...Yeah. Maybe. [ he's willing to believe that, trying not to look too touched by the sentiment. I'm still going to go eat some grass. ] Did you have fun?
I liked being a llama with you. It was nice not to worry about anything but being a llama for a little while. [...] If you want to eat grass, we can both be grass. Since I'm sort of a werellama now, too.
It's... hopeful. But weird. [ ... ] I'm not ready to celebrate until we see how it turns out. [ even if he's happy to have a chance to talk to everyone, that doesn't mean they're back. ]
[ which he historically does not do great with, but the game is at least designed so they'll never have to deal with it alone. ]
We won't have enough on our own. [ there are SO many dead people that they didn't kill. ] But it sounds like Gerard and Rin have been working hard too. It could help.
[ mood. if they have to take on any responsibility from hereon out he will explode. making choices? no thanks.
he frowns, looking up at nothing. ]
I don't know. I asked, and it doesn't save any points. Ruby said not to do it if that's the reason. [ Rin and Gerard think I'm going back for sure. ] What about you?
I know. [If we fix everything, we might go to a world where my family is okay. But it would be too messed up, so I don't really know what I'd do either.] You can come with us if you want. It's pretty dangerous there, but I'll protect you.
[ she's 12 so they'd just assume she's dressing up probably... haru is not a good person to ask this as he is not a good gauge of normalcy or australia ]
...I want my old life back. [ ughhhh ] I guess I could try.
[there is no reason to assume this is possible but she's just assuming anyway. they will definitely think she is just a furry wearing ears in public like a weirdo, gerard is the much bigger problem.
but she's sympathetic to him wanting his old life back.]
I know. It sucks to have to change and become a different person and you didn't even agree to it or want it, but the old things don't quite fit the same. [...] But the person you are is a good person.
[ they will just have to keep their team psych and make all of Australia hallucinate that Gerard looks like a normal guy
he is a little skeptical that he is a good person and also a serial killer but ylfa and gerard are good people who murder so he has to mull on it a bit. ]
Well, he said he felt bad he wasn't here to help. And I told him about how at first when we got here and we were on a team together, I kind of...
[she frowns, not wanting to offend him, not sure if it will.]
Well, you guys cared a lot about things like swimming and college. And I was a little, um, you know we died, right? I guess we didn't, but still. But I don't mean that in a bad way! I thought it was nice that you were like that. But I was also thinking, we'll just die here unless we do this competition for real, and you two won't realize that. So I had this idea that I was just going to do everything myself, go kill all the people who were dangerous and get points for us and protect both of you so you didn't have to change, and then we could just keep having fun all the time together.
And then it instantly didn't work! [part of the reason she melted down about rin so badly had nothing to do with rin at all, it was just - it all fell apart so instantly and there was nothing she could do.] It was so stupid, there was no way it was ever going to work, but it didn't work so fast.
[ he listens, controlling the ebb and flow of his thoughts enough that he doesn't interrupt her. eventually, he breathes out a response, resigned and sad. ]
...It all happened really fast.
[ but if it hadn't, they wouldn't be winning. because he wouldn't have played this game if rin hadn't died. not until it was too late to do anything about it, anyway. another beat of silence, then, ]
I don't mind being protected.
[ he is realizing that fighting the idea doesn't help. not just because he needs it—which he sort of does—but because being able to protect him means something important to her. ]
But you had to let me change. Whether it's for better or worse. [ even if he hates change, too. ] It's not a bad thing that your plan failed.
[yeah. and she would still have probably done something eventually, but it wouldn't have reached the level of importance to her that it did, that she'd go ahead so quickly, that she'd be so obvious about it that gerard felt he had to do something for them...]
Well, that's what Rin said about it, anyway. That it would have been kind of bad to treat you guys like that, so it's better it didn't happen...
[she exhales.]
I think so, too. Because I think - there are people who would see all of the things we've seen who would decide to just...focus on the things that aren't so horrible, and to try to get through by pretending it isn't happening and decide it's someone else's job to fix it. And I couldn't have known back then whether or not you were that type, because I don't think it's something that's fully knowable about somebody before anything happens, but -
That isn't you. You never would have been able to just let me do everything and ignore it, anyway, even if it was possible.
he smiles even if this is yet another week of depression. ]
Yeah. You're right. I wouldn't have—we're a team.
[ sure, he hadn't asked gerard and ylfa to join them so they could go full tilt into winning. it took him a few weeks to even conceptualize a murder game. but once the ball got rolling, there was never any option but to go for it together. ]
...I'm not that brave though. I wanted to ignore it. But watching people die when they'd been trying to help us was worse. [ ... ] I'd have just given up if it weren't for you guys.
[ his solution to most things is to lay down on the ground and die ]
You are, though. Because I would have let you not be brave. [if he'd just given up and laid down and tried to ignore it, she would have let him do that, and tried to do it alone for him.] So the fact that you didn't give up means you decided not to.
...Maybe it was for us, not for everybody else, but it still counts to me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
Sure. I'd eat grass with you.
[ this is very nice and also very stupid. ]
Have you had a lot on your mind?
no subject
no subject
[ he is back to the emotional fetters of humanity ]
...I don't mind listening. If you wanna talk about it.
no subject
[leaning against him a little. imagining a soft and fluffy and wet llama.]
I guess mainly I miss my friends, especially Rin and Gerard. Seeing them again but them not really being back here with us is kind of weird.
no subject
he hums. ]
It's... hopeful. But weird. [ ... ] I'm not ready to celebrate until we see how it turns out. [ even if he's happy to have a chance to talk to everyone, that doesn't mean they're back. ]
no subject
[I'm scared that we won't have enough and we'll have to choose. And they all seem so happy, and we'll still have to -
it's a really horrible thought, she doesn't want to think about it.]
no subject
It's a lot of pressure.
[ which he historically does not do great with, but the game is at least designed so they'll never have to deal with it alone. ]
We won't have enough on our own. [ there are SO many dead people that they didn't kill. ] But it sounds like Gerard and Rin have been working hard too. It could help.
no subject
[so she's just going to hope that they have it figured out because she's tired of making decisions.]
...After this, are you still going to become a Reaper?
no subject
he frowns, looking up at nothing. ]
I don't know. I asked, and it doesn't save any points. Ruby said not to do it if that's the reason. [ Rin and Gerard think I'm going back for sure. ] What about you?
no subject
...But if you do it, I'm going to do it, too, because I don't want you to be a Reaper alone.
no subject
[ I don't know how I'll adjust to life back home. ]
I only considered it because I don't have anything better to do.
no subject
I know. [If we fix everything, we might go to a world where my family is okay. But it would be too messed up, so I don't really know what I'd do either.] You can come with us if you want. It's pretty dangerous there, but I'll protect you.
no subject
I don't know how suited I am for life where you are...?
[ just doesn't really sound like a place for a swim teen ]
I hope we could visit each other if we do go back. ...I think you should.
no subject
We could go to Australia. Will people in your world think I’m weird, though?
[they will probably find a werewolf weird.
anyway.]
I think it’s okay if you can’t adjust to the same life as before. You can adjust to a different life, or try to change things.
no subject
[ she's 12 so they'd just assume she's dressing up probably... haru is not a good person to ask this as he is not a good gauge of normalcy or australia ]
...I want my old life back. [ ughhhh ] I guess I could try.
no subject
[there is no reason to assume this is possible but she's just assuming anyway. they will definitely think she is just a furry wearing ears in public like a weirdo, gerard is the much bigger problem.
but she's sympathetic to him wanting his old life back.]
I know. It sucks to have to change and become a different person and you didn't even agree to it or want it, but the old things don't quite fit the same. [...] But the person you are is a good person.
...I was talking a little bit with Rin.
no subject
he is a little skeptical that he is a good person and also a serial killer but ylfa and gerard are good people who murder so he has to mull on it a bit. ]
About what?
no subject
[she frowns, not wanting to offend him, not sure if it will.]
Well, you guys cared a lot about things like swimming and college. And I was a little, um, you know we died, right? I guess we didn't, but still. But I don't mean that in a bad way! I thought it was nice that you were like that. But I was also thinking, we'll just die here unless we do this competition for real, and you two won't realize that. So I had this idea that I was just going to do everything myself, go kill all the people who were dangerous and get points for us and protect both of you so you didn't have to change, and then we could just keep having fun all the time together.
And then it instantly didn't work! [part of the reason she melted down about rin so badly had nothing to do with rin at all, it was just - it all fell apart so instantly and there was nothing she could do.] It was so stupid, there was no way it was ever going to work, but it didn't work so fast.
no subject
...It all happened really fast.
[ but if it hadn't, they wouldn't be winning. because he wouldn't have played this game if rin hadn't died. not until it was too late to do anything about it, anyway. another beat of silence, then, ]
I don't mind being protected.
[ he is realizing that fighting the idea doesn't help. not just because he needs it—which he sort of does—but because being able to protect him means something important to her. ]
But you had to let me change. Whether it's for better or worse. [ even if he hates change, too. ] It's not a bad thing that your plan failed.
no subject
Well, that's what Rin said about it, anyway. That it would have been kind of bad to treat you guys like that, so it's better it didn't happen...
[she exhales.]
I think so, too. Because I think - there are people who would see all of the things we've seen who would decide to just...focus on the things that aren't so horrible, and to try to get through by pretending it isn't happening and decide it's someone else's job to fix it. And I couldn't have known back then whether or not you were that type, because I don't think it's something that's fully knowable about somebody before anything happens, but -
That isn't you. You never would have been able to just let me do everything and ignore it, anyway, even if it was possible.
no subject
he smiles even if this is yet another week of depression. ]
Yeah. You're right. I wouldn't have—we're a team.
[ sure, he hadn't asked gerard and ylfa to join them so they could go full tilt into winning. it took him a few weeks to even conceptualize a murder game. but once the ball got rolling, there was never any option but to go for it together. ]
...I'm not that brave though. I wanted to ignore it. But watching people die when they'd been trying to help us was worse. [ ... ] I'd have just given up if it weren't for you guys.
[ his solution to most things is to lay down on the ground and die ]
no subject
...Maybe it was for us, not for everybody else, but it still counts to me.