[oh. buzen blinks a few times at that before shaking his head - ]
Matsu and I teamed up with Rang-san because I knew I could threaten him. If he tried to win by erasure and hurt people, then if I found out I'd break myself. Then we'd never win - but we don't want to hurt people to win.
[so he's always been kinda down to self-destruct]
... but I know that we're not the norm. And I know that you're out of your depth in a lot of ways here.
[he nods a little, he's not mad - if anything, he understands that]
I know. It's a pretty weird set-up that we have. We've had a lot to clash over.
But... no. [he shakes his head, before thinking] I don't know if this'll help, but if you're looking for information, it feels important. But the person who acted this week didn't want to act either.
They received a call earlier in the week saying it was kill or be killed - so they did what they did.
I'm not mad at them for trying to save their own life - that's what we're all here to do. I'm mad at them for who they chose.
[ he doubts buzen is lying after all he's told them already. it's weird to process. he isn't looking for reasons to hate rin's killer, but having to point to sympathize over is odd, too.
what he settles on is, ]
Yeah. I get it. [ he understands what the killers are doing. he'd get it even if there wasn't someone pulling the strings behind the scenes ever tighter. ] We also... probably weren't going to win.
[ he admits it with some defeat, airy and distant, like it's the first time he's allowed himself to say that aloud. rin would've been mad to hear it. he's always been the competitive one. he rolls his tongue over his molars, like he might find the words to phrase this in the cracks between his teeth. ]
Maybe to some people, that makes it okay. Picking someone like Rin because we'd die anyway. [ it'd be more "decent" to kill an adult, but the damage to the team is the same either way. ]
It's not okay. [buzen's answer is quick, as he always is.] Everyone is always going to die anyway. Even if people go back to their lives after this, they will still die.
The whole point is that everyone wants more days, hours, minutes than what they've already been given. We are competing for time, not immortality.
[but he hears what haru's saying - and while he understands it, he also doesn't like it. while his voice is firm in stating these things to be true, it softens with a sense of empathy.]
... I want you to win, Haru-san. I've told Ylfa-san the same thing. It's important to me... that you know that I'll always support you in whatever you need moving forward.
[ haru also doesn't like it. he hates talking like this. he just wants to submerge himself in the ocean and become foam. the only comfort to draw from any of this is hearing anyone say those words: it's not okay. it's not okay that rin is gone.
none of this is remotely okay. he sighs, drained. the stupid nausea everyone contracted kicks in again. ]
Winning means that everyone else loses. Including you.
I'm going to be honest with you - I want everyone to win. I know we've been told a few times it's not possible, but I guess that makes me an irrational guy. I always want the impossible. So I'll keep looking until I can't anymore.
Short of that though... I want Froggystyle to win - at least in the sense that I'd choose your team over mine. I'll do everything I can to support Rang-san, but... I think Matsu and I already know how it's gonna end for us.
But that's okay. Blades are always meant to break before the hand that holds it.
...I don't want to win. If everyone wins, that's different. [ he kind of doesn't believe that'll happen anymore, but of course it's a nice idea. the ideal outcome. ] Seven weeks is enough for me.
[ if anyone deserved a second chance at life, it's rin. haru is just—a person. a normal human who'd have been okay fading away. ]
But I don't want anyone to hurt my team anymore, either. [ so he's conflicted. everything buzen says makes him uncertain, and he looks at him, afraid, determined, and all the little steps inbetween. ] Or people like you, and Matsui-san.
[ even if they're ready to break early, if it comes to that, it's too sad to allow. ]
[and buzen will step forward then - now just bringing his arms around haru to encourage him closer for a hug. it's gentle, loose enough for him to be able to wiggle out if he wants but.
a hug.]
It's okay if you're overwhelmed. It must hurt a lot, and be hard to think about. You don't need to find all your answers right away.
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no subject
...I thought most teams would collaborate.
[ even on something like murder. ]
When Rin died, I realized. That people here were willing to do the unforgiveable.
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Matsu and I teamed up with Rang-san because I knew I could threaten him. If he tried to win by erasure and hurt people, then if I found out I'd break myself. Then we'd never win - but we don't want to hurt people to win.
[so he's always been kinda down to self-destruct]
... but I know that we're not the norm. And I know that you're out of your depth in a lot of ways here.
no subject
...I thought anyone who teamed up with Rang would be willing to kill too.
[ and—this week didn't exactly prove him completely wrong. but like with most things in life, he wasn't completely right, either. ]
That means you didn't know this would happen. Right?
no subject
I know. It's a pretty weird set-up that we have. We've had a lot to clash over.
But... no. [he shakes his head, before thinking] I don't know if this'll help, but if you're looking for information, it feels important. But the person who acted this week didn't want to act either.
They received a call earlier in the week saying it was kill or be killed - so they did what they did.
I'm not mad at them for trying to save their own life - that's what we're all here to do. I'm mad at them for who they chose.
no subject
what he settles on is, ]
Yeah. I get it. [ he understands what the killers are doing. he'd get it even if there wasn't someone pulling the strings behind the scenes ever tighter. ] We also... probably weren't going to win.
[ he admits it with some defeat, airy and distant, like it's the first time he's allowed himself to say that aloud. rin would've been mad to hear it. he's always been the competitive one. he rolls his tongue over his molars, like he might find the words to phrase this in the cracks between his teeth. ]
Maybe to some people, that makes it okay. Picking someone like Rin because we'd die anyway. [ it'd be more "decent" to kill an adult, but the damage to the team is the same either way. ]
no subject
The whole point is that everyone wants more days, hours, minutes than what they've already been given. We are competing for time, not immortality.
[but he hears what haru's saying - and while he understands it, he also doesn't like it. while his voice is firm in stating these things to be true, it softens with a sense of empathy.]
... I want you to win, Haru-san. I've told Ylfa-san the same thing. It's important to me... that you know that I'll always support you in whatever you need moving forward.
no subject
none of this is remotely okay. he sighs, drained. the stupid nausea everyone contracted kicks in again. ]
Winning means that everyone else loses. Including you.
[ he's sure buzen knows that. ]
no subject
[he confirms it, and he nods.]
I'm going to be honest with you - I want everyone to win. I know we've been told a few times it's not possible, but I guess that makes me an irrational guy. I always want the impossible. So I'll keep looking until I can't anymore.
Short of that though... I want Froggystyle to win - at least in the sense that I'd choose your team over mine. I'll do everything I can to support Rang-san, but... I think Matsu and I already know how it's gonna end for us.
But that's okay. Blades are always meant to break before the hand that holds it.
no subject
[ if anyone deserved a second chance at life, it's rin. haru is just—a person. a normal human who'd have been okay fading away. ]
But I don't want anyone to hurt my team anymore, either. [ so he's conflicted. everything buzen says makes him uncertain, and he looks at him, afraid, determined, and all the little steps inbetween. ] Or people like you, and Matsui-san.
[ even if they're ready to break early, if it comes to that, it's too sad to allow. ]
no subject
Is it okay if I touch you, Haru-san?
[he'd asked as much a little bit earlier in trial, but he wants to make sure he has permission again now]
no subject
...It's okay.
no subject
[and buzen will step forward then - now just bringing his arms around haru to encourage him closer for a hug. it's gentle, loose enough for him to be able to wiggle out if he wants but.
a hug.]
It's okay if you're overwhelmed. It must hurt a lot, and be hard to think about. You don't need to find all your answers right away.