[ it's hard to see kaveh hurting. it was hard at execution, too. he knows people are suffering and it's their fault. all they can offer right now is the truth. ]
Ylfa and Gerard didn't work together. Or with me. ...You're the only people we've told at all. But you deserve the truth. And we trust you with it.
You don't have to try and make it sound like it's anyone else's fault. [ it's certainly not kaveh's??? ]
[TRULY THE IDEA OF HARU STANDING THERE IN THE WAREHOUSE LIKE (standing_horse_emoji) IS KILLING ME]
You weren't the only ones who voted incorrectly. [Regardless of anything else, Kaveh won't put that on them. He's the one who fucked up, for completely different reasons than any of this.] ...But we need to trust each other more, moving forward. That's the only way this is going to work.
[He doesn't necessarily expect them to come running over with their murder plans all the time--that would be ridiculous. But he's not entirely convinced they would've said anything, had the conversation not veered in this particular way. And that sits too uncomfortably in his chest to leave unaddressed.]
[ this is fine. quietly, trying not to sound too sad about it, ]
Okay.
[ he can see why that's the case. they're an alliance, and they need to give reasons to maintain that trust. ]
We can't say much because of the rules. It's not safe to tell you until after trial. All I can say is we'll probably do it again. Maybe soon, but... I don't know. Either way, we don't expect you to cover for us.
[Well, listen--it's different when it's Haru, who was one of the first people to suffer such a terrible loss. Kaveh is incapable of not putting other people before himself, so he finally uncurls, reaching out to put a hand on Haru's arm.]
Haru--I do understand. I know you all didn't ask to be here any more than the rest of us. You're not doing this out of cruelty.
[He wishes he'd been able to say that to Buzen and the others, too. Even if he manages to speak to them again someday, to apologize, he'll never be able to undo it.
He doesn't say anything about forgiveness, though, because... well. That's not for him to decide anyway, he thinks.]
[ maybe he should be a little more selfish, considering who he's talking to ]
Other people think differently. They think we're selfish and cruel. You saw it. But I'm going to stand by my team, no matter what they think.
[ despite insecurity week, he is firm on that. he's not an innocent bystander. he accepts that people are angry, and they can't ask forgiveness, but they can do whatever they can to help everyone, too. ]
We've asked and looked for other ways. Ruby told me that there's nothing we can do alone. From what she said, I think maybe there's people who can help us. But even then, we can't just hope and wait for them. We have to try to save everyone that we can, in the way that we can. Even if it's hard. Even if everyone here, no matter how we try to avoid it, has someone who loves them. [ like they love shenhe. like everyone loved buzen and matsui, and began to accept rang. like eiden loved yakumo. like he loved rin. it would be worse, he thinks, if he didn't acknowledge that. ]
I'm still sorry. It's okay to be mad. [ even if he promised forever that he wouldn't be ]
[Maybe he'd be more selfish but you ruined his birthday and now he's insecure about having been born :( ]
Of course they're going to be mad, Haru. From the outside, it looks horrifically cruel. [LAMBDA IS IN PIECES. SHENHE WAS CRISPY.] And Nahida's right--it's not for us to accept your apology. That's between Shenhe and Gerard.
...I do think that you should find some way to communicate with Shenhe's team. You don't have to confess to them, but they deserve something. [Even if it's just a vague, anonymous promise that someone, somewhere, will do what they can to bring her back. Lambda's team probably deserves that too, but he doesn't want to seem like he's guilting them into anything.] But that's for you all to decide.
[He does believe, despite how hard he's trying, that they have to shoulder the consequences of the choices they made. Regardless of how sound their logic was, how good their intentions--he won't take that responsibility off their shoulders. People were hurt, and it may have even been for nothing. That's something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives, even if they all make it out of here by some miracle.]
Do you have any idea who Ruby might've been talking about?
he just nods and accepts all that. it does look cruel. even if a tornado of axes is something that could happen to anybody?
but no, even if they didn't mean to be, what they did was still terrible and mean, and he accepts that. the hurt people suffered was real, and he has too much empathy not to believe that. that guilt doesn't like, stop what they have to do—but everyone is free to think of them as they will. they deserve to be upset.
he looks more uncertain about how to approach team A, but... that's something they can talk about later. ]
I don't. She wouldn't elaborate.
[ he sighs. ]
Maybe we'll learn more this Thursday. It's hard when we don't know who we could be looking for.
[And they knew that. Which is part of why this hurts too, honestly. They'd known some of his own team's worries and fears, and gone ahead and acted anyway--and taken someone precious from them in the process.
He'd meant it when he said he understood. But understanding isn't the same thing as being content with it. Logic and emotion are two completely different things, after all. And he would much rather have accepted this than to have it thrust on them in the aftermath, even if it's obvious why they didn't say anything.
It's just... messy. The whole thing is messy. Not for the first time, Kaveh wishes more people here were cruel, ruthless, cunning. Maybe then he could hate them and go on his way. (He couldn't. He's never been that way.)
He sighs, lifting a hand to press the heel of his palm against his forehead.]
I'm going to talk to Aika myself, tomorrow. [Gently, but firmly. It's not that he doubts what they're saying--but he needs them to understand that trust has been damaged, even if he fully intends to stand by his promise not to out them.] If there's anything you think I should ask her, please tell me.
[she's been thinking about this, but she hasn't wanted to say anything.]
If I could tell Lambda's team and Shenhe's team anything that would make them feel better, I would do it, even if it's risky.
But do you really believe it will make them feel better? If Wolfwood and Vash and Nahri get a message from us saying we're the people who hurt you, the people you probably want to kill right now, and we're not telling you who we are, but we're going to save Shenhe, do you think that they're going to believe us and just sit back and trust us? Do you think that's going to comfort them? Or is it just going to make them more angry and more hurt?
If it was me, and the person who killed Rin, it would just make it feel worse.
[He should probably think it through before he answers her, but. He feels frayed and worn right now, so he doesn't.]
It's not that I think you should walk up to them and say it was you. [He loves Team A to pieces, but he isn't stupid. He can't say that they wouldn't take revenge, and that wouldn't get them anywhere.] But they deserve better than the way things ended up.
[They deserve to know that at the very least, someone out there is trying. That they weren't left behind out of senseless desperation, even if, in a way that's kind of what this is. If someone had taken Nahida or Shu from him, he thinks he would want even the phantom of a hand on his shoulder, even the ghost of a voice saying It will be okay. Maybe it would make it worse, because nothing can make it better, really--but Kaveh can only express his opinions as they are.
But these are such personal issues for him, and he knows his views are colored by that bias. And even on a normal week, he wouldn't necessarily want to bring it up. This week, especially, his shoulders rise even to skirt around it, and he looks away, awkward and insecure.]
Um, but I can't speak for Shenhe's team. Or for you all. It's just what I think.
[she would feel kind of bad for being a simon anti except she has found out (or will find out? what is timing with pcs) something else that's going to make her a simon anti again. so.]
...thank you. For telling us. It's hard to hear, but it's... it's better that we did hear it.
...I'm sorry, too. [about shenhe.] I wish there had been a better option.
But I do understand why that choice was made, and... I think she understood, too. It's not my place to accept any apologies on her behalf though...
[she nods at that last bit - answers are important. she wants them badly.
but it's hard to think straight when she's insecure about how productive the questions she would ask would be and also when i'm stuck at work and can't tag quickly enough to ask aaaaaaaaa]
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Ylfa and Gerard didn't work together. Or with me. ...You're the only people we've told at all. But you deserve the truth. And we trust you with it.
You don't have to try and make it sound like it's anyone else's fault. [ it's certainly not kaveh's??? ]
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You weren't the only ones who voted incorrectly. [Regardless of anything else, Kaveh won't put that on them. He's the one who fucked up, for completely different reasons than any of this.] ...But we need to trust each other more, moving forward. That's the only way this is going to work.
[He doesn't necessarily expect them to come running over with their murder plans all the time--that would be ridiculous. But he's not entirely convinced they would've said anything, had the conversation not veered in this particular way. And that sits too uncomfortably in his chest to leave unaddressed.]
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Okay.
[ he can see why that's the case. they're an alliance, and they need to give reasons to maintain that trust. ]
We can't say much because of the rules. It's not safe to tell you until after trial. All I can say is we'll probably do it again. Maybe soon, but... I don't know. Either way, we don't expect you to cover for us.
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Haru--I do understand. I know you all didn't ask to be here any more than the rest of us. You're not doing this out of cruelty.
[He wishes he'd been able to say that to Buzen and the others, too. Even if he manages to speak to them again someday, to apologize, he'll never be able to undo it.
He doesn't say anything about forgiveness, though, because... well. That's not for him to decide anyway, he thinks.]
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Other people think differently. They think we're selfish and cruel. You saw it. But I'm going to stand by my team, no matter what they think.
[ despite insecurity week, he is firm on that. he's not an innocent bystander. he accepts that people are angry, and they can't ask forgiveness, but they can do whatever they can to help everyone, too. ]
We've asked and looked for other ways. Ruby told me that there's nothing we can do alone. From what she said, I think maybe there's people who can help us. But even then, we can't just hope and wait for them. We have to try to save everyone that we can, in the way that we can. Even if it's hard. Even if everyone here, no matter how we try to avoid it, has someone who loves them. [ like they love shenhe. like everyone loved buzen and matsui, and began to accept rang. like eiden loved yakumo. like he loved rin. it would be worse, he thinks, if he didn't acknowledge that. ]
I'm still sorry. It's okay to be mad. [ even if he promised forever that he wouldn't be ]
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Of course they're going to be mad, Haru. From the outside, it looks horrifically cruel. [LAMBDA IS IN PIECES. SHENHE WAS CRISPY.] And Nahida's right--it's not for us to accept your apology. That's between Shenhe and Gerard.
...I do think that you should find some way to communicate with Shenhe's team. You don't have to confess to them, but they deserve something. [Even if it's just a vague, anonymous promise that someone, somewhere, will do what they can to bring her back. Lambda's team probably deserves that too, but he doesn't want to seem like he's guilting them into anything.] But that's for you all to decide.
[He does believe, despite how hard he's trying, that they have to shoulder the consequences of the choices they made. Regardless of how sound their logic was, how good their intentions--he won't take that responsibility off their shoulders. People were hurt, and it may have even been for nothing. That's something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives, even if they all make it out of here by some miracle.]
Do you have any idea who Ruby might've been talking about?
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he just nods and accepts all that. it does look cruel. even if a tornado of axes is something that could happen to anybody?
but no, even if they didn't mean to be, what they did was still terrible and mean, and he accepts that. the hurt people suffered was real, and he has too much empathy not to believe that. that guilt doesn't like, stop what they have to do—but everyone is free to think of them as they will. they deserve to be upset.
he looks more uncertain about how to approach team A, but... that's something they can talk about later. ]
I don't. She wouldn't elaborate.
[ he sighs. ]
Maybe we'll learn more this Thursday. It's hard when we don't know who we could be looking for.
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[And they knew that. Which is part of why this hurts too, honestly. They'd known some of his own team's worries and fears, and gone ahead and acted anyway--and taken someone precious from them in the process.
He'd meant it when he said he understood. But understanding isn't the same thing as being content with it. Logic and emotion are two completely different things, after all. And he would much rather have accepted this than to have it thrust on them in the aftermath, even if it's obvious why they didn't say anything.
It's just... messy. The whole thing is messy. Not for the first time, Kaveh wishes more people here were cruel, ruthless, cunning. Maybe then he could hate them and go on his way. (He couldn't. He's never been that way.)
He sighs, lifting a hand to press the heel of his palm against his forehead.]
I'm going to talk to Aika myself, tomorrow. [Gently, but firmly. It's not that he doubts what they're saying--but he needs them to understand that trust has been damaged, even if he fully intends to stand by his promise not to out them.] If there's anything you think I should ask her, please tell me.
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[she's been thinking about this, but she hasn't wanted to say anything.]
If I could tell Lambda's team and Shenhe's team anything that would make them feel better, I would do it, even if it's risky.
But do you really believe it will make them feel better? If Wolfwood and Vash and Nahri get a message from us saying we're the people who hurt you, the people you probably want to kill right now, and we're not telling you who we are, but we're going to save Shenhe, do you think that they're going to believe us and just sit back and trust us? Do you think that's going to comfort them? Or is it just going to make them more angry and more hurt?
If it was me, and the person who killed Rin, it would just make it feel worse.
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[He should probably think it through before he answers her, but. He feels frayed and worn right now, so he doesn't.]
It's not that I think you should walk up to them and say it was you. [He loves Team A to pieces, but he isn't stupid. He can't say that they wouldn't take revenge, and that wouldn't get them anywhere.] But they deserve better than the way things ended up.
[They deserve to know that at the very least, someone out there is trying. That they weren't left behind out of senseless desperation, even if, in a way that's kind of what this is. If someone had taken Nahida or Shu from him, he thinks he would want even the phantom of a hand on his shoulder, even the ghost of a voice saying It will be okay. Maybe it would make it worse, because nothing can make it better, really--but Kaveh can only express his opinions as they are.
But these are such personal issues for him, and he knows his views are colored by that bias. And even on a normal week, he wouldn't necessarily want to bring it up. This week, especially, his shoulders rise even to skirt around it, and he looks away, awkward and insecure.]
Um, but I can't speak for Shenhe's team. Or for you all. It's just what I think.
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...thank you. For telling us. It's hard to hear, but it's... it's better that we did hear it.
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Don't— [ it is so insanely wrong to hear her thank them for anything. he pauses to let out a breath. ] I'm sorry about Shenhe.
[ she was his friend too, but he knows these are people who undoubtedly loved her. ]
We'll answer whatever we can.
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But I do understand why that choice was made, and... I think she understood, too. It's not my place to accept any apologies on her behalf though...
[she nods at that last bit - answers are important. she wants them badly.
but it's hard to think straight when she's insecure about how productive the questions she would ask would be
and also when i'm stuck at work and can't tag quickly enough to ask aaaaaaaaa]