[listen we didn't coordinate we didn't coordinate. she watches them react, but she can tell it's shenhe especially that's devastating them, so in a small voice she'll say - ]
I loved Shenhe, too. She was always so kind to me. She was the only person here who really understood me sometimes, I think.
[she swallows hard.]
But it's like I told you, Nahida. Gerard made a decision. Sometimes the only choices you have are to do something ugly or die. And I think, in that situation, Gerard did the least ugly thing he could have. Both of us only wanted to target people who also believed that surviving here would mean playing by ugly rules, we wanted to respect the people who didn't believe in them. And Shenhe...Shenhe and I...we'd already made plans together.
[Okay now that I have coffee--I mean, now that Kaveh has his feelings under control... kind of...
He drags in a shuddering breath and turns back to them.]
The week that Rin was killed, I said things to Buzen that I may not ever get the chance to take back. [He says, finally.] I don't want to make that mistake again. I--[He falters, gripping his arms a little more tightly.]--I understand your logic, and I know you want to get home. And... what happened with Hot Mess wasn't entirely your fault.
[Sometimes your guilt complex is too strong, even in the face of murder confessions.
He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to think past the weight in his chest. Because there's a but--how could there not be a "but," in a situation like this? If not for what happened with Buzen and his team, there's a high chance Kaveh would be falling apart right now. The only reason he isn't is because he has, through so much of his life, learned to be resilient.
But she was our friend. He knew there would be a point when that would no longer be enough. But how can you believe your world is worth more than anyone else's? But no, that's... too personal, too reflective of his own self-view. But you didn't tell us, and couldn't you trust us enough for that? Are we so unreliable? But isn't it logical, why they didn't? And even if they'd wanted to, Buzen had pointed it out: there's no telling what the consequences could've been.]
...Were you ever going to tell us on your own? [He settles on, finally.]
[she'll let gerard answer most of this but the one thing she'll say is - ]
When we made this alliance, we agreed it wouldn't have to involve covering up murders for each other. I know you thought I was joking, but I wasn't. I already knew I was making a decision Haru and Gerard might hate. I didn't want to force you to deal with the consequences of my decision, too.
No, I... [He pauses, takes a moment, tries to pull his thoughts back together.] I understand why you didn't tell us before you did it. Though I wish you had.
[Kaveh is better at lying than you might expect, given what this game has done to him--but he knows it probably wouldn't extend to something like this. He can already see how it would've gone: he would've tried to talk them out of it, probably, and then failed to keep his composure at a critical moment. Even now, he's not sure how he'll be able to look Vash, Wolfwood, and Nahri in the eyes.]
But I think you should have told us afterward. After the trial. You and Gerard--if this fails, Lambda and Yang Guifei's world is gone. And what if another team does something like you've done, next? What if they choose me and Nahida of their own volition, thinking that as long as one of us is still around, our world will be safe?
[He shakes his head.]
I meant it when I said I didn't want you to be erased. I care about you very much, and if I had to choose any team to entrust with our fates, it would be yours. I--[...] I would have preferred to tell you that myself, rather than having my hand forced.
[Because now it's them or it's nothing. Unless another team throws everything they have into following this same solution, it has to be this team. And Kaveh has had so many choices taken from him over the past few weeks; it grates, having this one taken too.]
I guess I didn't think you would want to be where we are. Having to look Monika and Nahri and Eiden and Simon in the eyes from now on, knowing how much pain we're keeping from them. You're so kind. That's why I liked you from the start, because you wanted to be kind to everybody.
[but she understands what he's saying; it's not a satisfying answer. of course they feel betrayed.]
We didn't plan to be in this situation. We didn't know it was possible at all. We made a decision to live, and honestly, the decision we made, based on the information we had at the time, might have meant that your team would lose.
[which was awful, and part of why she kept insisting the idea that everyone's world might get erased was probably untrue, because she doesn't want to think about having any part in that. but it's not like failing to do anything would have meant no worlds got erased.]
All I can say is...I didn't know how to fight for everyone's world and everyone's team, back then. I only knew how to fight for my own. My home and my friends, for Rin. [it honestly makes her clench her fists a little, sort of desperate] If another team made the decision we did, I wouldn't hate them, either. I'd know they were also fighting for things just as important to them.
[a deep breath.] But it's not that other people weren't fighting. It's just that, it's hard, when you've never had to wake up and realize that there might not be a happy ending and there might not be someone coming to save you, to start thinking that way.
Now I know we might be able to try for our world and everyone else's, I - I'll carry it for everyone if I have to, so they never have to start thinking this way. They can just be mad at us, if they want, but also get the happy ending they deserved. [this is a very dramatique sentiment but she is 12.]
[It's fine, Kaveh is basically a disney princess which is ultimately the same thing is a dramatic storybook 12-year-old.]
I don't hate you.
[First and foremost--because he can't stand the idea of letting them, of letting her, walk away thinking that he does. He won't ever forgive himself for not clearing the air with Buzen properly, and he won't do that again.]
I meant it when I said I understood. And Shenhe... [He closes his eyes for a moment.] I know Shenhe likely would have acted, sooner or later. I'd asked her to tell me, if she felt like she was getting to that point.
[Whether she actually would have or not is a total mystery, of course. He knows she probably thought him too fragile to handle the reality of their situation. He can't speak for Lambda or her team one way or the other, so he leaves that aside.]
I just wish you'd trusted us a little more. Especially afterward. [And before, if he's totally honest--but that's a selfish, personal wound, and he's trying very, very hard to channel logic.]
Even if our worlds weren't at stake, I can't hold a desire to survive against you. [He can't approve of Shenhe's death, can't promise to forgive them or be happy about this, but he's been telling himself this since the beginning anyway. If he doesn't stand by his words now that push has come to shove, what does that make him?] But we have to be able to trust you. And we can't do that if we're questioning whether you're being truthful, or whether you're holding things back from us.
[There's nothing they can do about this now. Kaveh isn't a vengeful person to begin with, but even if he had been, outing them would accomplish nothing. And he does trust that they have good intentions. He has to trust that, or he'll never be able to face Shenhe's team ever again. So he does his best to focus on the now, on the later, rather than what's already come to pass.]
I'm not saying you need to tell us everything you plan on doing. I'm not sure you could anyway--I know Buzen was worried about the consequences. [Whatever the fuck those are.] But we can't just tell you everything we learn and let you do what you will with it, without any input on our end. That can't be how this works.
[ its really not that he believes his world has more worth. it's that if its erased, every other world is going with it. its the kill switch. the end of all stories, the death of the author. oblivion. ]
When I acted last week, I told no one. Not even Ylfa or Haru. And I think that was a mistake. The only reason-- Well. The only reason we've caught others is they either couldn't or didn't want to trust their own team. Buzen and Matsui couldn't live with it, and Sweet Theory buckled when pressed. So maybe we should have told you, but we didn't want to force you to accept it or to cover for us.
I think we did our best to tell you now. But you're right. I'm sorry for keeping it from you even this long.
[If he's fully honest, Kaveh--well, it's not that he doesn't care about Sweet Theory at all, but. In his mind, they're still responsible for the erasure of BDSM team. He doesn't like thinking about them--his mind skitters around the idea of their team, as though the words themselves have sharp edges.
...]
Do you have numbers?
[How many points they have, how many they'll need.]
No, they couldn't say exactly. But I spoke to Aika about it. I was trying to figure out a way-- She said that we've probably waited too long. That it was expensive already just to bring our team back, and that getting all 40 people home is ... we should prepare ourselves for the possibility.
I spoke to them though, about some other options. There are people - apparently quite a few - who have no desire to go home, or return to life. There might be a way to convince the people in charge that they could be, I don't know. Reapers themselves. It's not ideal. And it might not work. It's normally a choice given to the winners, but-- it's an idea. There might be other ideas.
[He nods slowly, taking that in. It's easier this way, a little--he's always been good with numbers. Focusing on that, on the structure, the framework--it gives him a minute to breathe.]
[ it's hard to see kaveh hurting. it was hard at execution, too. he knows people are suffering and it's their fault. all they can offer right now is the truth. ]
Ylfa and Gerard didn't work together. Or with me. ...You're the only people we've told at all. But you deserve the truth. And we trust you with it.
You don't have to try and make it sound like it's anyone else's fault. [ it's certainly not kaveh's??? ]
[TRULY THE IDEA OF HARU STANDING THERE IN THE WAREHOUSE LIKE (standing_horse_emoji) IS KILLING ME]
You weren't the only ones who voted incorrectly. [Regardless of anything else, Kaveh won't put that on them. He's the one who fucked up, for completely different reasons than any of this.] ...But we need to trust each other more, moving forward. That's the only way this is going to work.
[He doesn't necessarily expect them to come running over with their murder plans all the time--that would be ridiculous. But he's not entirely convinced they would've said anything, had the conversation not veered in this particular way. And that sits too uncomfortably in his chest to leave unaddressed.]
[ this is fine. quietly, trying not to sound too sad about it, ]
Okay.
[ he can see why that's the case. they're an alliance, and they need to give reasons to maintain that trust. ]
We can't say much because of the rules. It's not safe to tell you until after trial. All I can say is we'll probably do it again. Maybe soon, but... I don't know. Either way, we don't expect you to cover for us.
[she would feel kind of bad for being a simon anti except she has found out (or will find out? what is timing with pcs) something else that's going to make her a simon anti again. so.]
...thank you. For telling us. It's hard to hear, but it's... it's better that we did hear it.
[ it's fine, probably. he doesn't say anything for a moment, before nodding. ]
Teach would tell me you owe it to yourself more than anything not to forget you chose to take a life. Keeps your empathy in tact. It's when you start forgetting that you start changing for the worst.
I don't think you need to worry about that, though.
It wasn't always a decision I meant to make. What happened to me, what I am - it's not something I've always been able to control. When I get too angry, sometimes I do things I regret later.
But I made a decision that - if I have to be a monster, if I have to have done those things, I want it to mean something. I'm strong, and I can stomach things others can't, and that's something that people need sometimes. A Big Bad Wolf isn't a bad friend to have in your corner.
That's why I said I don't think you need to worry.
You've put more thought into that than half the people who pick up a gun and charge dollar signs to make a career out of using it. Teach would probably have liked someone like you, at lot more than most of the people she came across.
I... I know. [sometimes you have no choice but to act, even when what you have to do is not something you want to do. nahida understands that at her core - although, she can't quite pick out why that is.
it feels familiar in a way that makes her heart ache with loss, but putting a name to it is...]
We talked about how we both thought we'd have to do something, but we didn't know if our teams would be okay with it. So we'd agreed to cover for each other if it happened.
and she can respect strategy, even if it makes her heart ache a little to know a fckin twelve year old was put in a position where she felt like she had to do a murder.]
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I loved Shenhe, too. She was always so kind to me. She was the only person here who really understood me sometimes, I think.
[she swallows hard.]
But it's like I told you, Nahida. Gerard made a decision. Sometimes the only choices you have are to do something ugly or die. And I think, in that situation, Gerard did the least ugly thing he could have. Both of us only wanted to target people who also believed that surviving here would mean playing by ugly rules, we wanted to respect the people who didn't believe in them. And Shenhe...Shenhe and I...we'd already made plans together.
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It's alright, Ylfa.
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He drags in a shuddering breath and turns back to them.]
The week that Rin was killed, I said things to Buzen that I may not ever get the chance to take back. [He says, finally.] I don't want to make that mistake again. I--[He falters, gripping his arms a little more tightly.]--I understand your logic, and I know you want to get home. And... what happened with Hot Mess wasn't entirely your fault.
[Sometimes your guilt complex is too strong, even in the face of murder confessions.
He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to think past the weight in his chest. Because there's a but--how could there not be a "but," in a situation like this? If not for what happened with Buzen and his team, there's a high chance Kaveh would be falling apart right now. The only reason he isn't is because he has, through so much of his life, learned to be resilient.
But she was our friend. He knew there would be a point when that would no longer be enough. But how can you believe your world is worth more than anyone else's? But no, that's... too personal, too reflective of his own self-view. But you didn't tell us, and couldn't you trust us enough for that? Are we so unreliable? But isn't it logical, why they didn't? And even if they'd wanted to, Buzen had pointed it out: there's no telling what the consequences could've been.]
...Were you ever going to tell us on your own? [He settles on, finally.]
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When we made this alliance, we agreed it wouldn't have to involve covering up murders for each other. I know you thought I was joking, but I wasn't. I already knew I was making a decision Haru and Gerard might hate. I didn't want to force you to deal with the consequences of my decision, too.
But here we are...
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[Kaveh is better at lying than you might expect, given what this game has done to him--but he knows it probably wouldn't extend to something like this. He can already see how it would've gone: he would've tried to talk them out of it, probably, and then failed to keep his composure at a critical moment. Even now, he's not sure how he'll be able to look Vash, Wolfwood, and Nahri in the eyes.]
But I think you should have told us afterward. After the trial. You and Gerard--if this fails, Lambda and Yang Guifei's world is gone. And what if another team does something like you've done, next? What if they choose me and Nahida of their own volition, thinking that as long as one of us is still around, our world will be safe?
[He shakes his head.]
I meant it when I said I didn't want you to be erased. I care about you very much, and if I had to choose any team to entrust with our fates, it would be yours. I--[...] I would have preferred to tell you that myself, rather than having my hand forced.
[Because now it's them or it's nothing. Unless another team throws everything they have into following this same solution, it has to be this team. And Kaveh has had so many choices taken from him over the past few weeks; it grates, having this one taken too.]
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[but she understands what he's saying; it's not a satisfying answer. of course they feel betrayed.]
We didn't plan to be in this situation. We didn't know it was possible at all. We made a decision to live, and honestly, the decision we made, based on the information we had at the time, might have meant that your team would lose.
[which was awful, and part of why she kept insisting the idea that everyone's world might get erased was probably untrue, because she doesn't want to think about having any part in that. but it's not like failing to do anything would have meant no worlds got erased.]
All I can say is...I didn't know how to fight for everyone's world and everyone's team, back then. I only knew how to fight for my own. My home and my friends, for Rin. [it honestly makes her clench her fists a little, sort of desperate] If another team made the decision we did, I wouldn't hate them, either. I'd know they were also fighting for things just as important to them.
[a deep breath.] But it's not that other people weren't fighting. It's just that, it's hard, when you've never had to wake up and realize that there might not be a happy ending and there might not be someone coming to save you, to start thinking that way.
Now I know we might be able to try for our world and everyone else's, I - I'll carry it for everyone if I have to, so they never have to start thinking this way. They can just be mad at us, if they want, but also get the happy ending they deserved. [this is a very dramatique sentiment but she is 12.]
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I don't hate you.
[First and foremost--because he can't stand the idea of letting them, of letting her, walk away thinking that he does. He won't ever forgive himself for not clearing the air with Buzen properly, and he won't do that again.]
I meant it when I said I understood. And Shenhe... [He closes his eyes for a moment.] I know Shenhe likely would have acted, sooner or later. I'd asked her to tell me, if she felt like she was getting to that point.
[Whether she actually would have or not is a total mystery, of course. He knows she probably thought him too fragile to handle the reality of their situation. He can't speak for Lambda or her team one way or the other, so he leaves that aside.]
I just wish you'd trusted us a little more. Especially afterward. [And before, if he's totally honest--but that's a selfish, personal wound, and he's trying very, very hard to channel logic.]
Even if our worlds weren't at stake, I can't hold a desire to survive against you. [He can't approve of Shenhe's death, can't promise to forgive them or be happy about this, but he's been telling himself this since the beginning anyway. If he doesn't stand by his words now that push has come to shove, what does that make him?] But we have to be able to trust you. And we can't do that if we're questioning whether you're being truthful, or whether you're holding things back from us.
[There's nothing they can do about this now. Kaveh isn't a vengeful person to begin with, but even if he had been, outing them would accomplish nothing. And he does trust that they have good intentions. He has to trust that, or he'll never be able to face Shenhe's team ever again. So he does his best to focus on the now, on the later, rather than what's already come to pass.]
I'm not saying you need to tell us everything you plan on doing. I'm not sure you could anyway--I know Buzen was worried about the consequences. [Whatever the fuck those are.] But we can't just tell you everything we learn and let you do what you will with it, without any input on our end. That can't be how this works.
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When I acted last week, I told no one. Not even Ylfa or Haru. And I think that was a mistake. The only reason-- Well. The only reason we've caught others is they either couldn't or didn't want to trust their own team. Buzen and Matsui couldn't live with it, and Sweet Theory buckled when pressed. So maybe we should have told you, but we didn't want to force you to accept it or to cover for us.
I think we did our best to tell you now. But you're right. I'm sorry for keeping it from you even this long.
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...]
Do you have numbers?
[How many points they have, how many they'll need.]
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I spoke to them though, about some other options. There are people - apparently quite a few - who have no desire to go home, or return to life. There might be a way to convince the people in charge that they could be, I don't know. Reapers themselves. It's not ideal. And it might not work. It's normally a choice given to the winners, but-- it's an idea. There might be other ideas.
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What about transferring points?
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Ylfa and Gerard didn't work together. Or with me. ...You're the only people we've told at all. But you deserve the truth. And we trust you with it.
You don't have to try and make it sound like it's anyone else's fault. [ it's certainly not kaveh's??? ]
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You weren't the only ones who voted incorrectly. [Regardless of anything else, Kaveh won't put that on them. He's the one who fucked up, for completely different reasons than any of this.] ...But we need to trust each other more, moving forward. That's the only way this is going to work.
[He doesn't necessarily expect them to come running over with their murder plans all the time--that would be ridiculous. But he's not entirely convinced they would've said anything, had the conversation not veered in this particular way. And that sits too uncomfortably in his chest to leave unaddressed.]
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Okay.
[ he can see why that's the case. they're an alliance, and they need to give reasons to maintain that trust. ]
We can't say much because of the rules. It's not safe to tell you until after trial. All I can say is we'll probably do it again. Maybe soon, but... I don't know. Either way, we don't expect you to cover for us.
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...thank you. For telling us. It's hard to hear, but it's... it's better that we did hear it.
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Don't— [ it is so insanely wrong to hear her thank them for anything. he pauses to let out a breath. ] I'm sorry about Shenhe.
[ she was his friend too, but he knows these are people who undoubtedly loved her. ]
We'll answer whatever we can.
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Have you ended a life before?
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...Yeah. That's why I was going to do it. I didn't want Haru or Gerard to have to deal with that.
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Teach would tell me you owe it to yourself more than anything not to forget you chose to take a life. Keeps your empathy in tact. It's when you start forgetting that you start changing for the worst.
I don't think you need to worry about that, though.
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It wasn't always a decision I meant to make. What happened to me, what I am - it's not something I've always been able to control. When I get too angry, sometimes I do things I regret later.
But I made a decision that - if I have to be a monster, if I have to have done those things, I want it to mean something. I'm strong, and I can stomach things others can't, and that's something that people need sometimes. A Big Bad Wolf isn't a bad friend to have in your corner.
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That's why I said I don't think you need to worry.
You've put more thought into that than half the people who pick up a gun and charge dollar signs to make a career out of using it. Teach would probably have liked someone like you, at lot more than most of the people she came across.
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I... I know. [sometimes you have no choice but to act, even when what you have to do is not something you want to do. nahida understands that at her core - although, she can't quite pick out why that is.
it feels familiar in a way that makes her heart ache with loss, but putting a name to it is...]
...you'd made... plans together?
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and she can respect strategy, even if it makes her heart ache a little to know a fckin twelve year old was put in a position where she felt like she had to do a murder.]