"It's not selfish", Haru says, and Matsui doesn't even wish that he could believe him because he's a fuckin self-flagellative maniac. But at the very least, he can appreciate the intention behind the words being said. It is his wish. It is his love, however cruel it may be.
The question has his emotions shifting again, leaning back to the state of sheer misery he'd been in before Haru had arrived. It's an agonizing decision that they've placed in his hands, though he doesn't hold even the slightest scrap of ill will toward a single one of them.]
...I... [The words turn over in his head, in his heart. He folds his hands together tightly.] ...I wish to follow him.
[More than anything, he wants to follow Buzen. He was literally born into this world in the throes of pain, asking why he had been made, and so very little that he's experienced in his short time as a human has shown him that anything in life is worth sticking around for.
His heart hurts so badly, but...]
If our world is at risk, then I can't. [And that kills him just the same. It's an exquisite, excruciating agony that sears him to the bone. Quieter:] If we lost it all because of my selfishness, I would never be able to face him again.
[ the answer isn't a surprise, but it still lands like a punch. he curls up a little tighter where he's sitting. after a moment, ]
...Just wanting something isn't selfish. What you want makes up who you are. It's not wrong. I don't care if you're a spirit or a human, that's true of anything with feelings. Some of you are really stupid about this.
[ what's selfish is that he hears this, and he wants matsui to stay. he can feel the misery, the entire breadth of his longing, this massive, agonizing grief in wanting to reunite, one that he can empathize with, and even so—it scares him to think that matsui was so near to leaving.
and then rang would've died. and then he'd still just be here, with these memories he promised to keep that he'd likely grow to resent.
...even so, it's obviously miserable for matsui to hang on like this, and that makes him sympathize, too, guilty for putting him in this predicament. once again, feelings are just a conflicting terrible nightmare. he looks at matsui, his brows drawing in faintly. ]
If you're alive, you can bring him back. [ even if he has child murder trauma, there are not-children here. ] But, I—...hope you can see him. One way or another.
[ he's not so unkind that he'd say the rest: but please, don't die. ]
[He leaves the words unsaid, but Matsui can hear them, anyway. The sentiment behind them - the knot of guilty and messy emotions.
His body feels like a creaking cavern. It feels like it takes ten people's worth of effort to push himself upright, but he does - slow, sure, steady. He rises from his pathetic curl on the pew, and shifts where he's sitting so that he can face Haru in his own little pathetic curl more properly.
In the same way that he had done on that day that Haru was floating in the pool, he holds a hand out toward him. A quiet invitation.]
...Thank you. I wish the same for you.
[Haru's loss was also vast, but he's endured longer than Matsui would have been able to if he hadn't been forcibly stapled to life. There's something admirable in that. There's something tragic in that.
He doesn't go into the fact that they had never intended on winning, he and Buzen. Not against so many young lives.]
The words you say... I don't know if I can agree with them. [About just wanting something not being selfish, when he feels so selfish any time he wants for anything at all.] But you speak from a gentle place. I am honored to have been able to see it.
[To have been able to get to know Haru at all, with all his complex, conflicting emotions, his oceans in all their grief and storm. He has no intention of leaving now that he's made the horrific decision to bear this weight as well, but he's still feeling morose and mournful, so he speaks like they're going to part anyway.]
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"It's not selfish", Haru says, and Matsui doesn't even wish that he could believe him because he's a fuckin self-flagellative maniac. But at the very least, he can appreciate the intention behind the words being said. It is his wish. It is his love, however cruel it may be.
The question has his emotions shifting again, leaning back to the state of sheer misery he'd been in before Haru had arrived. It's an agonizing decision that they've placed in his hands, though he doesn't hold even the slightest scrap of ill will toward a single one of them.]
...I... [The words turn over in his head, in his heart. He folds his hands together tightly.] ...I wish to follow him.
[More than anything, he wants to follow Buzen. He was literally born into this world in the throes of pain, asking why he had been made, and so very little that he's experienced in his short time as a human has shown him that anything in life is worth sticking around for.
His heart hurts so badly, but...]
If our world is at risk, then I can't. [And that kills him just the same. It's an exquisite, excruciating agony that sears him to the bone. Quieter:] If we lost it all because of my selfishness, I would never be able to face him again.
no subject
...Just wanting something isn't selfish. What you want makes up who you are. It's not wrong. I don't care if you're a spirit or a human, that's true of anything with feelings. Some of you are really stupid about this.
[ what's selfish is that he hears this, and he wants matsui to stay. he can feel the misery, the entire breadth of his longing, this massive, agonizing grief in wanting to reunite, one that he can empathize with, and even so—it scares him to think that matsui was so near to leaving.
and then rang would've died. and then he'd still just be here, with these memories he promised to keep that he'd likely grow to resent.
...even so, it's obviously miserable for matsui to hang on like this, and that makes him sympathize, too, guilty for putting him in this predicament. once again, feelings are just a conflicting terrible nightmare. he looks at matsui, his brows drawing in faintly. ]
If you're alive, you can bring him back. [ even if he has child murder trauma, there are not-children here. ] But, I—...hope you can see him. One way or another.
[ he's not so unkind that he'd say the rest: but please, don't die. ]
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His body feels like a creaking cavern. It feels like it takes ten people's worth of effort to push himself upright, but he does - slow, sure, steady. He rises from his pathetic curl on the pew, and shifts where he's sitting so that he can face Haru in his own little pathetic curl more properly.
In the same way that he had done on that day that Haru was floating in the pool, he holds a hand out toward him. A quiet invitation.]
...Thank you. I wish the same for you.
[Haru's loss was also vast, but he's endured longer than Matsui would have been able to if he hadn't been forcibly stapled to life. There's something admirable in that. There's something tragic in that.
He doesn't go into the fact that they had never intended on winning, he and Buzen. Not against so many young lives.]
The words you say... I don't know if I can agree with them. [About just wanting something not being selfish, when he feels so selfish any time he wants for anything at all.] But you speak from a gentle place. I am honored to have been able to see it.
[To have been able to get to know Haru at all, with all his complex, conflicting emotions, his oceans in all their grief and storm. He has no intention of leaving now that he's made the horrific decision to bear this weight as well, but he's still feeling morose and mournful, so he speaks like they're going to part anyway.]