CALM VIBES... Welcome to the pew though friend... Matsui will follow the sound of his approach as best as he's able, and the sound of his voice after that.
That said he's about to become gloomy and vaguely ominous very quickly because he's just Like This.]
You carry the actions and choices that you make on your back until the day you die, and even thereafter. If you make a choice that you cannot carry, what will you do even if you return to life? [A beat.] For me, this would be something that I couldn't carry.
[Because he has
✨ kid murder trauma ✨
but i refuse to let matsui be the most upset person in the room when THE OTHER PERSON IS FUCKING HARU FREE.]
...I wish that I could offer you something more than this, though. Repenting doesn't bring back the dead, or the erased.
[ hello he wants the sad sword lore?? he really looks so torn listening to all this, because it's weightier than he's used to. you don't get discussions about the weight of your sins in swim club.
but no, he sits beside matsui, very rudely pulling his legs up so his feet rest on the pews. he just wants to be curled up and small. ]
You don't have to offer me anything. You didn't kill him.
[ it's still hard to even say those words aloud, but it's the truth. ]
Your kindness won't revive him. But it still means something. To me, if not him.
[no sswlore (sad sword lore), only existential discussions about the crushing weight of human sin.
He wouldn't mind Haru's disrespect of the church even if he could see it though, you put those feet on the pew. Valid to want to be small. He was probably doing that himself at several points throughout the day.
He's quiet for a little at that, though, because he isn't entirely sure how to respond to it. It would be easier, he thinks, if people treated him with the same level of upset that they would likely treat the one directly responsible for it.]
...I am sorry, even so, that it's the only thing I can give. This place is a cruelty that none of you should have to experience.
[ it's not so bad to just be small in a quiet place. he prefers the pool, but as stifling as this place is, he can kind of see why someone might drop in for sanctuary. ]
That's true. [ he thinks this place is really cruel. a buried piece of him feels sorry for the rest of their team, too. since they'll lose someone the next day. ] Buzen-san told me that someone forced Rin's killer to act.
[ and he isn't resentful of that, at least not visibly. he thinks it's a difficult position to be in. he can't forgive anyone, but he can't judge them, either. ]
[Matsui isn't forgiving either, because even though D's hand had supposedly been forced--]
He was made to erase or be erased. He was not made to target Rin.
[And Matsui definitely thinks that that's something to take responsibility for, beyond the responsibility for choosing to take someone else's life in exchange for survival at all.]
...But it's unsurprising. This game is only meant to last seven weeks. If no one is moving of their own volition, then something else will have to create the movement.
[He glances over, without seeing, and wishes that he could for a moment. If only so he could maybe try to gauge what response to give, as if even a human would be equipped to handle this kind of situation flawlessly.
He struggles with what to say for a moment. The last time anyone mentioned to him in such a straightforward way that they were afraid, it was Rin.]
...I wish that I could tell you something that would make it easier, or less frightening.
[But he can't think of a way to do that that wouldn't be false reassurances at best. He wishes that it could be different, too, but what does wishing really do?]
If there is any way in which you think I may be able to help you, moving forward, then please-- let me know. I don't believe I can do much, here. But I will do what's possible.
[ matsui's honesty is frightening in and of itself, but he still appreciates it. haru'd lied and told rin that things would be okay and that he'd be safe.
in the end, this is better. ]
I don't want to be a burden. I'll try not to ask too much. But... thanks. ...Thank you.
[ he can't deny that he's in over his head and the offer alone is nice. ]
You won't be a burden to me. I am a sword, after all.
[This is what he was made for - to help and protect humans, even if it means by cutting flesh and spilling blood. He has a human body, now, so he himself can choose who to protect and who to turn his blade against.
Part of it is certainly a feeling of debt toward Haru, but most is just the fact that he can't stand to see the lives of young civilians put at risk.
The thanks just earns him a gentle nod in return, though. It's the very least he can do, when he can do so very little.]
He doesn't feel like this is necessarily enough, or okay, but like. What is he gonna do, force Haru to ask for more?? He can at least just make it clear that he would be willing to do more, if ever asked.]
...If that is what you wish.
[Haru may regret these words on Saturday but it's fine.]
[Matsui allows the silence to stretch however Haru may like it, never having been an overly-talkative person, himself.
When the question comes, he answers without pause.]
Stay as long as you would like.
[Because he can offer very little, but he can at least sit with Haru in the same way he'd offered to before, when he'd held his hand in the water and asked if he would rather be alone. The cathedral is kind to him, as vast and indifferent as it may sometimes seem.
He hopes that Haru can find some solace in it, too.]
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no subject
CALM VIBES... Welcome to the pew though friend... Matsui will follow the sound of his approach as best as he's able, and the sound of his voice after that.
That said he's about to become gloomy and vaguely ominous very quickly because he's just Like This.]
You carry the actions and choices that you make on your back until the day you die, and even thereafter. If you make a choice that you cannot carry, what will you do even if you return to life? [A beat.] For me, this would be something that I couldn't carry.
[Because he has
✨ kid murder trauma ✨
but i refuse to let matsui be the most upset person in the room when THE OTHER PERSON IS FUCKING HARU FREE.]
...I wish that I could offer you something more than this, though. Repenting doesn't bring back the dead, or the erased.
no subject
but no, he sits beside matsui, very rudely pulling his legs up so his feet rest on the pews. he just wants to be curled up and small. ]
You don't have to offer me anything. You didn't kill him.
[ it's still hard to even say those words aloud, but it's the truth. ]
Your kindness won't revive him. But it still means something. To me, if not him.
no subject
He wouldn't mind Haru's disrespect of the church even if he could see it though, you put those feet on the pew. Valid to want to be small. He was probably doing that himself at several points throughout the day.
He's quiet for a little at that, though, because he isn't entirely sure how to respond to it. It would be easier, he thinks, if people treated him with the same level of upset that they would likely treat the one directly responsible for it.]
...I am sorry, even so, that it's the only thing I can give. This place is a cruelty that none of you should have to experience.
[But damn what can he do, he's just a sword.]
no subject
That's true. [ he thinks this place is really cruel. a buried piece of him feels sorry for the rest of their team, too. since they'll lose someone the next day. ] Buzen-san told me that someone forced Rin's killer to act.
[ and he isn't resentful of that, at least not visibly. he thinks it's a difficult position to be in. he can't forgive anyone, but he can't judge them, either. ]
It was never meant to be fair.
no subject
He was made to erase or be erased. He was not made to target Rin.
[And Matsui definitely thinks that that's something to take responsibility for, beyond the responsibility for choosing to take someone else's life in exchange for survival at all.]
...But it's unsurprising. This game is only meant to last seven weeks. If no one is moving of their own volition, then something else will have to create the movement.
no subject
he rests his forehead forward, against his knees. ]
I wanted it to be different.
[ he just wanted it to be a normal "game." a competition just like any other, where losing didn't scare him at all. ]
I'm afraid of this... momentum. [ someone is stirring movement, and there's no slowing down. ]
no subject
He struggles with what to say for a moment. The last time anyone mentioned to him in such a straightforward way that they were afraid, it was Rin.]
...I wish that I could tell you something that would make it easier, or less frightening.
[But he can't think of a way to do that that wouldn't be false reassurances at best. He wishes that it could be different, too, but what does wishing really do?]
If there is any way in which you think I may be able to help you, moving forward, then please-- let me know. I don't believe I can do much, here. But I will do what's possible.
no subject
in the end, this is better. ]
I don't want to be a burden. I'll try not to ask too much. But... thanks. ...Thank you.
[ he can't deny that he's in over his head and the offer alone is nice. ]
no subject
[This is what he was made for - to help and protect humans, even if it means by cutting flesh and spilling blood. He has a human body, now, so he himself can choose who to protect and who to turn his blade against.
Part of it is certainly a feeling of debt toward Haru, but most is just the fact that he can't stand to see the lives of young civilians put at risk.
The thanks just earns him a gentle nod in return, though. It's the very least he can do, when he can do so very little.]
no subject
[ it's enough to just sit in the quiet of this chapel, or by the side of an empty pool, and not to be alone. ]
I don't want to be a crack in your steel. [ it would be really nice not to watch anyone who's been nice to him this trial die. ]
no subject
...You will not be. Don't be concerned.
[If he hasn't already shattered before now, then the weight of one more person won't crush him, at least.]
But I will abide by what you would like to see from me.
no subject
I just want you to be yourself.
[ matsui and buzen both have offered too much in return for what's happened, when it wasn't their fault anyway. ]
You don't need to do more than that.
no subject
He doesn't feel like this is necessarily enough, or okay, but like. What is he gonna do, force Haru to ask for more?? He can at least just make it clear that he would be willing to do more, if ever asked.]
...If that is what you wish.
[Haru may regret these words on Saturday but it's fine.]
no subject
haru is not a moralistic kid—he likes matsui. for better or worse, he wants to accept the beautiful, dull, or deadly parts of a blade.
it's enough that he was kind and decent in this moment, when he lost an irreplaceable friend. ]
It is.
[ he's quiet for a moment longer, exhausted of things to say. ]
You're injured. Sorry. But—could I stay a little longer? [ it feels quiet and safe, here. ]
no subject
When the question comes, he answers without pause.]
Stay as long as you would like.
[Because he can offer very little, but he can at least sit with Haru in the same way he'd offered to before, when he'd held his hand in the water and asked if he would rather be alone. The cathedral is kind to him, as vast and indifferent as it may sometimes seem.
He hopes that Haru can find some solace in it, too.]