[HELP. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH MATSUI'S ENORMOUS OCEANS OF HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF GRIEF!!!! GET THIS IDIOT OUT OF HERE.]
It is no fault of yours. This place is unkind.
[He's not upset for the leaking of his own emotions or sharing them, so much as for what they wrought onto other people.
But at that, below the murk, there's something warm. His love for Buzen weighs in equal parts to his misery, after all. Quietly, spoken with almost a sort of reverence:]
...There will never be another blade like Buzen Gou.
[ no! he's staying and he doesn't think matsui needs to feel bad about inflicting his emotions. it's haru's choice to stick around. ]
He leaves an impression.
[ not just for his easy friendliness. haru's feelings convey a sense of... beneath the more obvious sadness, there's respect. a deep, sincere gratitude. ]
[BEATS HARU UP except not really... HE'S A BRAVE LIL WEIRDO....... THEIR WIDOW ALLIANCE!!!!!
Feeling that gratitude moves something in him, too - something deep under the misery. Something a little fond, maybe. He really does have a lot of fondness for Haru, Ylfa and Gerard.]
[ he is a coward for being a sports protag but sometimes you bond with a fellow deep sea squid
he just sort of curls up too now, sorry to this pew. his feelings of gratitude extend to matsui, too—for letting him loiter around in a vulnerable moment, and for everything else. ]
[THEY REALLY ARE JUST DEEP SEA SQUID BONDING (BASS BOOSTED).
But truly they're both just having a sad pew party. It's fine. That's what cathedrals are for. He's quiet for a few moments.]
...There is too much that I want him to be remembered for for me to possibly say. The way that he can melt away worries when nothing else can. How open and vast his heart is. How much love is in it. The way that he's always attuned to what the people around him need, and how willing he is to give that to them.
[To him, Buzen was more than just the sun at the center of his galaxy. He was the tether keeping him attached to life - the absolution and salvation that he's been searching for for centuries.]
Remember as much as you can about him. Everything that you can. ...He is-- a phantom in many ways, even among us Gous. His past and future were always uncertain, so... remembering him is the most precious gift he could be given.
[ no. there is no deep sea squid bonding anymore. matsui has been ejected from the club. i will never accept any of you into my heart again.
he thinks back to matsui's longing again, and thinks he's put it into words in a lovely way. the feelings had been burned into him already, but he'll remember what he's saying now, too.
quietly, ]
...I felt safer when he was here. Like maybe he really could help me.
[ because buzen and matsui offered to do everything they could, when it felt like haru's world had caved in on itself. even if he was resolved to never need them, it'd still been nice. a sort of hope, at a time where he had very little. it's temporary, but he has a moment of fondness that neighbors upon happiness. ]
The first statement strikes a strong chord in him, though. He can understand all too well what Haru means, and there's another thrum of longing from him. To feel Buzen's arms around him, to know that he's safe.]
...He has that effect on people.
[His emotions are watery, and he feels sorrow for the loss. He had been wrapped up in his own suffering for days, but Buzen is the kind of person who would leave a bleeding wound on any heart.]
His absence is a weight that I know you must feel... And it's selfish of me, but I'm glad for it. I'm glad that he will have this. Remembrance is a painful and heavy thing, but it is what we owe to those who leave us.
[Buzen, Rin. Everyone whose spilled blood paves the way to victory.]
there is a somber gravity to his feelings, but he nods. it's better to remember. as someone who's tried to forget in the past, and came to regret it—he resolves now to keep these memories close. if they win, it's all that will survive of these people.
it makes each moment that much heavier. ]
It's not selfish. You want others to remember the person you cared about was real. And how invaluable they were. It's... [ love? ] your wish.
[ he literally just went through this with rin. it's not wrong to have a wish. and even if it is selfish, he doesn't care. this does start to square up another emotion in him though, one more tentative: trepidation. the acute feeling of being the one left behind. ]
"It's not selfish", Haru says, and Matsui doesn't even wish that he could believe him because he's a fuckin self-flagellative maniac. But at the very least, he can appreciate the intention behind the words being said. It is his wish. It is his love, however cruel it may be.
The question has his emotions shifting again, leaning back to the state of sheer misery he'd been in before Haru had arrived. It's an agonizing decision that they've placed in his hands, though he doesn't hold even the slightest scrap of ill will toward a single one of them.]
...I... [The words turn over in his head, in his heart. He folds his hands together tightly.] ...I wish to follow him.
[More than anything, he wants to follow Buzen. He was literally born into this world in the throes of pain, asking why he had been made, and so very little that he's experienced in his short time as a human has shown him that anything in life is worth sticking around for.
His heart hurts so badly, but...]
If our world is at risk, then I can't. [And that kills him just the same. It's an exquisite, excruciating agony that sears him to the bone. Quieter:] If we lost it all because of my selfishness, I would never be able to face him again.
[ the answer isn't a surprise, but it still lands like a punch. he curls up a little tighter where he's sitting. after a moment, ]
...Just wanting something isn't selfish. What you want makes up who you are. It's not wrong. I don't care if you're a spirit or a human, that's true of anything with feelings. Some of you are really stupid about this.
[ what's selfish is that he hears this, and he wants matsui to stay. he can feel the misery, the entire breadth of his longing, this massive, agonizing grief in wanting to reunite, one that he can empathize with, and even so—it scares him to think that matsui was so near to leaving.
and then rang would've died. and then he'd still just be here, with these memories he promised to keep that he'd likely grow to resent.
...even so, it's obviously miserable for matsui to hang on like this, and that makes him sympathize, too, guilty for putting him in this predicament. once again, feelings are just a conflicting terrible nightmare. he looks at matsui, his brows drawing in faintly. ]
If you're alive, you can bring him back. [ even if he has child murder trauma, there are not-children here. ] But, I—...hope you can see him. One way or another.
[ he's not so unkind that he'd say the rest: but please, don't die. ]
[He leaves the words unsaid, but Matsui can hear them, anyway. The sentiment behind them - the knot of guilty and messy emotions.
His body feels like a creaking cavern. It feels like it takes ten people's worth of effort to push himself upright, but he does - slow, sure, steady. He rises from his pathetic curl on the pew, and shifts where he's sitting so that he can face Haru in his own little pathetic curl more properly.
In the same way that he had done on that day that Haru was floating in the pool, he holds a hand out toward him. A quiet invitation.]
...Thank you. I wish the same for you.
[Haru's loss was also vast, but he's endured longer than Matsui would have been able to if he hadn't been forcibly stapled to life. There's something admirable in that. There's something tragic in that.
He doesn't go into the fact that they had never intended on winning, he and Buzen. Not against so many young lives.]
The words you say... I don't know if I can agree with them. [About just wanting something not being selfish, when he feels so selfish any time he wants for anything at all.] But you speak from a gentle place. I am honored to have been able to see it.
[To have been able to get to know Haru at all, with all his complex, conflicting emotions, his oceans in all their grief and storm. He has no intention of leaving now that he's made the horrific decision to bear this weight as well, but he's still feeling morose and mournful, so he speaks like they're going to part anyway.]
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no subject
It is no fault of yours. This place is unkind.
[He's not upset for the leaking of his own emotions or sharing them, so much as for what they wrought onto other people.
But at that, below the murk, there's something warm. His love for Buzen weighs in equal parts to his misery, after all. Quietly, spoken with almost a sort of reverence:]
...There will never be another blade like Buzen Gou.
no subject
He leaves an impression.
[ not just for his easy friendliness. haru's feelings convey a sense of... beneath the more obvious sadness, there's respect. a deep, sincere gratitude. ]
Would you tell me about him?
no subject
Feeling that gratitude moves something in him, too - something deep under the misery. Something a little fond, maybe. He really does have a lot of fondness for Haru, Ylfa and Gerard.]
...What would you like to know?
no subject
he just sort of curls up too now, sorry to this pew. his feelings of gratitude extend to matsui, too—for letting him loiter around in a vulnerable moment, and for everything else. ]
Something about him that you want me to remember.
no subject
But truly they're both just having a sad pew party. It's fine. That's what cathedrals are for. He's quiet for a few moments.]
...There is too much that I want him to be remembered for for me to possibly say. The way that he can melt away worries when nothing else can. How open and vast his heart is. How much love is in it. The way that he's always attuned to what the people around him need, and how willing he is to give that to them.
[To him, Buzen was more than just the sun at the center of his galaxy. He was the tether keeping him attached to life - the absolution and salvation that he's been searching for for centuries.]
Remember as much as you can about him. Everything that you can. ...He is-- a phantom in many ways, even among us Gous. His past and future were always uncertain, so... remembering him is the most precious gift he could be given.
no subject
he thinks back to matsui's longing again, and thinks he's put it into words in a lovely way. the feelings had been burned into him already, but he'll remember what he's saying now, too.
quietly, ]
...I felt safer when he was here. Like maybe he really could help me.
[ because buzen and matsui offered to do everything they could, when it felt like haru's world had caved in on itself. even if he was resolved to never need them, it'd still been nice. a sort of hope, at a time where he had very little. it's temporary, but he has a moment of fondness that neighbors upon happiness. ]
I promise I won't forget.
no subject
The first statement strikes a strong chord in him, though. He can understand all too well what Haru means, and there's another thrum of longing from him. To feel Buzen's arms around him, to know that he's safe.]
...He has that effect on people.
[His emotions are watery, and he feels sorrow for the loss. He had been wrapped up in his own suffering for days, but Buzen is the kind of person who would leave a bleeding wound on any heart.]
His absence is a weight that I know you must feel... And it's selfish of me, but I'm glad for it. I'm glad that he will have this. Remembrance is a painful and heavy thing, but it is what we owe to those who leave us.
[Buzen, Rin. Everyone whose spilled blood paves the way to victory.]
no subject
there is a somber gravity to his feelings, but he nods. it's better to remember. as someone who's tried to forget in the past, and came to regret it—he resolves now to keep these memories close. if they win, it's all that will survive of these people.
it makes each moment that much heavier. ]
It's not selfish. You want others to remember the person you cared about was real. And how invaluable they were. It's... [ love? ] your wish.
[ he literally just went through this with rin. it's not wrong to have a wish. and even if it is selfish, he doesn't care. this does start to square up another emotion in him though, one more tentative: trepidation. the acute feeling of being the one left behind. ]
...Matsui-san. Can I ask—what will you do now?
no subject
"It's not selfish", Haru says, and Matsui doesn't even wish that he could believe him because he's a fuckin self-flagellative maniac. But at the very least, he can appreciate the intention behind the words being said. It is his wish. It is his love, however cruel it may be.
The question has his emotions shifting again, leaning back to the state of sheer misery he'd been in before Haru had arrived. It's an agonizing decision that they've placed in his hands, though he doesn't hold even the slightest scrap of ill will toward a single one of them.]
...I... [The words turn over in his head, in his heart. He folds his hands together tightly.] ...I wish to follow him.
[More than anything, he wants to follow Buzen. He was literally born into this world in the throes of pain, asking why he had been made, and so very little that he's experienced in his short time as a human has shown him that anything in life is worth sticking around for.
His heart hurts so badly, but...]
If our world is at risk, then I can't. [And that kills him just the same. It's an exquisite, excruciating agony that sears him to the bone. Quieter:] If we lost it all because of my selfishness, I would never be able to face him again.
no subject
...Just wanting something isn't selfish. What you want makes up who you are. It's not wrong. I don't care if you're a spirit or a human, that's true of anything with feelings. Some of you are really stupid about this.
[ what's selfish is that he hears this, and he wants matsui to stay. he can feel the misery, the entire breadth of his longing, this massive, agonizing grief in wanting to reunite, one that he can empathize with, and even so—it scares him to think that matsui was so near to leaving.
and then rang would've died. and then he'd still just be here, with these memories he promised to keep that he'd likely grow to resent.
...even so, it's obviously miserable for matsui to hang on like this, and that makes him sympathize, too, guilty for putting him in this predicament. once again, feelings are just a conflicting terrible nightmare. he looks at matsui, his brows drawing in faintly. ]
If you're alive, you can bring him back. [ even if he has child murder trauma, there are not-children here. ] But, I—...hope you can see him. One way or another.
[ he's not so unkind that he'd say the rest: but please, don't die. ]
no subject
His body feels like a creaking cavern. It feels like it takes ten people's worth of effort to push himself upright, but he does - slow, sure, steady. He rises from his pathetic curl on the pew, and shifts where he's sitting so that he can face Haru in his own little pathetic curl more properly.
In the same way that he had done on that day that Haru was floating in the pool, he holds a hand out toward him. A quiet invitation.]
...Thank you. I wish the same for you.
[Haru's loss was also vast, but he's endured longer than Matsui would have been able to if he hadn't been forcibly stapled to life. There's something admirable in that. There's something tragic in that.
He doesn't go into the fact that they had never intended on winning, he and Buzen. Not against so many young lives.]
The words you say... I don't know if I can agree with them. [About just wanting something not being selfish, when he feels so selfish any time he wants for anything at all.] But you speak from a gentle place. I am honored to have been able to see it.
[To have been able to get to know Haru at all, with all his complex, conflicting emotions, his oceans in all their grief and storm. He has no intention of leaving now that he's made the horrific decision to bear this weight as well, but he's still feeling morose and mournful, so he speaks like they're going to part anyway.]