[Okay now that I have coffee--I mean, now that Kaveh has his feelings under control... kind of...
He drags in a shuddering breath and turns back to them.]
The week that Rin was killed, I said things to Buzen that I may not ever get the chance to take back. [He says, finally.] I don't want to make that mistake again. I--[He falters, gripping his arms a little more tightly.]--I understand your logic, and I know you want to get home. And... what happened with Hot Mess wasn't entirely your fault.
[Sometimes your guilt complex is too strong, even in the face of murder confessions.
He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to think past the weight in his chest. Because there's a but--how could there not be a "but," in a situation like this? If not for what happened with Buzen and his team, there's a high chance Kaveh would be falling apart right now. The only reason he isn't is because he has, through so much of his life, learned to be resilient.
But she was our friend. He knew there would be a point when that would no longer be enough. But how can you believe your world is worth more than anyone else's? But no, that's... too personal, too reflective of his own self-view. But you didn't tell us, and couldn't you trust us enough for that? Are we so unreliable? But isn't it logical, why they didn't? And even if they'd wanted to, Buzen had pointed it out: there's no telling what the consequences could've been.]
...Were you ever going to tell us on your own? [He settles on, finally.]
[she'll let gerard answer most of this but the one thing she'll say is - ]
When we made this alliance, we agreed it wouldn't have to involve covering up murders for each other. I know you thought I was joking, but I wasn't. I already knew I was making a decision Haru and Gerard might hate. I didn't want to force you to deal with the consequences of my decision, too.
No, I... [He pauses, takes a moment, tries to pull his thoughts back together.] I understand why you didn't tell us before you did it. Though I wish you had.
[Kaveh is better at lying than you might expect, given what this game has done to him--but he knows it probably wouldn't extend to something like this. He can already see how it would've gone: he would've tried to talk them out of it, probably, and then failed to keep his composure at a critical moment. Even now, he's not sure how he'll be able to look Vash, Wolfwood, and Nahri in the eyes.]
But I think you should have told us afterward. After the trial. You and Gerard--if this fails, Lambda and Yang Guifei's world is gone. And what if another team does something like you've done, next? What if they choose me and Nahida of their own volition, thinking that as long as one of us is still around, our world will be safe?
[He shakes his head.]
I meant it when I said I didn't want you to be erased. I care about you very much, and if I had to choose any team to entrust with our fates, it would be yours. I--[...] I would have preferred to tell you that myself, rather than having my hand forced.
[Because now it's them or it's nothing. Unless another team throws everything they have into following this same solution, it has to be this team. And Kaveh has had so many choices taken from him over the past few weeks; it grates, having this one taken too.]
I guess I didn't think you would want to be where we are. Having to look Monika and Nahri and Eiden and Simon in the eyes from now on, knowing how much pain we're keeping from them. You're so kind. That's why I liked you from the start, because you wanted to be kind to everybody.
[but she understands what he's saying; it's not a satisfying answer. of course they feel betrayed.]
We didn't plan to be in this situation. We didn't know it was possible at all. We made a decision to live, and honestly, the decision we made, based on the information we had at the time, might have meant that your team would lose.
[which was awful, and part of why she kept insisting the idea that everyone's world might get erased was probably untrue, because she doesn't want to think about having any part in that. but it's not like failing to do anything would have meant no worlds got erased.]
All I can say is...I didn't know how to fight for everyone's world and everyone's team, back then. I only knew how to fight for my own. My home and my friends, for Rin. [it honestly makes her clench her fists a little, sort of desperate] If another team made the decision we did, I wouldn't hate them, either. I'd know they were also fighting for things just as important to them.
[a deep breath.] But it's not that other people weren't fighting. It's just that, it's hard, when you've never had to wake up and realize that there might not be a happy ending and there might not be someone coming to save you, to start thinking that way.
Now I know we might be able to try for our world and everyone else's, I - I'll carry it for everyone if I have to, so they never have to start thinking this way. They can just be mad at us, if they want, but also get the happy ending they deserved. [this is a very dramatique sentiment but she is 12.]
[It's fine, Kaveh is basically a disney princess which is ultimately the same thing is a dramatic storybook 12-year-old.]
I don't hate you.
[First and foremost--because he can't stand the idea of letting them, of letting her, walk away thinking that he does. He won't ever forgive himself for not clearing the air with Buzen properly, and he won't do that again.]
I meant it when I said I understood. And Shenhe... [He closes his eyes for a moment.] I know Shenhe likely would have acted, sooner or later. I'd asked her to tell me, if she felt like she was getting to that point.
[Whether she actually would have or not is a total mystery, of course. He knows she probably thought him too fragile to handle the reality of their situation. He can't speak for Lambda or her team one way or the other, so he leaves that aside.]
I just wish you'd trusted us a little more. Especially afterward. [And before, if he's totally honest--but that's a selfish, personal wound, and he's trying very, very hard to channel logic.]
Even if our worlds weren't at stake, I can't hold a desire to survive against you. [He can't approve of Shenhe's death, can't promise to forgive them or be happy about this, but he's been telling himself this since the beginning anyway. If he doesn't stand by his words now that push has come to shove, what does that make him?] But we have to be able to trust you. And we can't do that if we're questioning whether you're being truthful, or whether you're holding things back from us.
[There's nothing they can do about this now. Kaveh isn't a vengeful person to begin with, but even if he had been, outing them would accomplish nothing. And he does trust that they have good intentions. He has to trust that, or he'll never be able to face Shenhe's team ever again. So he does his best to focus on the now, on the later, rather than what's already come to pass.]
I'm not saying you need to tell us everything you plan on doing. I'm not sure you could anyway--I know Buzen was worried about the consequences. [Whatever the fuck those are.] But we can't just tell you everything we learn and let you do what you will with it, without any input on our end. That can't be how this works.
That's fair. You're right - I think at the end of the day, we're going to have to make some decisions as a team. But that means you shouldn't have to tell us things when you know it might lead to things you won't agree with...
I can't promise we'll tell you everything, and I don't expect you to tell us everything, but we decided to tell you this now. We knew it was dangerous, but we didn't want you to be wondering who was in the lead when we could change that.
[ its really not that he believes his world has more worth. it's that if its erased, every other world is going with it. its the kill switch. the end of all stories, the death of the author. oblivion. ]
When I acted last week, I told no one. Not even Ylfa or Haru. And I think that was a mistake. The only reason-- Well. The only reason we've caught others is they either couldn't or didn't want to trust their own team. Buzen and Matsui couldn't live with it, and Sweet Theory buckled when pressed. So maybe we should have told you, but we didn't want to force you to accept it or to cover for us.
I think we did our best to tell you now. But you're right. I'm sorry for keeping it from you even this long.
[If he's fully honest, Kaveh--well, it's not that he doesn't care about Sweet Theory at all, but. In his mind, they're still responsible for the erasure of BDSM team. He doesn't like thinking about them--his mind skitters around the idea of their team, as though the words themselves have sharp edges.
...]
Do you have numbers?
[How many points they have, how many they'll need.]
No, they couldn't say exactly. But I spoke to Aika about it. I was trying to figure out a way-- She said that we've probably waited too long. That it was expensive already just to bring our team back, and that getting all 40 people home is ... we should prepare ourselves for the possibility.
I spoke to them though, about some other options. There are people - apparently quite a few - who have no desire to go home, or return to life. There might be a way to convince the people in charge that they could be, I don't know. Reapers themselves. It's not ideal. And it might not work. It's normally a choice given to the winners, but-- it's an idea. There might be other ideas.
[He nods slowly, taking that in. It's easier this way, a little--he's always been good with numbers. Focusing on that, on the structure, the framework--it gives him a minute to breathe.]
[He frowns, looking quietly devastated before he pushes it back, trying to focus.]
And we can't do extra tasks on request, can we?
[Because at this point, it really is just--their team or nothing, it seems. And if that's the case, then they need to do whatever they can to get them as many points as possible.]
I don't know, but killing people is a lot more points than any of the tasks. Aika told me that bringing one person back, bringing back Rin, wouldn't be possible without killing at least one person.
[ it's hard to see kaveh hurting. it was hard at execution, too. he knows people are suffering and it's their fault. all they can offer right now is the truth. ]
Ylfa and Gerard didn't work together. Or with me. ...You're the only people we've told at all. But you deserve the truth. And we trust you with it.
You don't have to try and make it sound like it's anyone else's fault. [ it's certainly not kaveh's??? ]
[TRULY THE IDEA OF HARU STANDING THERE IN THE WAREHOUSE LIKE (standing_horse_emoji) IS KILLING ME]
You weren't the only ones who voted incorrectly. [Regardless of anything else, Kaveh won't put that on them. He's the one who fucked up, for completely different reasons than any of this.] ...But we need to trust each other more, moving forward. That's the only way this is going to work.
[He doesn't necessarily expect them to come running over with their murder plans all the time--that would be ridiculous. But he's not entirely convinced they would've said anything, had the conversation not veered in this particular way. And that sits too uncomfortably in his chest to leave unaddressed.]
[ this is fine. quietly, trying not to sound too sad about it, ]
Okay.
[ he can see why that's the case. they're an alliance, and they need to give reasons to maintain that trust. ]
We can't say much because of the rules. It's not safe to tell you until after trial. All I can say is we'll probably do it again. Maybe soon, but... I don't know. Either way, we don't expect you to cover for us.
[Well, listen--it's different when it's Haru, who was one of the first people to suffer such a terrible loss. Kaveh is incapable of not putting other people before himself, so he finally uncurls, reaching out to put a hand on Haru's arm.]
Haru--I do understand. I know you all didn't ask to be here any more than the rest of us. You're not doing this out of cruelty.
[He wishes he'd been able to say that to Buzen and the others, too. Even if he manages to speak to them again someday, to apologize, he'll never be able to undo it.
He doesn't say anything about forgiveness, though, because... well. That's not for him to decide anyway, he thinks.]
[ maybe he should be a little more selfish, considering who he's talking to ]
Other people think differently. They think we're selfish and cruel. You saw it. But I'm going to stand by my team, no matter what they think.
[ despite insecurity week, he is firm on that. he's not an innocent bystander. he accepts that people are angry, and they can't ask forgiveness, but they can do whatever they can to help everyone, too. ]
We've asked and looked for other ways. Ruby told me that there's nothing we can do alone. From what she said, I think maybe there's people who can help us. But even then, we can't just hope and wait for them. We have to try to save everyone that we can, in the way that we can. Even if it's hard. Even if everyone here, no matter how we try to avoid it, has someone who loves them. [ like they love shenhe. like everyone loved buzen and matsui, and began to accept rang. like eiden loved yakumo. like he loved rin. it would be worse, he thinks, if he didn't acknowledge that. ]
I'm still sorry. It's okay to be mad. [ even if he promised forever that he wouldn't be ]
[Maybe he'd be more selfish but you ruined his birthday and now he's insecure about having been born :( ]
Of course they're going to be mad, Haru. From the outside, it looks horrifically cruel. [LAMBDA IS IN PIECES. SHENHE WAS CRISPY.] And Nahida's right--it's not for us to accept your apology. That's between Shenhe and Gerard.
...I do think that you should find some way to communicate with Shenhe's team. You don't have to confess to them, but they deserve something. [Even if it's just a vague, anonymous promise that someone, somewhere, will do what they can to bring her back. Lambda's team probably deserves that too, but he doesn't want to seem like he's guilting them into anything.] But that's for you all to decide.
[He does believe, despite how hard he's trying, that they have to shoulder the consequences of the choices they made. Regardless of how sound their logic was, how good their intentions--he won't take that responsibility off their shoulders. People were hurt, and it may have even been for nothing. That's something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives, even if they all make it out of here by some miracle.]
Do you have any idea who Ruby might've been talking about?
he just nods and accepts all that. it does look cruel. even if a tornado of axes is something that could happen to anybody?
but no, even if they didn't mean to be, what they did was still terrible and mean, and he accepts that. the hurt people suffered was real, and he has too much empathy not to believe that. that guilt doesn't like, stop what they have to do—but everyone is free to think of them as they will. they deserve to be upset.
he looks more uncertain about how to approach team A, but... that's something they can talk about later. ]
I don't. She wouldn't elaborate.
[ he sighs. ]
Maybe we'll learn more this Thursday. It's hard when we don't know who we could be looking for.
[she would feel kind of bad for being a simon anti except she has found out (or will find out? what is timing with pcs) something else that's going to make her a simon anti again. so.]
...thank you. For telling us. It's hard to hear, but it's... it's better that we did hear it.
...I'm sorry, too. [about shenhe.] I wish there had been a better option.
But I do understand why that choice was made, and... I think she understood, too. It's not my place to accept any apologies on her behalf though...
[she nods at that last bit - answers are important. she wants them badly.
but it's hard to think straight when she's insecure about how productive the questions she would ask would be and also when i'm stuck at work and can't tag quickly enough to ask aaaaaaaaa]
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It's alright, Ylfa.
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He drags in a shuddering breath and turns back to them.]
The week that Rin was killed, I said things to Buzen that I may not ever get the chance to take back. [He says, finally.] I don't want to make that mistake again. I--[He falters, gripping his arms a little more tightly.]--I understand your logic, and I know you want to get home. And... what happened with Hot Mess wasn't entirely your fault.
[Sometimes your guilt complex is too strong, even in the face of murder confessions.
He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to think past the weight in his chest. Because there's a but--how could there not be a "but," in a situation like this? If not for what happened with Buzen and his team, there's a high chance Kaveh would be falling apart right now. The only reason he isn't is because he has, through so much of his life, learned to be resilient.
But she was our friend. He knew there would be a point when that would no longer be enough. But how can you believe your world is worth more than anyone else's? But no, that's... too personal, too reflective of his own self-view. But you didn't tell us, and couldn't you trust us enough for that? Are we so unreliable? But isn't it logical, why they didn't? And even if they'd wanted to, Buzen had pointed it out: there's no telling what the consequences could've been.]
...Were you ever going to tell us on your own? [He settles on, finally.]
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When we made this alliance, we agreed it wouldn't have to involve covering up murders for each other. I know you thought I was joking, but I wasn't. I already knew I was making a decision Haru and Gerard might hate. I didn't want to force you to deal with the consequences of my decision, too.
But here we are...
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[Kaveh is better at lying than you might expect, given what this game has done to him--but he knows it probably wouldn't extend to something like this. He can already see how it would've gone: he would've tried to talk them out of it, probably, and then failed to keep his composure at a critical moment. Even now, he's not sure how he'll be able to look Vash, Wolfwood, and Nahri in the eyes.]
But I think you should have told us afterward. After the trial. You and Gerard--if this fails, Lambda and Yang Guifei's world is gone. And what if another team does something like you've done, next? What if they choose me and Nahida of their own volition, thinking that as long as one of us is still around, our world will be safe?
[He shakes his head.]
I meant it when I said I didn't want you to be erased. I care about you very much, and if I had to choose any team to entrust with our fates, it would be yours. I--[...] I would have preferred to tell you that myself, rather than having my hand forced.
[Because now it's them or it's nothing. Unless another team throws everything they have into following this same solution, it has to be this team. And Kaveh has had so many choices taken from him over the past few weeks; it grates, having this one taken too.]
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[but she understands what he's saying; it's not a satisfying answer. of course they feel betrayed.]
We didn't plan to be in this situation. We didn't know it was possible at all. We made a decision to live, and honestly, the decision we made, based on the information we had at the time, might have meant that your team would lose.
[which was awful, and part of why she kept insisting the idea that everyone's world might get erased was probably untrue, because she doesn't want to think about having any part in that. but it's not like failing to do anything would have meant no worlds got erased.]
All I can say is...I didn't know how to fight for everyone's world and everyone's team, back then. I only knew how to fight for my own. My home and my friends, for Rin. [it honestly makes her clench her fists a little, sort of desperate] If another team made the decision we did, I wouldn't hate them, either. I'd know they were also fighting for things just as important to them.
[a deep breath.] But it's not that other people weren't fighting. It's just that, it's hard, when you've never had to wake up and realize that there might not be a happy ending and there might not be someone coming to save you, to start thinking that way.
Now I know we might be able to try for our world and everyone else's, I - I'll carry it for everyone if I have to, so they never have to start thinking this way. They can just be mad at us, if they want, but also get the happy ending they deserved. [this is a very dramatique sentiment but she is 12.]
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I don't hate you.
[First and foremost--because he can't stand the idea of letting them, of letting her, walk away thinking that he does. He won't ever forgive himself for not clearing the air with Buzen properly, and he won't do that again.]
I meant it when I said I understood. And Shenhe... [He closes his eyes for a moment.] I know Shenhe likely would have acted, sooner or later. I'd asked her to tell me, if she felt like she was getting to that point.
[Whether she actually would have or not is a total mystery, of course. He knows she probably thought him too fragile to handle the reality of their situation. He can't speak for Lambda or her team one way or the other, so he leaves that aside.]
I just wish you'd trusted us a little more. Especially afterward. [And before, if he's totally honest--but that's a selfish, personal wound, and he's trying very, very hard to channel logic.]
Even if our worlds weren't at stake, I can't hold a desire to survive against you. [He can't approve of Shenhe's death, can't promise to forgive them or be happy about this, but he's been telling himself this since the beginning anyway. If he doesn't stand by his words now that push has come to shove, what does that make him?] But we have to be able to trust you. And we can't do that if we're questioning whether you're being truthful, or whether you're holding things back from us.
[There's nothing they can do about this now. Kaveh isn't a vengeful person to begin with, but even if he had been, outing them would accomplish nothing. And he does trust that they have good intentions. He has to trust that, or he'll never be able to face Shenhe's team ever again. So he does his best to focus on the now, on the later, rather than what's already come to pass.]
I'm not saying you need to tell us everything you plan on doing. I'm not sure you could anyway--I know Buzen was worried about the consequences. [Whatever the fuck those are.] But we can't just tell you everything we learn and let you do what you will with it, without any input on our end. That can't be how this works.
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That's fair. You're right - I think at the end of the day, we're going to have to make some decisions as a team. But that means you shouldn't have to tell us things when you know it might lead to things you won't agree with...
I can't promise we'll tell you everything, and I don't expect you to tell us everything, but we decided to tell you this now. We knew it was dangerous, but we didn't want you to be wondering who was in the lead when we could change that.
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When I acted last week, I told no one. Not even Ylfa or Haru. And I think that was a mistake. The only reason-- Well. The only reason we've caught others is they either couldn't or didn't want to trust their own team. Buzen and Matsui couldn't live with it, and Sweet Theory buckled when pressed. So maybe we should have told you, but we didn't want to force you to accept it or to cover for us.
I think we did our best to tell you now. But you're right. I'm sorry for keeping it from you even this long.
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...]
Do you have numbers?
[How many points they have, how many they'll need.]
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I spoke to them though, about some other options. There are people - apparently quite a few - who have no desire to go home, or return to life. There might be a way to convince the people in charge that they could be, I don't know. Reapers themselves. It's not ideal. And it might not work. It's normally a choice given to the winners, but-- it's an idea. There might be other ideas.
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What about transferring points?
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And we can't do extra tasks on request, can we?
[Because at this point, it really is just--their team or nothing, it seems. And if that's the case, then they need to do whatever they can to get them as many points as possible.]
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Ylfa and Gerard didn't work together. Or with me. ...You're the only people we've told at all. But you deserve the truth. And we trust you with it.
You don't have to try and make it sound like it's anyone else's fault. [ it's certainly not kaveh's??? ]
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You weren't the only ones who voted incorrectly. [Regardless of anything else, Kaveh won't put that on them. He's the one who fucked up, for completely different reasons than any of this.] ...But we need to trust each other more, moving forward. That's the only way this is going to work.
[He doesn't necessarily expect them to come running over with their murder plans all the time--that would be ridiculous. But he's not entirely convinced they would've said anything, had the conversation not veered in this particular way. And that sits too uncomfortably in his chest to leave unaddressed.]
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Okay.
[ he can see why that's the case. they're an alliance, and they need to give reasons to maintain that trust. ]
We can't say much because of the rules. It's not safe to tell you until after trial. All I can say is we'll probably do it again. Maybe soon, but... I don't know. Either way, we don't expect you to cover for us.
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Haru--I do understand. I know you all didn't ask to be here any more than the rest of us. You're not doing this out of cruelty.
[He wishes he'd been able to say that to Buzen and the others, too. Even if he manages to speak to them again someday, to apologize, he'll never be able to undo it.
He doesn't say anything about forgiveness, though, because... well. That's not for him to decide anyway, he thinks.]
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Other people think differently. They think we're selfish and cruel. You saw it. But I'm going to stand by my team, no matter what they think.
[ despite insecurity week, he is firm on that. he's not an innocent bystander. he accepts that people are angry, and they can't ask forgiveness, but they can do whatever they can to help everyone, too. ]
We've asked and looked for other ways. Ruby told me that there's nothing we can do alone. From what she said, I think maybe there's people who can help us. But even then, we can't just hope and wait for them. We have to try to save everyone that we can, in the way that we can. Even if it's hard. Even if everyone here, no matter how we try to avoid it, has someone who loves them. [ like they love shenhe. like everyone loved buzen and matsui, and began to accept rang. like eiden loved yakumo. like he loved rin. it would be worse, he thinks, if he didn't acknowledge that. ]
I'm still sorry. It's okay to be mad. [ even if he promised forever that he wouldn't be ]
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Of course they're going to be mad, Haru. From the outside, it looks horrifically cruel. [LAMBDA IS IN PIECES. SHENHE WAS CRISPY.] And Nahida's right--it's not for us to accept your apology. That's between Shenhe and Gerard.
...I do think that you should find some way to communicate with Shenhe's team. You don't have to confess to them, but they deserve something. [Even if it's just a vague, anonymous promise that someone, somewhere, will do what they can to bring her back. Lambda's team probably deserves that too, but he doesn't want to seem like he's guilting them into anything.] But that's for you all to decide.
[He does believe, despite how hard he's trying, that they have to shoulder the consequences of the choices they made. Regardless of how sound their logic was, how good their intentions--he won't take that responsibility off their shoulders. People were hurt, and it may have even been for nothing. That's something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives, even if they all make it out of here by some miracle.]
Do you have any idea who Ruby might've been talking about?
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he just nods and accepts all that. it does look cruel. even if a tornado of axes is something that could happen to anybody?
but no, even if they didn't mean to be, what they did was still terrible and mean, and he accepts that. the hurt people suffered was real, and he has too much empathy not to believe that. that guilt doesn't like, stop what they have to do—but everyone is free to think of them as they will. they deserve to be upset.
he looks more uncertain about how to approach team A, but... that's something they can talk about later. ]
I don't. She wouldn't elaborate.
[ he sighs. ]
Maybe we'll learn more this Thursday. It's hard when we don't know who we could be looking for.
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...thank you. For telling us. It's hard to hear, but it's... it's better that we did hear it.
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Don't— [ it is so insanely wrong to hear her thank them for anything. he pauses to let out a breath. ] I'm sorry about Shenhe.
[ she was his friend too, but he knows these are people who undoubtedly loved her. ]
We'll answer whatever we can.
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But I do understand why that choice was made, and... I think she understood, too. It's not my place to accept any apologies on her behalf though...
[she nods at that last bit - answers are important. she wants them badly.
but it's hard to think straight when she's insecure about how productive the questions she would ask would be
and also when i'm stuck at work and can't tag quickly enough to ask aaaaaaaaa]