[ he, uh, swallows hard before he starts because this one is probably going to be a lot worse, but they’d said they’d want to know (and had promised to never ever be mad). ]
I killed Shenhe.
[ he at least speaks steadily enough, even if he’s awkwardly moving his hands around like he’s not sure what to do with them. ]
There was a lot of reasons. I’m sure just as many of them as excuses as much as they are actual logic, but I think it’s only fair to say why. We … have to get back. Alive. It is not a question of maybe. If we don’t, then our world and probably every other world is going to be destroyed. Maybe even yours too. So we … always had to act. Hoping it would work— No one is coming to save us. I don’t know if there’s another way. Everything I’ve asked, everything you’ve asked, they know isn’t possible.
That said, I … knew Ylfa had the idea she had to do this. And I think I was afraid of making the decision for myself, but I couldn’t sit by and let her - make her do that for us. [ HE DOES CLOSE BOTH EYES FOR A SECOND. ] I really did think I’d beaten her to the punch, neither of us knew the other’s plans. But it made sense. If we had to win, get enough points, then I could be the one to do that. Because you, um, get more points. If you don’t wait for the text message to tell you to do it. If I was caught, I don’t think people would hurt Haru and Ylfa. I’m … expendable. So it made sense.
Shenhe and I. We spoke, before I did anything. I didn’t— She was my friend. I didn’t want to stab her in the back, and I wanted it to be as fair a fight as we could manage. So I didn’t know if I would be coming back. So I think she understood. I hope she did. She wanted the same things, and she was planning to kill for her team as well. She was from the same world as multiple people, so I wouldn’t be destroying her - well, your - world. That’s the last thing I want. So it felt … I don’t know. Even. She was playing the same game as us, understood the stakes.
We want to win, and we want to bring back as many as we can. I don’t know that everyone will be possible. I’ve been asking questions, trying to come up with solutions, and maybe there are some, but I think we’re just. Too late to bring everyone back to life. I promise we are going to bring back anyone who we’ve hurt.
[ for the most part, he listens to his team explain while trying to maintain a poker face, but by the time gerard says that's he expendable(!!), his expression cracks a little and he's feeling Some Kinda Way (the way is Insanely Bad). he just opens and closes his hands from slack to a tight fist here and again, not sure what to do with them otherwise. ]
...We panicked. None of us realized how badly it would go with Simon. We should've known that it would. We didn't really think it through. And then Hot Mess had four people, so we—that wasn't planned. We just panicked.
I know it doesn't make it better. It's not an excuse. But you should know everything that happened. Sorry.
Anyway--if Nahida reached for his hand, Kaveh would've allowed her to have it; but now he pulls it away to cross his arms tightly and turn away, moving away to pace back and forth as he gets his thoughts and emotions together. This is my way of saying I'm not out of bed yet so just give him a minute]
[it's not emotionshare week, but the hurt on nahida's face is obvious when kaveh pulls his hand away. she tries to school her expression, though, and her grip on shu's hand will tighten, unless he also pulls it away. wow. what a confession.
it makes sense.
it makes plenty of logical sense, and she knows that.
ylfa, gerard, and haru are not cruel people. she knows that, too.
[listen we didn't coordinate we didn't coordinate. she watches them react, but she can tell it's shenhe especially that's devastating them, so in a small voice she'll say - ]
I loved Shenhe, too. She was always so kind to me. She was the only person here who really understood me sometimes, I think.
[she swallows hard.]
But it's like I told you, Nahida. Gerard made a decision. Sometimes the only choices you have are to do something ugly or die. And I think, in that situation, Gerard did the least ugly thing he could have. Both of us only wanted to target people who also believed that surviving here would mean playing by ugly rules, we wanted to respect the people who didn't believe in them. And Shenhe...Shenhe and I...we'd already made plans together.
[Okay now that I have coffee--I mean, now that Kaveh has his feelings under control... kind of...
He drags in a shuddering breath and turns back to them.]
The week that Rin was killed, I said things to Buzen that I may not ever get the chance to take back. [He says, finally.] I don't want to make that mistake again. I--[He falters, gripping his arms a little more tightly.]--I understand your logic, and I know you want to get home. And... what happened with Hot Mess wasn't entirely your fault.
[Sometimes your guilt complex is too strong, even in the face of murder confessions.
He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to think past the weight in his chest. Because there's a but--how could there not be a "but," in a situation like this? If not for what happened with Buzen and his team, there's a high chance Kaveh would be falling apart right now. The only reason he isn't is because he has, through so much of his life, learned to be resilient.
But she was our friend. He knew there would be a point when that would no longer be enough. But how can you believe your world is worth more than anyone else's? But no, that's... too personal, too reflective of his own self-view. But you didn't tell us, and couldn't you trust us enough for that? Are we so unreliable? But isn't it logical, why they didn't? And even if they'd wanted to, Buzen had pointed it out: there's no telling what the consequences could've been.]
...Were you ever going to tell us on your own? [He settles on, finally.]
[she'll let gerard answer most of this but the one thing she'll say is - ]
When we made this alliance, we agreed it wouldn't have to involve covering up murders for each other. I know you thought I was joking, but I wasn't. I already knew I was making a decision Haru and Gerard might hate. I didn't want to force you to deal with the consequences of my decision, too.
[ its really not that he believes his world has more worth. it's that if its erased, every other world is going with it. its the kill switch. the end of all stories, the death of the author. oblivion. ]
When I acted last week, I told no one. Not even Ylfa or Haru. And I think that was a mistake. The only reason-- Well. The only reason we've caught others is they either couldn't or didn't want to trust their own team. Buzen and Matsui couldn't live with it, and Sweet Theory buckled when pressed. So maybe we should have told you, but we didn't want to force you to accept it or to cover for us.
I think we did our best to tell you now. But you're right. I'm sorry for keeping it from you even this long.
[ it's hard to see kaveh hurting. it was hard at execution, too. he knows people are suffering and it's their fault. all they can offer right now is the truth. ]
Ylfa and Gerard didn't work together. Or with me. ...You're the only people we've told at all. But you deserve the truth. And we trust you with it.
You don't have to try and make it sound like it's anyone else's fault. [ it's certainly not kaveh's??? ]
[ it's fine, probably. he doesn't say anything for a moment, before nodding. ]
Teach would tell me you owe it to yourself more than anything not to forget you chose to take a life. Keeps your empathy in tact. It's when you start forgetting that you start changing for the worst.
I don't think you need to worry about that, though.
I... I know. [sometimes you have no choice but to act, even when what you have to do is not something you want to do. nahida understands that at her core - although, she can't quite pick out why that is.
it feels familiar in a way that makes her heart ache with loss, but putting a name to it is...]
We talked about how we both thought we'd have to do something, but we didn't know if our teams would be okay with it. So we'd agreed to cover for each other if it happened.
and she can respect strategy, even if it makes her heart ache a little to know a fckin twelve year old was put in a position where she felt like she had to do a murder.]
It's not all logic. I wouldn't even say it's right. But I thought it would be more cruel to pretend I didn't know and not tell you than to tell you the truth.
[ and sort of mumbled: `And Veritas is already going to be angry with me, so I couldn't have another verse about lying to friends added to the song that I'm going to be blasted with when this is all over.` ]
It wasn't a weird summoning ritual! I'm also not a serial killer trying to bring her back from the dead! Or. I guess I am trying to bring her back from the dead. But not with the semi-circle! I, um. Was trying to fake psychs that a lot of other teams had. Drift Aura can make a shield of nearby objects ... ?
Logic and right aren't always one and the same. If you kill, you can never forget that you've made the decision to end a life with your own hands. And you carry that with you forever.
[ he does just look at gerard for a moment that. and then-- ]
I have no idea how you'd fake drift aura use, actually. It's teleportation and speed. [ ... ] Which is going to be annoying going forward if someone does use it.
[she takes a deep breath. she's upset, because of course she is. anyone would be. but she can see that gerard, ylfa, and haru are also upset.]
I can... I can understand your intentions. [trying to emulate a psych that lots of people have - it's smart, in that it widens the pool of suspects. strategically, it was a good choice.
and it does help to know gerard talked to shenhe, first.]
I'm glad you told us. Knowing the truth is important to me. I just... [her voice trails off.] ...I'm trying. I promise I am, Gerard.
It's really alright, Nahida. You can be angry with me. You don't have to forgive it either. It was my decision alone to choose Shenhe, not Ylfa or Haru's and you don't have to treat us all the same.
I'd rather you all be alive and angry with me than erased permanently.
...it's not mine to forgive. The only one who can forgive you is Shenhe.
[likewise - if shenhe had ended up killing gerard last night... it's not like anyone else could have forgiven her on his behalf.]
I'm sad, and... angry, yes. But I know that isn't going to help us right now. And I don't want how I feel to get in the way of understanding why you did what you did. It's not like you did it to hurt anyone - the opposite, right...?
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I killed Shenhe.
[ he at least speaks steadily enough, even if he’s awkwardly moving his hands around like he’s not sure what to do with them. ]
There was a lot of reasons. I’m sure just as many of them as excuses as much as they are actual logic, but I think it’s only fair to say why. We … have to get back. Alive. It is not a question of maybe. If we don’t, then our world and probably every other world is going to be destroyed. Maybe even yours too. So we … always had to act. Hoping it would work— No one is coming to save us. I don’t know if there’s another way. Everything I’ve asked, everything you’ve asked, they know isn’t possible.
That said, I … knew Ylfa had the idea she had to do this. And I think I was afraid of making the decision for myself, but I couldn’t sit by and let her - make her do that for us. [ HE DOES CLOSE BOTH EYES FOR A SECOND. ] I really did think I’d beaten her to the punch, neither of us knew the other’s plans. But it made sense. If we had to win, get enough points, then I could be the one to do that. Because you, um, get more points. If you don’t wait for the text message to tell you to do it. If I was caught, I don’t think people would hurt Haru and Ylfa. I’m … expendable. So it made sense.
Shenhe and I. We spoke, before I did anything. I didn’t— She was my friend. I didn’t want to stab her in the back, and I wanted it to be as fair a fight as we could manage. So I didn’t know if I would be coming back. So I think she understood. I hope she did. She wanted the same things, and she was planning to kill for her team as well. She was from the same world as multiple people, so I wouldn’t be destroying her - well, your - world. That’s the last thing I want. So it felt … I don’t know. Even. She was playing the same game as us, understood the stakes.
We want to win, and we want to bring back as many as we can. I don’t know that everyone will be possible. I’ve been asking questions, trying to come up with solutions, and maybe there are some, but I think we’re just. Too late to bring everyone back to life. I promise we are going to bring back anyone who we’ve hurt.
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...We panicked. None of us realized how badly it would go with Simon. We should've known that it would. We didn't really think it through. And then Hot Mess had four people, so we—that wasn't planned. We just panicked.
I know it doesn't make it better. It's not an excuse. But you should know everything that happened. Sorry.
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Anyway--if Nahida reached for his hand, Kaveh would've allowed her to have it; but now he pulls it away to cross his arms tightly and turn away, moving away to pace back and forth as he gets his thoughts and emotions together. This is my way of saying I'm not out of bed yet so just give him a minute]
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it makes sense.
it makes plenty of logical sense, and she knows that.
ylfa, gerard, and haru are not cruel people. she knows that, too.
but it feels like her heart is being crushed.]
I... I can appreciate that you told us.
[she also needs a minute, though.]
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shu stays where he is, holding nahida's hand if she's still clinging to him. he just glances around at the other team as a whole before nodding. ]
Logic's never exactly kind, but you're not wrong. We all want to win.
[ ... ]
What was with the semi-circle though?
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I loved Shenhe, too. She was always so kind to me. She was the only person here who really understood me sometimes, I think.
[she swallows hard.]
But it's like I told you, Nahida. Gerard made a decision. Sometimes the only choices you have are to do something ugly or die. And I think, in that situation, Gerard did the least ugly thing he could have. Both of us only wanted to target people who also believed that surviving here would mean playing by ugly rules, we wanted to respect the people who didn't believe in them. And Shenhe...Shenhe and I...we'd already made plans together.
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It's alright, Ylfa.
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He drags in a shuddering breath and turns back to them.]
The week that Rin was killed, I said things to Buzen that I may not ever get the chance to take back. [He says, finally.] I don't want to make that mistake again. I--[He falters, gripping his arms a little more tightly.]--I understand your logic, and I know you want to get home. And... what happened with Hot Mess wasn't entirely your fault.
[Sometimes your guilt complex is too strong, even in the face of murder confessions.
He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to think past the weight in his chest. Because there's a but--how could there not be a "but," in a situation like this? If not for what happened with Buzen and his team, there's a high chance Kaveh would be falling apart right now. The only reason he isn't is because he has, through so much of his life, learned to be resilient.
But she was our friend. He knew there would be a point when that would no longer be enough. But how can you believe your world is worth more than anyone else's? But no, that's... too personal, too reflective of his own self-view. But you didn't tell us, and couldn't you trust us enough for that? Are we so unreliable? But isn't it logical, why they didn't? And even if they'd wanted to, Buzen had pointed it out: there's no telling what the consequences could've been.]
...Were you ever going to tell us on your own? [He settles on, finally.]
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When we made this alliance, we agreed it wouldn't have to involve covering up murders for each other. I know you thought I was joking, but I wasn't. I already knew I was making a decision Haru and Gerard might hate. I didn't want to force you to deal with the consequences of my decision, too.
But here we are...
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When I acted last week, I told no one. Not even Ylfa or Haru. And I think that was a mistake. The only reason-- Well. The only reason we've caught others is they either couldn't or didn't want to trust their own team. Buzen and Matsui couldn't live with it, and Sweet Theory buckled when pressed. So maybe we should have told you, but we didn't want to force you to accept it or to cover for us.
I think we did our best to tell you now. But you're right. I'm sorry for keeping it from you even this long.
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Ylfa and Gerard didn't work together. Or with me. ...You're the only people we've told at all. But you deserve the truth. And we trust you with it.
You don't have to try and make it sound like it's anyone else's fault. [ it's certainly not kaveh's??? ]
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Have you ended a life before?
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...Yeah. That's why I was going to do it. I didn't want Haru or Gerard to have to deal with that.
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Teach would tell me you owe it to yourself more than anything not to forget you chose to take a life. Keeps your empathy in tact. It's when you start forgetting that you start changing for the worst.
I don't think you need to worry about that, though.
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I... I know. [sometimes you have no choice but to act, even when what you have to do is not something you want to do. nahida understands that at her core - although, she can't quite pick out why that is.
it feels familiar in a way that makes her heart ache with loss, but putting a name to it is...]
...you'd made... plans together?
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and she can respect strategy, even if it makes her heart ache a little to know a fckin twelve year old was put in a position where she felt like she had to do a murder.]
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[ and sort of mumbled: `And Veritas is already going to be angry with me, so I couldn't have another verse about lying to friends added to the song that I'm going to be blasted with when this is all over.` ]
It wasn't a weird summoning ritual! I'm also not a serial killer trying to bring her back from the dead! Or. I guess I am trying to bring her back from the dead. But not with the semi-circle! I, um. Was trying to fake psychs that a lot of other teams had. Drift Aura can make a shield of nearby objects ... ?
[ this wasn't his best attempt. ]
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[ he does just look at gerard for a moment that. and then-- ]
I have no idea how you'd fake drift aura use, actually. It's teleportation and speed. [ ... ] Which is going to be annoying going forward if someone does use it.
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See what I mean?
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[ ... ]
If there is a next time.
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[she takes a deep breath. she's upset, because of course she is. anyone would be. but she can see that gerard, ylfa, and haru are also upset.]
I can... I can understand your intentions. [trying to emulate a psych that lots of people have - it's smart, in that it widens the pool of suspects. strategically, it was a good choice.
and it does help to know gerard talked to shenhe, first.]
I'm glad you told us. Knowing the truth is important to me. I just... [her voice trails off.] ...I'm trying. I promise I am, Gerard.
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I'd rather you all be alive and angry with me than erased permanently.
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[likewise - if shenhe had ended up killing gerard last night... it's not like anyone else could have forgiven her on his behalf.]
I'm sad, and... angry, yes. But I know that isn't going to help us right now. And I don't want how I feel to get in the way of understanding why you did what you did. It's not like you did it to hurt anyone - the opposite, right...?