I guess I didn't think you would want to be where we are. Having to look Monika and Nahri and Eiden and Simon in the eyes from now on, knowing how much pain we're keeping from them. You're so kind. That's why I liked you from the start, because you wanted to be kind to everybody.
[but she understands what he's saying; it's not a satisfying answer. of course they feel betrayed.]
We didn't plan to be in this situation. We didn't know it was possible at all. We made a decision to live, and honestly, the decision we made, based on the information we had at the time, might have meant that your team would lose.
[which was awful, and part of why she kept insisting the idea that everyone's world might get erased was probably untrue, because she doesn't want to think about having any part in that. but it's not like failing to do anything would have meant no worlds got erased.]
All I can say is...I didn't know how to fight for everyone's world and everyone's team, back then. I only knew how to fight for my own. My home and my friends, for Rin. [it honestly makes her clench her fists a little, sort of desperate] If another team made the decision we did, I wouldn't hate them, either. I'd know they were also fighting for things just as important to them.
[a deep breath.] But it's not that other people weren't fighting. It's just that, it's hard, when you've never had to wake up and realize that there might not be a happy ending and there might not be someone coming to save you, to start thinking that way.
Now I know we might be able to try for our world and everyone else's, I - I'll carry it for everyone if I have to, so they never have to start thinking this way. They can just be mad at us, if they want, but also get the happy ending they deserved. [this is a very dramatique sentiment but she is 12.]
[It's fine, Kaveh is basically a disney princess which is ultimately the same thing is a dramatic storybook 12-year-old.]
I don't hate you.
[First and foremost--because he can't stand the idea of letting them, of letting her, walk away thinking that he does. He won't ever forgive himself for not clearing the air with Buzen properly, and he won't do that again.]
I meant it when I said I understood. And Shenhe... [He closes his eyes for a moment.] I know Shenhe likely would have acted, sooner or later. I'd asked her to tell me, if she felt like she was getting to that point.
[Whether she actually would have or not is a total mystery, of course. He knows she probably thought him too fragile to handle the reality of their situation. He can't speak for Lambda or her team one way or the other, so he leaves that aside.]
I just wish you'd trusted us a little more. Especially afterward. [And before, if he's totally honest--but that's a selfish, personal wound, and he's trying very, very hard to channel logic.]
Even if our worlds weren't at stake, I can't hold a desire to survive against you. [He can't approve of Shenhe's death, can't promise to forgive them or be happy about this, but he's been telling himself this since the beginning anyway. If he doesn't stand by his words now that push has come to shove, what does that make him?] But we have to be able to trust you. And we can't do that if we're questioning whether you're being truthful, or whether you're holding things back from us.
[There's nothing they can do about this now. Kaveh isn't a vengeful person to begin with, but even if he had been, outing them would accomplish nothing. And he does trust that they have good intentions. He has to trust that, or he'll never be able to face Shenhe's team ever again. So he does his best to focus on the now, on the later, rather than what's already come to pass.]
I'm not saying you need to tell us everything you plan on doing. I'm not sure you could anyway--I know Buzen was worried about the consequences. [Whatever the fuck those are.] But we can't just tell you everything we learn and let you do what you will with it, without any input on our end. That can't be how this works.
That's fair. You're right - I think at the end of the day, we're going to have to make some decisions as a team. But that means you shouldn't have to tell us things when you know it might lead to things you won't agree with...
I can't promise we'll tell you everything, and I don't expect you to tell us everything, but we decided to tell you this now. We knew it was dangerous, but we didn't want you to be wondering who was in the lead when we could change that.
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no subject
[but she understands what he's saying; it's not a satisfying answer. of course they feel betrayed.]
We didn't plan to be in this situation. We didn't know it was possible at all. We made a decision to live, and honestly, the decision we made, based on the information we had at the time, might have meant that your team would lose.
[which was awful, and part of why she kept insisting the idea that everyone's world might get erased was probably untrue, because she doesn't want to think about having any part in that. but it's not like failing to do anything would have meant no worlds got erased.]
All I can say is...I didn't know how to fight for everyone's world and everyone's team, back then. I only knew how to fight for my own. My home and my friends, for Rin. [it honestly makes her clench her fists a little, sort of desperate] If another team made the decision we did, I wouldn't hate them, either. I'd know they were also fighting for things just as important to them.
[a deep breath.] But it's not that other people weren't fighting. It's just that, it's hard, when you've never had to wake up and realize that there might not be a happy ending and there might not be someone coming to save you, to start thinking that way.
Now I know we might be able to try for our world and everyone else's, I - I'll carry it for everyone if I have to, so they never have to start thinking this way. They can just be mad at us, if they want, but also get the happy ending they deserved. [this is a very dramatique sentiment but she is 12.]
no subject
I don't hate you.
[First and foremost--because he can't stand the idea of letting them, of letting her, walk away thinking that he does. He won't ever forgive himself for not clearing the air with Buzen properly, and he won't do that again.]
I meant it when I said I understood. And Shenhe... [He closes his eyes for a moment.] I know Shenhe likely would have acted, sooner or later. I'd asked her to tell me, if she felt like she was getting to that point.
[Whether she actually would have or not is a total mystery, of course. He knows she probably thought him too fragile to handle the reality of their situation. He can't speak for Lambda or her team one way or the other, so he leaves that aside.]
I just wish you'd trusted us a little more. Especially afterward. [And before, if he's totally honest--but that's a selfish, personal wound, and he's trying very, very hard to channel logic.]
Even if our worlds weren't at stake, I can't hold a desire to survive against you. [He can't approve of Shenhe's death, can't promise to forgive them or be happy about this, but he's been telling himself this since the beginning anyway. If he doesn't stand by his words now that push has come to shove, what does that make him?] But we have to be able to trust you. And we can't do that if we're questioning whether you're being truthful, or whether you're holding things back from us.
[There's nothing they can do about this now. Kaveh isn't a vengeful person to begin with, but even if he had been, outing them would accomplish nothing. And he does trust that they have good intentions. He has to trust that, or he'll never be able to face Shenhe's team ever again. So he does his best to focus on the now, on the later, rather than what's already come to pass.]
I'm not saying you need to tell us everything you plan on doing. I'm not sure you could anyway--I know Buzen was worried about the consequences. [Whatever the fuck those are.] But we can't just tell you everything we learn and let you do what you will with it, without any input on our end. That can't be how this works.
no subject
That's fair. You're right - I think at the end of the day, we're going to have to make some decisions as a team. But that means you shouldn't have to tell us things when you know it might lead to things you won't agree with...
I can't promise we'll tell you everything, and I don't expect you to tell us everything, but we decided to tell you this now. We knew it was dangerous, but we didn't want you to be wondering who was in the lead when we could change that.