[ it's true that the dead have looked pretty cheerful about their odds, but he's had no idea whether that was to spare his and ylfa's feelings. or maybe even wilful ignorance of everyone's chances at being revived.
having it spelled out does relieve some of his anxiety, though that's not what he responds to. ]
Only because we're not sure whether it's true that at least one of us has to go back so our world doesn't get erased. If it could stay standing without me, I'd never let him go. And Matsu... he wouldn't want to go back without me, so I'd have to be the one to keep going.
[a sheepish smile, something a little tinged with heartache. i haven't mentioned it in 99% of my pcs but it seems relevant enough to say that for a second the image of buzen's finger gets a little less blurry and he's wearing a ring on his finger now. wow!]
.... but we feel the same as when we started. We don't deserve to live longer than humans who get less years than we did.
So we wouldn't want both of us to be revived if it meant other people couldn't.
but buzen's expression softens at that - he's touched, really, at the intensity of what haru feels.]
... don't think too hard on it, okay? It's not going to happen, so I don't want you to get too bogged down by it. We already talked about it weeks ago, and Matsu was in a funk I couldn't get him out of for days.
But because of all of you - especially you and Ylfa-san and Ge-san, I'm not worried anymore.
he sighs out loudly, but doesn't have the desire or will to fight buzen on this. because he wants this to turn out okay too, even if it's felt so impossible for weeks. even if the pressure has ground them down to nibs. ]
...Ylfa and I have braced for the worst. But I know you've all been working hard too.
So I'll believe you. Don't put me in a position where I have to leave you or Matsui-san alone. Because I won't.
[ they just need to see this through together. nearly there. ]
I know. And during the hardest times in a mission, it's easiest to just prepare for the worst of it to come, because at least that way it doesn't take you by surprise. I'm still not sure how this thing with Ruby-san is going to turn out.
[he'll be realistic about it, even though a thought that comes through is i hope one of us kills her if it comes to that, your hands are bloody enough
but at the same time....]
But for other things... yeah. You can believe me. I wouldn't be getting your hopes up if I thought it'd be a cruel thing to do.
I want you to know that your hard work and every difficult moment... it hasn't been for nothing.
[ he still has to take a second to process sentiments he receives like this, like, i would mercy kill you because i care, i would kill to protect you, i'll murder this person so you don't have to, because it's simply not normal. but he's learned that these absolutely insane things are also gifts, warm in their own way. like... a cat bringing you a fresh, cooling rat?
the point is, it's A Lot, but he still appreciates it. he tries to relax some, nodding. ]
...Yeah. I want that to be true. The worst thing that could happen—is that this meant nothing.
[ all of their suffering, the things they've done. ruby can't reduce that to nothing. ]
Everyone's given up too much for that. Us. All of you. [ living and dead. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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having it spelled out does relieve some of his anxiety, though that's not what he responds to. ]
You'd leave him?
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[a sheepish smile, something a little tinged with heartache. i haven't mentioned it in 99% of my pcs but it seems relevant enough to say that for a second the image of buzen's finger gets a little less blurry and he's wearing a ring on his finger now. wow!]
.... but we feel the same as when we started. We don't deserve to live longer than humans who get less years than we did.
So we wouldn't want both of us to be revived if it meant other people couldn't.
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this conversation feels insanely bad to him. as little of it as buzen reveals, that heartache speaks so loudly to him. ]
Too bad it's our choice, not yours.
[ he says this with a sort of indignant teen curtness, heatless in its anger, because he'd probably respect their logic in the end. ]
...I already saw Matsui-san after you'd been separated. It can't happen again.
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but buzen's expression softens at that - he's touched, really, at the intensity of what haru feels.]
... don't think too hard on it, okay? It's not going to happen, so I don't want you to get too bogged down by it. We already talked about it weeks ago, and Matsu was in a funk I couldn't get him out of for days.
But because of all of you - especially you and Ylfa-san and Ge-san, I'm not worried anymore.
It's going to be okay, Haru-san.
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he sighs out loudly, but doesn't have the desire or will to fight buzen on this. because he wants this to turn out okay too, even if it's felt so impossible for weeks. even if the pressure has ground them down to nibs. ]
...Ylfa and I have braced for the worst. But I know you've all been working hard too.
So I'll believe you. Don't put me in a position where I have to leave you or Matsui-san alone. Because I won't.
[ they just need to see this through together. nearly there. ]
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[he'll be realistic about it, even though a thought that comes through is i hope one of us kills her if it comes to that, your hands are bloody enough
but at the same time....]
But for other things... yeah. You can believe me. I wouldn't be getting your hopes up if I thought it'd be a cruel thing to do.
I want you to know that your hard work and every difficult moment... it hasn't been for nothing.
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the point is, it's A Lot, but he still appreciates it. he tries to relax some, nodding. ]
...Yeah. I want that to be true. The worst thing that could happen—is that this meant nothing.
[ all of their suffering, the things they've done. ruby can't reduce that to nothing. ]
Everyone's given up too much for that. Us. All of you. [ living and dead. ]