SWEET BECKS IS ASLEEP BUT I ASSUME SHU IS HERE AND JUST SILENTLY LISTENING FOR NOW we can retcon Shu's reactions later,,, Nahida is almost certainly here too I'm sure I'm guessing Britt will jump in. Maybe. Or maybe it's just Kaveh getting T-posed at by a frog, a 12-year-old, and a dolphin.
EITHER WAY, Kaveh will indeed show up!! HE IS STILL EXHAUSTED AND HUNGOVER??? WE JUST WATCHED A SNAKE MAN GET VORED LIKE 8 HOURS AGO. WHY IS THIS THE WORST BIRTHDAY TO EVER HAVE
But at least he's not, like, nyooming at them in a rage, so probably he isn't going to. Idk. Healing aura them to death on a Sunday? Who knows. His expression is very tightly controlled, though, and he crosses his arms almost soon as he arrives, curling his fingers into the fabric of his shirt. His gaze flicks to each of them in turn, as if, even now, he's trying not to make them feel pressured.]
[the longer he takes the more convinced she is that he's mad, so by the time he gets there she's sort of shrinking back between gerard and haru, hiding under her cape.
but she'll speak up when he speaks first.]
Kaveh, um. You don't really have to promise not to be mad. But if we tell you about this, and you tell anyone else, then...we'll probably die.
If you don't think you can be okay with not telling anyone, then we can not tell you, and we can agree to not be an alliance anymore. And you can be mad. Just please don't get us erased, or it will all be for nothing.
[ he’s watching this all very carefully - and is stepping to least beside Ylfa. It’s not that he thinks Kaveh, Nahida and Shu are a danger or anything, but just. He wants to be there too. A little protective. ]
Even if you don’t want to hear about that, I’m more than happy to share what I’ve spoken with the Reapers about. It might help, or it might not.
[ haru stays put when ylfa turns herself extra small, his expression very still, like it's a very deliberate effort to be calm. he doesn't have anything to add right now. ]
But--no, he doesn't look mad. If anything, his expression shifts into something just a little heartbroken at the clear wariness and fear they're showing, even though he does, of course, logically understand where it's coming from.
He has a feeling he already knows how this is going to go, if this is the way they're reacting. Rather--he has since Ylfa's first message. It was too late to walk away the moment the idea entered his head, and he can't leave without confirming one way or the other. No decent scholar walks away just because they don't like what they see.
And besides, his own failures aren't their fault.]
I want to know. All of it. [...] It's up to Nahida and Shu, what they want to do. But I don't want to get you erased.
[But he'll let Nahida and Shu say their pieces, if they have any, because Kaveh knows he's too emotional for things like this. If there are any stipulations here, any conditions to this conversation, he won't be the one to say them.]
[nahida has had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach since she started reading over some of the messages. maybe she just hadn't wanted to believe it - maybe that was why she hadn't addressed some of it.
(she didn't want to jump to conclusions. something about this week has left her severely questioning her own judgment, her own logic, and her own reasoning - so she hadn't pressed the matter.)
but now, there's not really anything to question. there are answers, if ylfa, gerard, and haru will give them - and in her heart, she does believe that they will.
...she's holding onto kaveh's and shu's hands, though, if they'll let her.]
I want to know, too. Just having heard what I have already... so many questions are buzzing in my mind. It's like a noise that I can't block out. [...] I can't promise about how I'll react. But I can promise that I don't want to see you erased. You're... you're my friends.
shu initially follows up behind the two of them — walking at a more sedate pace. he doesn’t looked stressed, or nervous, anything like that. he just looks calm. it’s not emotions week after all, so who knows how he’s feeling inside.
he’ll let nahida grip his hand, once he catches up with the others. but he does glance to one side at kaveh and nahida before he looks back at ylfa, gerard and haru. ]
[she takes a deep breath as they gather, obviously kind of nervous, but eventually she'll just blurt out - ]
I didn't cut her head off to be a freak! My ax slipped out of my hands and went into a tornado! [a situation that could happen to anybody.] And I only put her in Selfie World because I thought she'd want to be remembered looking beautiful, but I couldn't get her head back on so it came across differently than I intended.
I'm sorry for doing something so horrible like a serial killer would. I promise I didn't take a photo with her dead body to keep as a trophy or anything, I promise! I picked her because she told me every week that the longer I waited, the harder it might be to catch up, and she was the only one smart enough to realize that. But I never wanted to make fun of her or desecrate her. I'm really, really sorry for being so gross!
[ he, uh, swallows hard before he starts because this one is probably going to be a lot worse, but they’d said they’d want to know (and had promised to never ever be mad). ]
I killed Shenhe.
[ he at least speaks steadily enough, even if he’s awkwardly moving his hands around like he’s not sure what to do with them. ]
There was a lot of reasons. I’m sure just as many of them as excuses as much as they are actual logic, but I think it’s only fair to say why. We … have to get back. Alive. It is not a question of maybe. If we don’t, then our world and probably every other world is going to be destroyed. Maybe even yours too. So we … always had to act. Hoping it would work— No one is coming to save us. I don’t know if there’s another way. Everything I’ve asked, everything you’ve asked, they know isn’t possible.
That said, I … knew Ylfa had the idea she had to do this. And I think I was afraid of making the decision for myself, but I couldn’t sit by and let her - make her do that for us. [ HE DOES CLOSE BOTH EYES FOR A SECOND. ] I really did think I’d beaten her to the punch, neither of us knew the other’s plans. But it made sense. If we had to win, get enough points, then I could be the one to do that. Because you, um, get more points. If you don’t wait for the text message to tell you to do it. If I was caught, I don’t think people would hurt Haru and Ylfa. I’m … expendable. So it made sense.
Shenhe and I. We spoke, before I did anything. I didn’t— She was my friend. I didn’t want to stab her in the back, and I wanted it to be as fair a fight as we could manage. So I didn’t know if I would be coming back. So I think she understood. I hope she did. She wanted the same things, and she was planning to kill for her team as well. She was from the same world as multiple people, so I wouldn’t be destroying her - well, your - world. That’s the last thing I want. So it felt … I don’t know. Even. She was playing the same game as us, understood the stakes.
We want to win, and we want to bring back as many as we can. I don’t know that everyone will be possible. I’ve been asking questions, trying to come up with solutions, and maybe there are some, but I think we’re just. Too late to bring everyone back to life. I promise we are going to bring back anyone who we’ve hurt.
[ for the most part, he listens to his team explain while trying to maintain a poker face, but by the time gerard says that's he expendable(!!), his expression cracks a little and he's feeling Some Kinda Way (the way is Insanely Bad). he just opens and closes his hands from slack to a tight fist here and again, not sure what to do with them otherwise. ]
...We panicked. None of us realized how badly it would go with Simon. We should've known that it would. We didn't really think it through. And then Hot Mess had four people, so we—that wasn't planned. We just panicked.
I know it doesn't make it better. It's not an excuse. But you should know everything that happened. Sorry.
Anyway--if Nahida reached for his hand, Kaveh would've allowed her to have it; but now he pulls it away to cross his arms tightly and turn away, moving away to pace back and forth as he gets his thoughts and emotions together. This is my way of saying I'm not out of bed yet so just give him a minute]
[it's not emotionshare week, but the hurt on nahida's face is obvious when kaveh pulls his hand away. she tries to school her expression, though, and her grip on shu's hand will tighten, unless he also pulls it away. wow. what a confession.
it makes sense.
it makes plenty of logical sense, and she knows that.
ylfa, gerard, and haru are not cruel people. she knows that, too.
[listen we didn't coordinate we didn't coordinate. she watches them react, but she can tell it's shenhe especially that's devastating them, so in a small voice she'll say - ]
I loved Shenhe, too. She was always so kind to me. She was the only person here who really understood me sometimes, I think.
[she swallows hard.]
But it's like I told you, Nahida. Gerard made a decision. Sometimes the only choices you have are to do something ugly or die. And I think, in that situation, Gerard did the least ugly thing he could have. Both of us only wanted to target people who also believed that surviving here would mean playing by ugly rules, we wanted to respect the people who didn't believe in them. And Shenhe...Shenhe and I...we'd already made plans together.
[Okay now that I have coffee--I mean, now that Kaveh has his feelings under control... kind of...
He drags in a shuddering breath and turns back to them.]
The week that Rin was killed, I said things to Buzen that I may not ever get the chance to take back. [He says, finally.] I don't want to make that mistake again. I--[He falters, gripping his arms a little more tightly.]--I understand your logic, and I know you want to get home. And... what happened with Hot Mess wasn't entirely your fault.
[Sometimes your guilt complex is too strong, even in the face of murder confessions.
He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to think past the weight in his chest. Because there's a but--how could there not be a "but," in a situation like this? If not for what happened with Buzen and his team, there's a high chance Kaveh would be falling apart right now. The only reason he isn't is because he has, through so much of his life, learned to be resilient.
But she was our friend. He knew there would be a point when that would no longer be enough. But how can you believe your world is worth more than anyone else's? But no, that's... too personal, too reflective of his own self-view. But you didn't tell us, and couldn't you trust us enough for that? Are we so unreliable? But isn't it logical, why they didn't? And even if they'd wanted to, Buzen had pointed it out: there's no telling what the consequences could've been.]
...Were you ever going to tell us on your own? [He settles on, finally.]
I... I know. [sometimes you have no choice but to act, even when what you have to do is not something you want to do. nahida understands that at her core - although, she can't quite pick out why that is.
it feels familiar in a way that makes her heart ache with loss, but putting a name to it is...]
We talked about how we both thought we'd have to do something, but we didn't know if our teams would be okay with it. So we'd agreed to cover for each other if it happened.
It's not all logic. I wouldn't even say it's right. But I thought it would be more cruel to pretend I didn't know and not tell you than to tell you the truth.
[ and sort of mumbled: `And Veritas is already going to be angry with me, so I couldn't have another verse about lying to friends added to the song that I'm going to be blasted with when this is all over.` ]
It wasn't a weird summoning ritual! I'm also not a serial killer trying to bring her back from the dead! Or. I guess I am trying to bring her back from the dead. But not with the semi-circle! I, um. Was trying to fake psychs that a lot of other teams had. Drift Aura can make a shield of nearby objects ... ?
Logic and right aren't always one and the same. If you kill, you can never forget that you've made the decision to end a life with your own hands. And you carry that with you forever.
[ he does just look at gerard for a moment that. and then-- ]
I have no idea how you'd fake drift aura use, actually. It's teleportation and speed. [ ... ] Which is going to be annoying going forward if someone does use it.
[she takes a deep breath. she's upset, because of course she is. anyone would be. but she can see that gerard, ylfa, and haru are also upset.]
I can... I can understand your intentions. [trying to emulate a psych that lots of people have - it's smart, in that it widens the pool of suspects. strategically, it was a good choice.
and it does help to know gerard talked to shenhe, first.]
I'm glad you told us. Knowing the truth is important to me. I just... [her voice trails off.] ...I'm trying. I promise I am, Gerard.
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SWEET BECKS IS ASLEEP BUT I ASSUME SHU IS HERE AND JUST SILENTLY LISTENING FOR NOW we can retcon Shu's reactions later,,, Nahida is almost certainly here too I'm sure I'm guessing Britt will jump in. Maybe. Or maybe it's just Kaveh getting T-posed at by a frog, a 12-year-old, and a dolphin.
EITHER WAY, Kaveh will indeed show up!! HE IS STILL EXHAUSTED AND HUNGOVER??? WE JUST WATCHED A SNAKE MAN GET VORED LIKE 8 HOURS AGO. WHY IS THIS THE WORST BIRTHDAY TO EVER HAVE
But at least he's not, like, nyooming at them in a rage, so probably he isn't going to. Idk. Healing aura them to death on a Sunday? Who knows. His expression is very tightly controlled, though, and he crosses his arms almost soon as he arrives, curling his fingers into the fabric of his shirt. His gaze flicks to each of them in turn, as if, even now, he's trying not to make them feel pressured.]
Go ahead.
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but she'll speak up when he speaks first.]
Kaveh, um. You don't really have to promise not to be mad. But if we tell you about this, and you tell anyone else, then...we'll probably die.
If you don't think you can be okay with not telling anyone, then we can not tell you, and we can agree to not be an alliance anymore. And you can be mad. Just please don't get us erased, or it will all be for nothing.
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Even if you don’t want to hear about that, I’m more than happy to share what I’ve spoken with the Reapers about. It might help, or it might not.
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But--no, he doesn't look mad. If anything, his expression shifts into something just a little heartbroken at the clear wariness and fear they're showing, even though he does, of course, logically understand where it's coming from.
He has a feeling he already knows how this is going to go, if this is the way they're reacting. Rather--he has since Ylfa's first message. It was too late to walk away the moment the idea entered his head, and he can't leave without confirming one way or the other. No decent scholar walks away just because they don't like what they see.
And besides, his own failures aren't their fault.]
I want to know. All of it. [...] It's up to Nahida and Shu, what they want to do. But I don't want to get you erased.
[But he'll let Nahida and Shu say their pieces, if they have any, because Kaveh knows he's too emotional for things like this. If there are any stipulations here, any conditions to this conversation, he won't be the one to say them.]
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(she didn't want to jump to conclusions. something about this week has left her severely questioning her own judgment, her own logic, and her own reasoning - so she hadn't pressed the matter.)
but now, there's not really anything to question. there are answers, if ylfa, gerard, and haru will give them - and in her heart, she does believe that they will.
...she's holding onto kaveh's and shu's hands, though, if they'll let her.]
I want to know, too. Just having heard what I have already... so many questions are buzzing in my mind. It's like a noise that I can't block out. [...] I can't promise about how I'll react. But I can promise that I don't want to see you erased. You're... you're my friends.
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anyway.
shu initially follows up behind the two of them — walking at a more sedate pace. he doesn’t looked stressed, or nervous, anything like that. he just looks calm. it’s not emotions week after all, so who knows how he’s feeling inside.
he’ll let nahida grip his hand, once he catches up with the others. but he does glance to one side at kaveh and nahida before he looks back at ylfa, gerard and haru. ]
Better to just get it out there.
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I didn't cut her head off to be a freak! My ax slipped out of my hands and went into a tornado! [a situation that could happen to anybody.] And I only put her in Selfie World because I thought she'd want to be remembered looking beautiful, but I couldn't get her head back on so it came across differently than I intended.
I'm sorry for doing something so horrible like a serial killer would. I promise I didn't take a photo with her dead body to keep as a trophy or anything, I promise! I picked her because she told me every week that the longer I waited, the harder it might be to catch up, and she was the only one smart enough to realize that. But I never wanted to make fun of her or desecrate her. I'm really, really sorry for being so gross!
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I killed Shenhe.
[ he at least speaks steadily enough, even if he’s awkwardly moving his hands around like he’s not sure what to do with them. ]
There was a lot of reasons. I’m sure just as many of them as excuses as much as they are actual logic, but I think it’s only fair to say why. We … have to get back. Alive. It is not a question of maybe. If we don’t, then our world and probably every other world is going to be destroyed. Maybe even yours too. So we … always had to act. Hoping it would work— No one is coming to save us. I don’t know if there’s another way. Everything I’ve asked, everything you’ve asked, they know isn’t possible.
That said, I … knew Ylfa had the idea she had to do this. And I think I was afraid of making the decision for myself, but I couldn’t sit by and let her - make her do that for us. [ HE DOES CLOSE BOTH EYES FOR A SECOND. ] I really did think I’d beaten her to the punch, neither of us knew the other’s plans. But it made sense. If we had to win, get enough points, then I could be the one to do that. Because you, um, get more points. If you don’t wait for the text message to tell you to do it. If I was caught, I don’t think people would hurt Haru and Ylfa. I’m … expendable. So it made sense.
Shenhe and I. We spoke, before I did anything. I didn’t— She was my friend. I didn’t want to stab her in the back, and I wanted it to be as fair a fight as we could manage. So I didn’t know if I would be coming back. So I think she understood. I hope she did. She wanted the same things, and she was planning to kill for her team as well. She was from the same world as multiple people, so I wouldn’t be destroying her - well, your - world. That’s the last thing I want. So it felt … I don’t know. Even. She was playing the same game as us, understood the stakes.
We want to win, and we want to bring back as many as we can. I don’t know that everyone will be possible. I’ve been asking questions, trying to come up with solutions, and maybe there are some, but I think we’re just. Too late to bring everyone back to life. I promise we are going to bring back anyone who we’ve hurt.
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...We panicked. None of us realized how badly it would go with Simon. We should've known that it would. We didn't really think it through. And then Hot Mess had four people, so we—that wasn't planned. We just panicked.
I know it doesn't make it better. It's not an excuse. But you should know everything that happened. Sorry.
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Anyway--if Nahida reached for his hand, Kaveh would've allowed her to have it; but now he pulls it away to cross his arms tightly and turn away, moving away to pace back and forth as he gets his thoughts and emotions together. This is my way of saying I'm not out of bed yet so just give him a minute]
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it makes sense.
it makes plenty of logical sense, and she knows that.
ylfa, gerard, and haru are not cruel people. she knows that, too.
but it feels like her heart is being crushed.]
I... I can appreciate that you told us.
[she also needs a minute, though.]
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shu stays where he is, holding nahida's hand if she's still clinging to him. he just glances around at the other team as a whole before nodding. ]
Logic's never exactly kind, but you're not wrong. We all want to win.
[ ... ]
What was with the semi-circle though?
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I loved Shenhe, too. She was always so kind to me. She was the only person here who really understood me sometimes, I think.
[she swallows hard.]
But it's like I told you, Nahida. Gerard made a decision. Sometimes the only choices you have are to do something ugly or die. And I think, in that situation, Gerard did the least ugly thing he could have. Both of us only wanted to target people who also believed that surviving here would mean playing by ugly rules, we wanted to respect the people who didn't believe in them. And Shenhe...Shenhe and I...we'd already made plans together.
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It's alright, Ylfa.
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He drags in a shuddering breath and turns back to them.]
The week that Rin was killed, I said things to Buzen that I may not ever get the chance to take back. [He says, finally.] I don't want to make that mistake again. I--[He falters, gripping his arms a little more tightly.]--I understand your logic, and I know you want to get home. And... what happened with Hot Mess wasn't entirely your fault.
[Sometimes your guilt complex is too strong, even in the face of murder confessions.
He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to think past the weight in his chest. Because there's a but--how could there not be a "but," in a situation like this? If not for what happened with Buzen and his team, there's a high chance Kaveh would be falling apart right now. The only reason he isn't is because he has, through so much of his life, learned to be resilient.
But she was our friend. He knew there would be a point when that would no longer be enough. But how can you believe your world is worth more than anyone else's? But no, that's... too personal, too reflective of his own self-view. But you didn't tell us, and couldn't you trust us enough for that? Are we so unreliable? But isn't it logical, why they didn't? And even if they'd wanted to, Buzen had pointed it out: there's no telling what the consequences could've been.]
...Were you ever going to tell us on your own? [He settles on, finally.]
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Have you ended a life before?
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...Yeah. That's why I was going to do it. I didn't want Haru or Gerard to have to deal with that.
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I... I know. [sometimes you have no choice but to act, even when what you have to do is not something you want to do. nahida understands that at her core - although, she can't quite pick out why that is.
it feels familiar in a way that makes her heart ache with loss, but putting a name to it is...]
...you'd made... plans together?
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[ and sort of mumbled: `And Veritas is already going to be angry with me, so I couldn't have another verse about lying to friends added to the song that I'm going to be blasted with when this is all over.` ]
It wasn't a weird summoning ritual! I'm also not a serial killer trying to bring her back from the dead! Or. I guess I am trying to bring her back from the dead. But not with the semi-circle! I, um. Was trying to fake psychs that a lot of other teams had. Drift Aura can make a shield of nearby objects ... ?
[ this wasn't his best attempt. ]
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[ he does just look at gerard for a moment that. and then-- ]
I have no idea how you'd fake drift aura use, actually. It's teleportation and speed. [ ... ] Which is going to be annoying going forward if someone does use it.
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See what I mean?
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[she takes a deep breath. she's upset, because of course she is. anyone would be. but she can see that gerard, ylfa, and haru are also upset.]
I can... I can understand your intentions. [trying to emulate a psych that lots of people have - it's smart, in that it widens the pool of suspects. strategically, it was a good choice.
and it does help to know gerard talked to shenhe, first.]
I'm glad you told us. Knowing the truth is important to me. I just... [her voice trails off.] ...I'm trying. I promise I am, Gerard.
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