the leaking of his own emotions or sharing them, so much as for what they wrought onto other people.
But at that, below the murk, there's something warm. His love for Buzen weighs in equal parts to his misery, after all. Quietly, spoken with almost a sort of reverence:]
...There will never be another blade like Buzen Gou.
[ no! he's staying and he doesn't think matsui needs to feel bad about inflicting his emotions. it's haru's choice to stick around. ]
He leaves an impression.
[ not just for his easy friendliness. haru's feelings convey a sense of... beneath the more obvious sadness, there's respect. a deep, sincere gratitude. ]
[BEATS HARU UP except not really... HE'S A BRAVE LIL WEIRDO....... THEIR WIDOW ALLIANCE!!!!!
Feeling that gratitude moves something in him, too - something deep under the misery. Something a little fond, maybe. He really does have a lot of fondness for Haru, Ylfa and Gerard.]
[ he is a coward for being a sports protag but sometimes you bond with a fellow deep sea squid
he just sort of curls up too now, sorry to this pew. his feelings of gratitude extend to matsui, too—for letting him loiter around in a vulnerable moment, and for everything else. ]
[THEY REALLY ARE JUST DEEP SEA SQUID BONDING (BASS BOOSTED).
But truly they're both just having a sad pew party. It's fine. That's what cathedrals are for. He's quiet for a few moments.]
...There is too much that I want him to be remembered for for me to possibly say. The way that he can melt away worries when nothing else can. How open and vast his heart is. How much love is in it. The way that he's always attuned to what the people around him need, and how willing he is to give that to them.
[To him, Buzen was more than just the sun at the center of his galaxy. He was the tether keeping him attached to life - the absolution and salvation that he's been searching for for centuries.]
Remember as much as you can about him. Everything that you can. ...He is-- a phantom in many ways, even among us Gous. His past and future were always uncertain, so... remembering him is the most precious gift he could be given.
[ no. there is no deep sea squid bonding anymore. matsui has been ejected from the club. i will never accept any of you into my heart again.
he thinks back to matsui's longing again, and thinks he's put it into words in a lovely way. the feelings had been burned into him already, but he'll remember what he's saying now, too.
quietly, ]
...I felt safer when he was here. Like maybe he really could help me.
[ because buzen and matsui offered to do everything they could, when it felt like haru's world had caved in on itself. even if he was resolved to never need them, it'd still been nice. a sort of hope, at a time where he had very little. it's temporary, but he has a moment of fondness that neighbors upon happiness. ]
The first statement strikes a strong chord in him, though. He can understand all too well what Haru means, and there's another thrum of longing from him. To feel Buzen's arms around him, to know that he's safe.]
...He has that effect on people.
[His emotions are watery, and he feels sorrow for the loss. He had been wrapped up in his own suffering for days, but Buzen is the kind of person who would leave a bleeding wound on any heart.]
His absence is a weight that I know you must feel... And it's selfish of me, but I'm glad for it. I'm glad that he will have this. Remembrance is a painful and heavy thing, but it is what we owe to those who leave us.
[Buzen, Rin. Everyone whose spilled blood paves the way to victory.]
there is a somber gravity to his feelings, but he nods. it's better to remember. as someone who's tried to forget in the past, and came to regret it—he resolves now to keep these memories close. if they win, it's all that will survive of these people.
it makes each moment that much heavier. ]
It's not selfish. You want others to remember the person you cared about was real. And how invaluable they were. It's... [ love? ] your wish.
[ he literally just went through this with rin. it's not wrong to have a wish. and even if it is selfish, he doesn't care. this does start to square up another emotion in him though, one more tentative: trepidation. the acute feeling of being the one left behind. ]
"It's not selfish", Haru says, and Matsui doesn't even wish that he could believe him because he's a fuckin self-flagellative maniac. But at the very least, he can appreciate the intention behind the words being said. It is his wish. It is his love, however cruel it may be.
The question has his emotions shifting again, leaning back to the state of sheer misery he'd been in before Haru had arrived. It's an agonizing decision that they've placed in his hands, though he doesn't hold even the slightest scrap of ill will toward a single one of them.]
...I... [The words turn over in his head, in his heart. He folds his hands together tightly.] ...I wish to follow him.
[More than anything, he wants to follow Buzen. He was literally born into this world in the throes of pain, asking why he had been made, and so very little that he's experienced in his short time as a human has shown him that anything in life is worth sticking around for.
His heart hurts so badly, but...]
If our world is at risk, then I can't. [And that kills him just the same. It's an exquisite, excruciating agony that sears him to the bone. Quieter:] If we lost it all because of my selfishness, I would never be able to face him again.
[ the answer isn't a surprise, but it still lands like a punch. he curls up a little tighter where he's sitting. after a moment, ]
...Just wanting something isn't selfish. What you want makes up who you are. It's not wrong. I don't care if you're a spirit or a human, that's true of anything with feelings. Some of you are really stupid about this.
[ what's selfish is that he hears this, and he wants matsui to stay. he can feel the misery, the entire breadth of his longing, this massive, agonizing grief in wanting to reunite, one that he can empathize with, and even so—it scares him to think that matsui was so near to leaving.
and then rang would've died. and then he'd still just be here, with these memories he promised to keep that he'd likely grow to resent.
...even so, it's obviously miserable for matsui to hang on like this, and that makes him sympathize, too, guilty for putting him in this predicament. once again, feelings are just a conflicting terrible nightmare. he looks at matsui, his brows drawing in faintly. ]
If you're alive, you can bring him back. [ even if he has child murder trauma, there are not-children here. ] But, I—...hope you can see him. One way or another.
[ he's not so unkind that he'd say the rest: but please, don't die. ]
[He leaves the words unsaid, but Matsui can hear them, anyway. The sentiment behind them - the knot of guilty and messy emotions.
His body feels like a creaking cavern. It feels like it takes ten people's worth of effort to push himself upright, but he does - slow, sure, steady. He rises from his pathetic curl on the pew, and shifts where he's sitting so that he can face Haru in his own little pathetic curl more properly.
In the same way that he had done on that day that Haru was floating in the pool, he holds a hand out toward him. A quiet invitation.]
...Thank you. I wish the same for you.
[Haru's loss was also vast, but he's endured longer than Matsui would have been able to if he hadn't been forcibly stapled to life. There's something admirable in that. There's something tragic in that.
He doesn't go into the fact that they had never intended on winning, he and Buzen. Not against so many young lives.]
The words you say... I don't know if I can agree with them. [About just wanting something not being selfish, when he feels so selfish any time he wants for anything at all.] But you speak from a gentle place. I am honored to have been able to see it.
[To have been able to get to know Haru at all, with all his complex, conflicting emotions, his oceans in all their grief and storm. He has no intention of leaving now that he's made the horrific decision to bear this weight as well, but he's still feeling morose and mournful, so he speaks like they're going to part anyway.]
...I thought about going to the chapel. [ but if there's no point, then he'll just chill by the canals. not wanting to be sincere for TOO long, ] Why are you still wearing that.
[ well. if he likes it, that's fine. haruka can't relate, tired of how many times he's been mistaken for a girl thanks to his name, but self expression is valid. ]
That's fine. It looks nice on you. I think. [ he has never had to consider whether maid outfits are a sexy thing ]
[His letters were few in number but peak in insanity except all the letters were insane so it's fair that his just blended in...
For now though, he'll just hold a hand out Haru's way. After a little beat of silence:]
...I am sorry for how things happened, that day. [HIS CATHOLIC GUILT FOR GETTING MISERY SHARK VORED.] I would like to hold your hand once more, when everything is said and done.
[ after a moment, he carefully touches matsui's fingertips with his own. it's not a real touch, but it's something. ]
...We didn't help. By showing you that note.
[ pretty sure they contributed to him getting misery vored by a bad vibes shark. his expression flickers, a little dark, but in the end he just sighs. ]
...I hope we've done enough to help you all come back.
[They can just hover ghostly fingertips to non-ghostly fingertips. Matsui isn't unused to being incorporeal, at least, so the gesture itself means more to him than the actual touch.]
It was important information to share. Moreover, if I had stayed alive, I would have left you with an unpleasant burden, so... Things worked out in the way that they were meant to, perhaps.
[God is merciful sometimes maybe. Matsui at least thinks that Froggystyle did the right thing. That said, there's a little flicker of warmth in his expression.]
You've all worked very hard... Thank you. Even I can feel somewhat optimistic at this point.
[The next time Haru focuses on his pin after that hour is up, Matsui is there! He's like, floating a couple of feet off the ground, seemingly, and appears to be focused on something.
But then he blinks and looks down and there's Haru!]
[ he still holds his hand fakely for a second before gently drawing it back. ]
It's fine. [ it would've been more traumatic if the previous weeks weren't such a hellscape already. he can simply escape by disassociating anyway. ] I'm ready for this to be over.
Harder. [His answer comes without pause. Though there's a little bit of something melancholic in his expression, too, he isn't about to let one person stand in the way.]
...I will be frank. I don't think that anyone will succeed in convincing her. I believe it is likely she will need to die.
...I know. [ his sadness comes into sharper relief then, having to acknowledge it aloud. ] She lied a lot. But... when we talked, about how most of us were alive when we were brought here—she seemed genuinely upset for us. Angry.
I don't think she can stand by and watch this anymore. She's strong and she'll do whatever it takes. [ and it's sad because he understands that. he gets that a reaper is someone who's won the reapers' game—someone who's already decided to take matters into their own hands. ] And that's why, even if we're friends, I think it's fair. That we also do what it takes to protect ourselves.
But yeah. Yeah! Matsui just dips his head a little, closing his eyes, quiet for a moment.]
It makes her very human, to break in this way.
[Because she's strong and she'll do whatever it takes, but she is very much a broken being, as far as he can tell. It reminds him of the man who wielded him so very long ago - that man, who had wanted to wage a war so horrific, so utterly destructive, that no other would follow it.
People often become twisted in their hurt and despair, in their fury and their exhaustion with corrupt systems.]
...Unfortunately, though it is understandable what she's fighting for, she is one person threatening forty, and thirty-someodd worlds. That is a threat that can't be allowed to persist.
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w0 saturday the first
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The red foods... are lacking.
[Thanks, sir.]
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it's a little weird, though. deadpan, ]
Are you a vampire?
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No, I am not. [The exhaustion seeps out... even as his expression remains relatively unchanged, it is still Present.
Also, since he's learned by now that keeping things totally secret ain't an option, he'll helpfully add:] I'm a tsukumogami.
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he pauses in his french fry eating. he knows what that is, but assumes matsui is just weird. ]
...So you're a pair of sandals or something?
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That's fair, though. Unfortunately he isn't a pair of sandals or his life would probably be much easier, though his kinks would be even weirder.]
The blade Matsui Gou, forged by Gou no Yoshihiro.
[Since the cat's out of the bag anyway, he might as well get specific.]
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please don't get into feet kinks i'm at my limit. also his history score probably isn't high enough to recognize this name with any real familiarity, so he just accepts it. ]
Do katana eat ketchup?
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Also that's fair and valid, only real sword buffs allowed in this club.]
This one does. [Maybe some others out there would not... Kashuu would probably bitch about how it'd make him fat.] Though I can't say it's the best food I have tried.
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anyway he thinks a ketchup smoothie is a sad way to live. maybe that's why he'll attempt to be .2 helpful here. ]
...What if you covered something in red sauce?
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Wow though thanks Haru. Thank you for saving him from drinking ketchup, which SOME PEOPLE just let him do without saying anything.]
Oh? The way that people do with pasta sometimes, you mean?
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Mm. At the other place [ ikea ] there's meatballs with a red sauce. [ lingonberries ]
...You can't just live off ketchup.
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Oh. I didn't see... [He was so distracted by the grey sauce and how brown-grey so much of the food there was. Tragic.]
--Even if we were not dead, I wouldn't be able to starve to death.
[So it's fine!]
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he's not even going to question how that's possible anymore. everyone seemed crazy before they got here. he just reaches over and steals a little bit of ketchup for a fry. ]
...Are you sure that's how it works here?
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Also that's fair. And please take his ketchup he doesn't need all this ketchup.]
I don't see why it would work differently. Either I am dead and should thus need no sustenance, or I'm still myself.
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Plenty of people have said they can't do what they used to. [ he wouldn't know what depowering is like, he feels exactly the same. ] Dying... again but of malnutrition would be a stupid way to go.
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He's also thinking about this, because he had definitely noticed one thing in particular upon arrival, but he sure didn't mentally go "well that means I can starve to death now".]
...Then I will make the effort to eat more often. And to eat more than ketchup, even if that is the best thing currently available. Buzen would be upset if I starved to death.
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Buzen... the other Gou.
[ it's kind of an open question. ]
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His expression is immediately so fond, though. That's his Buzen!!!!]
Yes. He's a very precious comrade to me. [THAT'S HIS BUZEN!!!!] You have met him?
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anyway, gay ]
Only briefly. [ seemed like a nice enough guy ] Were you teammates before this place?
[ before they mcdied? ]
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We were, yes. Even before the saniwa summoned us both to the Citadel, he has been by my side.
[Their dramatic war story...]
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I don't know what you mean. But you must've known him a long time. [ just taking an emotional read on it. ] You'll team up, then?
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That is true. [His emotional read is correct... He also nods at that!] We will, yes. Do you have any idea who you wish to team up with yet?
w0 monday
hi. ]
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Matsui will move over to take a seat nearby. Everyone is constantly under this one singular tree it's so fucking funny, just imagining like 10 pcs happening at the same time under this tree.]
Are you comfortable here?
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It's better than concrete.
[ sleeping bags can't totally save a warehouse floor ]
Stingy to only have one tree though.
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Mm. That's true. [Grass is better than pavement, he did say that like 20 times the first day when he simply refused to get off the ground.]
One tree is a little strange, though... In general, and also speaking aesthetically.
[This park looks so fucking weird.]
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it's haru's turn to just stay on the ground, clearly enjoying his lazy horizontal hours, though he does tilt his head to look at matsui. ]
This place is just strange. It's like Tokyo, but not.
[ not that he thinks shinjuku is OVERFLOWING WITH TREES but it's just uncanny valley here ]
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It would be less jarring if there were no familiar aspects to it... I think so, anyway.
[Instead, the vibes are very liminal space-y, which he doesn't have the word for but can still feel in his bones.]
--How are you adjusting?
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Yeah, it would be. [ it's... too much like leaving his little hometown and wandering into the big city, only nothing about it is right. ] ...And I'm fine.
[ he sounds a wee bit defensive about it, because he's a teenager. ]
It's a lot to take in. But we don't have time to deny what's happening. Not if we want to help our teams.
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That is correct. [No time for denial...] Many seem to recognize this, but are still reluctant to hold the full weight of the thirty-six souls that will be lost.
w0 ; fri
in a muffled voice, ]
Who is it?
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Who is what? The person responsible?
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I couldn't tell who you were. [ though he looks at him now, just peeking up a little. more sharply, ] But I'd like to know who the murderer is too, yeah.
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Ah. [BE MORE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS SIR.] It's Matsui. [Thanks, Matsui.] That is, I am Matsui, not that Matsui is the murderer.
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...That sounds like something a murderer would say.
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Does it? Hm... Unfortunate. I'll have to work on that.
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Are you not used to talking to people? [ just curious since he's a spirit creature sword thing ]
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No... This is the first time I've spoken to humans directly in full conversation, to be honest.
[HIS CRASH COURSE IS GOING SO.... It's going so.]
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I can't help you learn. I don't like talking.
[ alien to alien communication ]
I wouldn't know how to comfort everyone right now.
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Truly alien to alien communication, though. He just nods at that, because same mood!]
That's fine. I don't think many people, even those who have been human from the start, know how to navigate situations like this.
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Is it easier to not be human?
[ he just wants to be one with the earth (in lieu of the ocean being available) right now instead. ]
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...Yes. I found it to be, at least. Human hearts are burdensome.
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—but it's not as easy to disassociate on the ground. he strongly regrets not going to the pool. ]
Mm. I don't think it'd be so bad to be made of steel.
[ or anything. just to be a breeze, or a painting, or a brief, breaking wave. ] Do you miss it?
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Yes.
[It was easier to bear his sins when he didn't have the same human comprehension of them that he does NOW!! But the trauma of his past was carved into his blade even before he understood what it was like to be human, so really, he loses either way.]
I would return to it, if I could. But there's no point in pining over unattainable things.
w0 ; sun
...Are you finally going to eat something?
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Anyway he's here for a reason and that reason is probably to get either strawberry ice cream or something with lingonberry sauce.]
I eat often enough. [DON'T JUDGE HIM.] Are you?
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...I don't have an appetite.
[ but he knows that he should, it's the athlete habits. ]
It's hard not to be nauseous.
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He looks vaguely sympathetic though, in the way he looks vaguely everything.]
I've heard that it's hard for humans to maintain appetite in situations of high stress. Something soothing may be good, instead. Several appear to be turning to ice cream?
[IS THAT SOOTHING??]
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...Some people like sugar to cope. I guess.
[ he doesn't mind it...? but he's not 12? ]
Can you eat ice cream?
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I can eat any food that a human can...?
[Him like WHAT DOES THIS QUESTION MEAN. He just prefers to eat...... red.]
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I feel like it's a normal question for someone like you.
[ haru: i am the normal one here ]
Fine. Let's get ice cream.
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Ah. Alright... [He's just assuming Haru wants to have a snack buddy, because he's clearly not in need of any food.]
--The strawberry one is good.
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but oh, he looks surprised at the suggestion. ]
That's... surprisingly childish. [ baby ]
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The color is light red and pleasant to look at.
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It's pink. One of my teammates likes it for reasons like that, too. [ like, swim team, not froggystyle ]
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Oh? Which one?
[He's just assuming froggystyle...]
w1 mon
Matsui's in one of the steerable gondolas, still close enough to the side of the canal for anyone else to board!]
Would you like to join me? I would like to test my abilities a little more.
[He's going to drown Haru in the canal.]
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...Okay.
[ he looks excited about the gondola actually, insofar as his facial expressions can allow for excitement. mostly a genuine glimmer of the eye. he'll gently hop down into the gondola. ]
You mean your hydrokinesis? [ or his boat steering ]
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But into the gondola he goes... Matsui can probably read that tiny little expression because his own are also usually quite tiny and fleeting. Sasuga, waterboy.]
Hydrokinesis. I haven't had this much water to work with before.
[Creating his own is fine and all but it's so limited comparatively... Once Haru is settled, Matsui will turn toward the back and lift his hands, setting the boat moving forward at a pretty gentle skip.]
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Must be nice.
[ he's enjoying this though... tch ]
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It's been unusual, but not terrible.
[He'd prefer this over most of the other psychs, at least... ANYWAY he can tell Haru is jealous but he doesn't know Haru is a water alien so.]
--Do you wish to have it?
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...I don't mind what I have. [ no he does really mind, this sounds so forced ] It's a good fit for my team.
[ it's important.......... to have a healer.... ]
But yeah. If that weren't the case, I'd want it.
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This is so funny though help. Haru is really suffering out here. Matsui feels kind of bad for the guy?? He's truly ambivalent about these powers on a whole considering he has no elemental obsessions or affiliations. He's just a little sword dude out here.]
Mm... I wish that there was a way I could share it with you... Is there anything you would like to see, at least?
[Even if he can't give Haru his hydrohands he can at least entertain a lad.]
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but, oh... the jealousy fizzles quickly in the face of excitement. ]
...What can you do with it?
[ he'll take any demo, honestly. he's staring at him for show and tell now. ]
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I can make pillars, blades... Move the boat along. Create whirlpools. It appears that I can create a small amount of water without having to use any nearby, as well.
w1 ; thurs
he hasn't actually been here yet; this place is pretty unsettling. hewwo? ]
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Welcome to the cathedral, though! Matsui's favorite place! He can be found kneeling on one of those fancy little knee bars at one of the first pews, hands clasped together and eyes closed, seemingly in prayer. He's also been cleaned up by now thankfully so no more blood...]
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he'll walk up to the pews and sit. it seems rude to interrupt someone praying? he'll wait. ]
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Anyway, Matsui will finish his prayer soon enough and turn his UNSEEING GAZE in the general direction of Haru.]
--Hello?
[He knows it's not Buzen because Buzen would fuckin run down the aisle.]
w1 fri
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hello sorry i have no dialogue in this tag it's useless ]
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Seeing as he cannot fucking see, he also can't see that Haru is in fact where he thought he'd be, but he can hear someone in the water. So.]
--Haru? Is that you?
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anyway he's not SUCH a rudeass he'd ignore matsui, so despite just ignoring everyone at large he'll pause for a long beat, then splash a bit of water to confirm. ]
...It's me. [ hi ]
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He'll edge his way closer to the side of the pool, carefully feeling his way before he kneels down and just. Extends a hand out toward the water, in the direction he heard Haru's voice come from.]
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again he would probably just submerge himself again but this is just. sad. so he's drift over, accompanied by the sound of moving water. he reaches out only enough to brush fingers and let him know where he is. ]
You should be resting.
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Matsui will let this lil finger touch happen and reach out to hold his little wet paw a second later. His grip is very delicate, so it's easy for Haru to pull away if he wants.]
I am fine. [He's not the one whose boyfriend just died...] ...But I didn't think that you would be, so I wished to see you, even though I'm not good with human hearts.
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haru doesn't hold his hand back, but he does stick around. matsui can have his cold fingies. ]
I told you that I'm not either.
[ he doesn't even know what to say to everyone's well wishes. his focus goes to not completely lashing out at everyone who talks to him. it's easier with matsui because again he's in such terrible shape. ]
I don't think you should try to feel as much as we do.
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He will keep his handsie for the time being then. His now.]
I do, even if I don't wish to. [He is just stuck here.] ...Would it help, to have someone here? You don't have to speak to me, if you don't wish to. I understand that words are difficult when the heart is damaged.
w1 ; sat
he'll knock, loudly, echoing about the space. ]
Matsui-san? [ honorifics hours now ]
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...Haru.
[Hello.
Damn, what do you say in this situation.]
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but no, haru looks calmer than he did in trial. it's not that the verdict was closure. it's... something else. ]
Why didn't you try to hide it?
[ if anything, they'd encouraged suspicion. ]
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But they sure did, huh. Matsui folds his hands together, and the grip is tight. After a moment in which he gathers his thoughts:]
Because Rin was young and knew only times of peace. He was afraid just to be here, but still wished to be strong for others, even though no one should have to learn such strength in such a way. ...If winning comes at the cost of a life like that, I will have no part in it.
[Matsui really said I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP.]
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he drifts a little closer, grateful maybe in this instance that matsui can't see his expression. ]
...You're right. He was all of that. [ rin was just a young person doing his best in a place that was insanely beyond him. ] But I didn't expect that anyone would... honor that. Over their team.
[ it's impressive. really. ]
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CALM VIBES... Welcome to the pew though friend... Matsui will follow the sound of his approach as best as he's able, and the sound of his voice after that.
That said he's about to become gloomy and vaguely ominous very quickly because he's just Like This.]
You carry the actions and choices that you make on your back until the day you die, and even thereafter. If you make a choice that you cannot carry, what will you do even if you return to life? [A beat.] For me, this would be something that I couldn't carry.
[Because he has
✨ kid murder trauma ✨
but i refuse to let matsui be the most upset person in the room when THE OTHER PERSON IS FUCKING HARU FREE.]
...I wish that I could offer you something more than this, though. Repenting doesn't bring back the dead, or the erased.
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but no, he sits beside matsui, very rudely pulling his legs up so his feet rest on the pews. he just wants to be curled up and small. ]
You don't have to offer me anything. You didn't kill him.
[ it's still hard to even say those words aloud, but it's the truth. ]
Your kindness won't revive him. But it still means something. To me, if not him.
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He wouldn't mind Haru's disrespect of the church even if he could see it though, you put those feet on the pew. Valid to want to be small. He was probably doing that himself at several points throughout the day.
He's quiet for a little at that, though, because he isn't entirely sure how to respond to it. It would be easier, he thinks, if people treated him with the same level of upset that they would likely treat the one directly responsible for it.]
...I am sorry, even so, that it's the only thing I can give. This place is a cruelty that none of you should have to experience.
[But damn what can he do, he's just a sword.]
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That's true. [ he thinks this place is really cruel. a buried piece of him feels sorry for the rest of their team, too. since they'll lose someone the next day. ] Buzen-san told me that someone forced Rin's killer to act.
[ and he isn't resentful of that, at least not visibly. he thinks it's a difficult position to be in. he can't forgive anyone, but he can't judge them, either. ]
It was never meant to be fair.
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He was made to erase or be erased. He was not made to target Rin.
[And Matsui definitely thinks that that's something to take responsibility for, beyond the responsibility for choosing to take someone else's life in exchange for survival at all.]
...But it's unsurprising. This game is only meant to last seven weeks. If no one is moving of their own volition, then something else will have to create the movement.
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he rests his forehead forward, against his knees. ]
I wanted it to be different.
[ he just wanted it to be a normal "game." a competition just like any other, where losing didn't scare him at all. ]
I'm afraid of this... momentum. [ someone is stirring movement, and there's no slowing down. ]
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He struggles with what to say for a moment. The last time anyone mentioned to him in such a straightforward way that they were afraid, it was Rin.]
...I wish that I could tell you something that would make it easier, or less frightening.
[But he can't think of a way to do that that wouldn't be false reassurances at best. He wishes that it could be different, too, but what does wishing really do?]
If there is any way in which you think I may be able to help you, moving forward, then please-- let me know. I don't believe I can do much, here. But I will do what's possible.
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in the end, this is better. ]
I don't want to be a burden. I'll try not to ask too much. But... thanks. ...Thank you.
[ he can't deny that he's in over his head and the offer alone is nice. ]
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[This is what he was made for - to help and protect humans, even if it means by cutting flesh and spilling blood. He has a human body, now, so he himself can choose who to protect and who to turn his blade against.
Part of it is certainly a feeling of debt toward Haru, but most is just the fact that he can't stand to see the lives of young civilians put at risk.
The thanks just earns him a gentle nod in return, though. It's the very least he can do, when he can do so very little.]
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[ it's enough to just sit in the quiet of this chapel, or by the side of an empty pool, and not to be alone. ]
I don't want to be a crack in your steel. [ it would be really nice not to watch anyone who's been nice to him this trial die. ]
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...You will not be. Don't be concerned.
[If he hasn't already shattered before now, then the weight of one more person won't crush him, at least.]
But I will abide by what you would like to see from me.
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I just want you to be yourself.
[ matsui and buzen both have offered too much in return for what's happened, when it wasn't their fault anyway. ]
You don't need to do more than that.
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He doesn't feel like this is necessarily enough, or okay, but like. What is he gonna do, force Haru to ask for more?? He can at least just make it clear that he would be willing to do more, if ever asked.]
...If that is what you wish.
[Haru may regret these words on Saturday but it's fine.]
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haru is not a moralistic kid—he likes matsui. for better or worse, he wants to accept the beautiful, dull, or deadly parts of a blade.
it's enough that he was kind and decent in this moment, when he lost an irreplaceable friend. ]
It is.
[ he's quiet for a moment longer, exhausted of things to say. ]
You're injured. Sorry. But—could I stay a little longer? [ it feels quiet and safe, here. ]
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When the question comes, he answers without pause.]
Stay as long as you would like.
[Because he can offer very little, but he can at least sit with Haru in the same way he'd offered to before, when he'd held his hand in the water and asked if he would rather be alone. The cathedral is kind to him, as vast and indifferent as it may sometimes seem.
He hopes that Haru can find some solace in it, too.]
w2 tues
He is seated in the park instead, not overly close to the lake, and appears to be looking through wildflowers for ones of a very specific shade. WHERE IS HARU ON THIS FINE DAY surely not in the lake.]
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...How are you feeling?
[ matsui your EYEBALLS ]
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Anyway, considering he looks up and over and at Haru's eyes when he hears him speak, chances are pretty good that he finally got them healed.]
--Should that not be my question to ask you?
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because matsui is a sword, and because haru is not good at verbalizing anything anyway, he'll just step into emotion-share range so it can explain itself. his feelings aren't buried, happy, or weak: if grief could be a vast, still sea, that's what his is.
but they also aren't a tumult right now. he's steady. ]
I'm fine.
[ BEING DEPRESSED IS NORMAL HERE ]
But you look better.
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SIR YOUR FUCKING VAST OCEAN OF GRIEF, THOUGH. HELP. Matsui is in some parts grateful for this week's effect, because it helps him to understand things that he otherwise wouldn't. He's unhappy in other parts. The feeling of that stillness isn't unfamiliar to him, but there's still a thread of thrumming empathy that weaves through him when he feels it.
Humans shouldn't have to experience loss like this, even if it's steady, even if it's stable. People drown in tranquil seas just as often as they drown in turbulent ones.]
...It feels-- wide and quiet, inside of you. Like an abandoned shrine.
[#spirit metaphors. But if Haru says it's fine, who is he to argue? He doesn't know a damn thing about human hearts. After a beat, he nods in response to the last statement.]
Yes. Buzen healed the rest of my damage today.
[HE REALLY MAKES BUZEN DO EVERYTHING.
Anyway, beyond that thread of empathy, Matsui's general base state once Haru steps into range is that of an ailing Victorian who i have been describing with increasingly ridiculous seaside metaphors which truly makes him a match for Haru. It's not grief, though. Just a pervading sense of morose melancholy with vague underpinnings of guilt.]
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A shrine... [ hm ] Could be worse.
[ he'll take quiet. he's rather be a forgotten shrine than a burning one. he reaches to pick a flower—it's more like a weed, tall and reedy, but bright yellow. ]
I don't mind healing you when you need it. [ a gentle current of concern threads through his words, still tranquil ] But I guess you were waiting on Buzen-san.
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Matsui watches as he picks the weed, and there's a little blip of something that feels like agreement when he says "could be worse", even if the concern is still present. It really could be...]
Abandoned shrines can become harbors, but they can also become curses.
[The offer, on the other hand, causes the guilt to increase a little, along with another, complex feeling.]
...Thank you for the offer. [A flickering thread of gratitude.] I dislike repairs, so... I wished for it to be Buzen, if it had to be anyone at all.
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he doesn't comment on which one he thinks he'd be. there's just a sway of emotion, a conflicted rise in the tide, and it settles again. ]
...Why? Isn't it painful not to get repaired?
[ he still has a human-ish body, it seems. ]
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Matsui gives him a little look at that emotional rise, but doesn't say anything aloud. There is some faint whisper of concern, though. None Of These Kids Are Alright.
As for the question, Matsui replies very Catholicly.]
It serves as a reminder. Most of my damages occur because of mistakes I make that cost others in blood, so the least I can do is retain it for as long as possible, rather than wiping it away as though it never existed.
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You have human feelings now though.
[ haru is not catholic so he doesn't understand this sort of guilt i guess. the levels of self-flagellation in this place puzzles him. ]
The damage will last in your heart, even if you let your body heal.
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I know. But I prefer to carry both.
[Sometimes the hurt in your miserable little heart just doesn't feel like enough.]
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...Why?
[ his emotions are—not really curious. more concerned. ]
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Matsui's emotions just remain in the same perpetual melancholic state, but there's something a little hesitant because he simply does not know how to explain Catholic guilt to this teenage normie.]
...Because all of the physical and emotional weight that I can carry is still not enough to compare to the loss of one life. The scales can't be balanced, but I would still like to do what I can.
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feeling guilty about killing someone seems normal to him; having any amount of empathy would make it unbearable, he thinks. just living life, every happiness tinged with memories of robbing someone else of theirs.
but matsui is a spirit—he'd assume it would be different for him. haru reaches for some small, pink wildflowers. ]
You're right. There's no amount of remorse that brings the dead back. [ even here. ] ...But neither does pain.
[ justice, revenge, the metaphorical evening of the scales—none of that matters to the dead, do they? ]
I just hope you don't suffer needlessly.
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Wordlessly, he plucks up a little blue flower and reaches forward to tuck it behind Haru's ear. There's a little soft thread of gratitude.]
You have a kind heart.
[At least, the heart that he's seen so far is kind. All the more unfair that he's had to suffer through such a loss. Rin, he thinks, also had a kind heart.
Life is largely unkind, though. It seems like death is much the same.]
w2 sat cw for suicidal ideation, self-harm closes my eyes
Welcome to the CATHEDRAL!!!! Matsui is lying on one of the pews overlooking the front. Hopefully Haru is prepared to approach him because the vibes that were happening in trial are literally nothing compared to the ones happening now even though that was like being piledriven through the earth's crust. The vibes happening now are much more similar to the ones Rang had to deal with all by his lonesome on Friday: a colossal, crushing, agonizing grief. The kind of pinprick puncture that sucks all the air from the room. The kind of density of a collapsing neutron star, or the very, very bottom of the sea.
There is also an extremely strong desire to end things. Like truly there is just no nice poetic way to say that Matsui is feeling exceedingly, insanely suicidal right now i am SORRY NU.]
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haru does have like, considerable empathy, so it's hard not to absorb it, this absolute pressure of an entire ocean's worth of grief and misery bearing down on him. it's overwhelming enough that he nearly empties out in response, emotions flattened to something very quiet and still. and that works out. it helps him exist in this space with together.
he'll come sit next to matsui, though it's a wonder if he'll even be responsive. he doesn't try to touch him yet or anything. ] Matsui-san.
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Anyway, Matsui doesn't respond at first, though it seems like he's relatively aware of his surroundings. The emotions don't abate, but he feels like he owes Haru more than most here, and that includes giving Haru what he can, when he can, even if it's a small thing like this attention.
So he looks his way, quiet.]
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but he's trying very hard to cope with those things now that he's here. so he looks peaceably back at matsui. ]
...I'm sorry. I intruded on your feelings, earlier. [ when he felt his huge gay grief and yearning for buzen. ] But I'm... glad I got to feel it. The magnitude of who he was.
[ even if it was through matsui, it felt... important. to understand how much this man meant to someone. how much his love bolstered them. ]
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It is no fault of yours. This place is unkind.
[He's not upset for the leaking of his own emotions or sharing them, so much as for what they wrought onto other people.
But at that, below the murk, there's something warm. His love for Buzen weighs in equal parts to his misery, after all. Quietly, spoken with almost a sort of reverence:]
...There will never be another blade like Buzen Gou.
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He leaves an impression.
[ not just for his easy friendliness. haru's feelings convey a sense of... beneath the more obvious sadness, there's respect. a deep, sincere gratitude. ]
Would you tell me about him?
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Feeling that gratitude moves something in him, too - something deep under the misery. Something a little fond, maybe. He really does have a lot of fondness for Haru, Ylfa and Gerard.]
...What would you like to know?
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he just sort of curls up too now, sorry to this pew. his feelings of gratitude extend to matsui, too—for letting him loiter around in a vulnerable moment, and for everything else. ]
Something about him that you want me to remember.
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But truly they're both just having a sad pew party. It's fine. That's what cathedrals are for. He's quiet for a few moments.]
...There is too much that I want him to be remembered for for me to possibly say. The way that he can melt away worries when nothing else can. How open and vast his heart is. How much love is in it. The way that he's always attuned to what the people around him need, and how willing he is to give that to them.
[To him, Buzen was more than just the sun at the center of his galaxy. He was the tether keeping him attached to life - the absolution and salvation that he's been searching for for centuries.]
Remember as much as you can about him. Everything that you can. ...He is-- a phantom in many ways, even among us Gous. His past and future were always uncertain, so... remembering him is the most precious gift he could be given.
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he thinks back to matsui's longing again, and thinks he's put it into words in a lovely way. the feelings had been burned into him already, but he'll remember what he's saying now, too.
quietly, ]
...I felt safer when he was here. Like maybe he really could help me.
[ because buzen and matsui offered to do everything they could, when it felt like haru's world had caved in on itself. even if he was resolved to never need them, it'd still been nice. a sort of hope, at a time where he had very little. it's temporary, but he has a moment of fondness that neighbors upon happiness. ]
I promise I won't forget.
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The first statement strikes a strong chord in him, though. He can understand all too well what Haru means, and there's another thrum of longing from him. To feel Buzen's arms around him, to know that he's safe.]
...He has that effect on people.
[His emotions are watery, and he feels sorrow for the loss. He had been wrapped up in his own suffering for days, but Buzen is the kind of person who would leave a bleeding wound on any heart.]
His absence is a weight that I know you must feel... And it's selfish of me, but I'm glad for it. I'm glad that he will have this. Remembrance is a painful and heavy thing, but it is what we owe to those who leave us.
[Buzen, Rin. Everyone whose spilled blood paves the way to victory.]
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there is a somber gravity to his feelings, but he nods. it's better to remember. as someone who's tried to forget in the past, and came to regret it—he resolves now to keep these memories close. if they win, it's all that will survive of these people.
it makes each moment that much heavier. ]
It's not selfish. You want others to remember the person you cared about was real. And how invaluable they were. It's... [ love? ] your wish.
[ he literally just went through this with rin. it's not wrong to have a wish. and even if it is selfish, he doesn't care. this does start to square up another emotion in him though, one more tentative: trepidation. the acute feeling of being the one left behind. ]
...Matsui-san. Can I ask—what will you do now?
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"It's not selfish", Haru says, and Matsui doesn't even wish that he could believe him because he's a fuckin self-flagellative maniac. But at the very least, he can appreciate the intention behind the words being said. It is his wish. It is his love, however cruel it may be.
The question has his emotions shifting again, leaning back to the state of sheer misery he'd been in before Haru had arrived. It's an agonizing decision that they've placed in his hands, though he doesn't hold even the slightest scrap of ill will toward a single one of them.]
...I... [The words turn over in his head, in his heart. He folds his hands together tightly.] ...I wish to follow him.
[More than anything, he wants to follow Buzen. He was literally born into this world in the throes of pain, asking why he had been made, and so very little that he's experienced in his short time as a human has shown him that anything in life is worth sticking around for.
His heart hurts so badly, but...]
If our world is at risk, then I can't. [And that kills him just the same. It's an exquisite, excruciating agony that sears him to the bone. Quieter:] If we lost it all because of my selfishness, I would never be able to face him again.
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...Just wanting something isn't selfish. What you want makes up who you are. It's not wrong. I don't care if you're a spirit or a human, that's true of anything with feelings. Some of you are really stupid about this.
[ what's selfish is that he hears this, and he wants matsui to stay. he can feel the misery, the entire breadth of his longing, this massive, agonizing grief in wanting to reunite, one that he can empathize with, and even so—it scares him to think that matsui was so near to leaving.
and then rang would've died. and then he'd still just be here, with these memories he promised to keep that he'd likely grow to resent.
...even so, it's obviously miserable for matsui to hang on like this, and that makes him sympathize, too, guilty for putting him in this predicament. once again, feelings are just a conflicting terrible nightmare. he looks at matsui, his brows drawing in faintly. ]
If you're alive, you can bring him back. [ even if he has child murder trauma, there are not-children here. ] But, I—...hope you can see him. One way or another.
[ he's not so unkind that he'd say the rest: but please, don't die. ]
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His body feels like a creaking cavern. It feels like it takes ten people's worth of effort to push himself upright, but he does - slow, sure, steady. He rises from his pathetic curl on the pew, and shifts where he's sitting so that he can face Haru in his own little pathetic curl more properly.
In the same way that he had done on that day that Haru was floating in the pool, he holds a hand out toward him. A quiet invitation.]
...Thank you. I wish the same for you.
[Haru's loss was also vast, but he's endured longer than Matsui would have been able to if he hadn't been forcibly stapled to life. There's something admirable in that. There's something tragic in that.
He doesn't go into the fact that they had never intended on winning, he and Buzen. Not against so many young lives.]
The words you say... I don't know if I can agree with them. [About just wanting something not being selfish, when he feels so selfish any time he wants for anything at all.] But you speak from a gentle place. I am honored to have been able to see it.
[To have been able to get to know Haru at all, with all his complex, conflicting emotions, his oceans in all their grief and storm. He has no intention of leaving now that he's made the horrific decision to bear this weight as well, but he's still feeling morose and mournful, so he speaks like they're going to part anyway.]
w7 ; mon
...Can you see our surroundings, Matsui-san?
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No. To me, it appears as though you are in a park here... Where are you?
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[It's okay though, they made their own. SPEAKING OF HE JUST LOOKS DOWN AT HIMSELF and then swishes his maid skirts a little.]
I enjoy it. It's comfortable and covers up enough.
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That's fine. It looks nice on you. I think. [ he has never had to consider whether maid outfits are a sexy thing ]
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Thank you. [The way he sounds genuinely pleased...]
We have one for Rin as well.
[HELP.]
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haru does not even blink at this. ]
Oh. He's from an all-boy's school. They already wear stuff like that.
[ ????? ]
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Oh, I see... I did not know that maid cafés and schools had similar uniforms.
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Only some of them. My school is normal.
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[HE TRULY JUST SAYS THIS WITH HIS WHOLE CHEST. JUST SO MUCH CONFIDENCE AND FOR WHAT.]
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What.
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[WHAT IS HE COMING FOR HARU'S LIFE FOR.]
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he has no problem with being (jughead voice) weird, but hearing this from MATSUI? ]
...You're the last person who can say that. [ MISTER BLOOD AND TEETH ]
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I do not go to school...?
[Surely that's what Haru meant, right!]
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You learned to be weird on your own.
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I have been like this since I was summoned.
[He didn't learn anything it's all natural.]
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You're just proving my point.
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Pets you pets you pets you.
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Don't just resort to petting...!
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It is punishment. For slander and for refusing to hold my hand.
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[ he has had such a time identifying matsui's letters ]
You'll have to come back if you want me to hold your hand.
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For now though, he'll just hold a hand out Haru's way. After a little beat of silence:]
...I am sorry for how things happened, that day. [HIS CATHOLIC GUILT FOR GETTING MISERY SHARK VORED.] I would like to hold your hand once more, when everything is said and done.
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...We didn't help. By showing you that note.
[ pretty sure they contributed to him getting misery vored by a bad vibes shark. his expression flickers, a little dark, but in the end he just sighs. ]
...I hope we've done enough to help you all come back.
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It was important information to share. Moreover, if I had stayed alive, I would have left you with an unpleasant burden, so... Things worked out in the way that they were meant to, perhaps.
[God is merciful sometimes maybe. Matsui at least thinks that Froggystyle did the right thing. That said, there's a little flicker of warmth in his expression.]
You've all worked very hard... Thank you. Even I can feel somewhat optimistic at this point.
[SMASHCUT TO RUBY BLASTING THEM INTO DUST...]
w7 fri which is weds
But then he blinks and looks down and there's Haru!]
...Hello again.
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[ waves from... the ground. ]
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...It zoops through like before. Tch.]
Mm... [His brow furrows a little, frustrated.] --Never mind that. How are you faring? You have had a difficult few days that have now never happened.
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It's fine. [ it would've been more traumatic if the previous weeks weren't such a hellscape already. he can simply escape by disassociating anyway. ] I'm ready for this to be over.
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I am sure the same could be said for all of us... A simple conclusion would have been pleasant.
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Yeah. ...You saw us all die, right. That must've been—uh. Stressful.
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It was more than "stressful". Some of us almost died again.
[THE SHEER HEART ATTACK AND BLUE SCREENING.]
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he is idiot sandwiched in spirit, looking mildly apologetic at least. ]
...Sorry. Stuff happened fast.
[ TO SAY THE LEAST. more contritely: ]
I hadn't expected Ruby to turn on us like that.
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There is no need for you to apologize. As you know, Ruby has been planning on this for some time...
[So even if some people SPILLED THE BEANS, all it really did was hasten her desperation. He's quiet for a second after that.]
...Are you going to try talking to her, if you can?
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his expression grows a little distant, thoughtful but a little sad. resigned. ]
Matsui-san. If someone hates doing something, but makes the decision to do it anyway—do you think it's easier or harder to convince them to stop?
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Haha mood though.]
Harder. [His answer comes without pause. Though there's a little bit of something melancholic in his expression, too, he isn't about to let one person stand in the way.]
...I will be frank. I don't think that anyone will succeed in convincing her. I believe it is likely she will need to die.
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...I know. [ his sadness comes into sharper relief then, having to acknowledge it aloud. ] She lied a lot. But... when we talked, about how most of us were alive when we were brought here—she seemed genuinely upset for us. Angry.
I don't think she can stand by and watch this anymore. She's strong and she'll do whatever it takes. [ and it's sad because he understands that. he gets that a reaper is someone who's won the reapers' game—someone who's already decided to take matters into their own hands. ] And that's why, even if we're friends, I think it's fair. That we also do what it takes to protect ourselves.
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But yeah. Yeah! Matsui just dips his head a little, closing his eyes, quiet for a moment.]
It makes her very human, to break in this way.
[Because she's strong and she'll do whatever it takes, but she is very much a broken being, as far as he can tell. It reminds him of the man who wielded him so very long ago - that man, who had wanted to wage a war so horrific, so utterly destructive, that no other would follow it.
People often become twisted in their hurt and despair, in their fury and their exhaustion with corrupt systems.]
...Unfortunately, though it is understandable what she's fighting for, she is one person threatening forty, and thirty-someodd worlds. That is a threat that can't be allowed to persist.